|Today's Dosage of Bill's Pills (Updated each weekday)
Tuesday, Jan 5
After confirming rumors that actress Tanya Roberts—a “Bond Girl” in one
of the 007 films—had died, the next day publicist Mike Pingel announced
that she was still alive. *** In related news, MGM Studios wishes to announce
that the role of “Bond Girl” has just been filled for the upcoming remake of “You
Only Live Twice.”
Monday, Jan 4
Happy New Year!
In Britain, a transplant surgeon used an argon beam instrument to brand
his initials on a liver before implanting it in a patient. *** Hospital
administrators were appalled, and concerned about similar actions in the future,
especially when they learned that the surgeon had upgraded the instrument’s
software with spellcheck.
Thursday, Dec 17
I just came across an online review of a rare car manufactured by Earl
Muntz’s short-lived car company in the early 50’s. *** But I’ll admit that I
was worried when I first saw the title of the article, “1953 Muntz” -- I thought it
was a new projection of how much longer the pandemic would last.
Wednesday, Dec 16
While filming his latest “Mission Impossible” action movie in London, Tom
Cruise berated and threatened to fire cast members who had violated
Covid-19 precautions. *** Later, the star of “Mission Impossible 7” admitted
that he was upset and jealous because Covid had already released its 19th
Tuesday, Dec 15
A Russian investigative news organization is claiming that recent photos
and videos showing Vladimir Putin at work weren’t taken in Moscow, but in
a duplicate office he built at his vacation spot on the shore of the Black
Sea. *** They based their conclusion on the sound of crashing waves in the
background, the bottle of sunscreen on the shelf, and the little mai tai umbrella in
his coffee mug.
Monday, Dec 14
Russia’s “Doomsday Plane,” the one that Putin and other top officials
would use as a command center in a nuclear war, was reportedly broken
into and several pieces of hi-tech electronic equipment were stolen. ***
Also, the plane’s windows were smashed, the fuselage was covered with graffiti,
the wheels were missing and the plane was sitting on cinderblocks.
Thursday, Dec 10
Boston police arrested a man who had broken into Tom Brady’s
unoccupied mansion and fell asleep on a couch in the basement,
apparently in Brady’s hi-tech video screening room. *** Officers radioed in
that the intruder had been apprehended and they’d all be arriving at the station in
just a few minutes…unless the televised football game goes into overtime.
(Officers are now looking for a volunteer to break in on Super Bowl
Sunday…preferably before kick-off.)
Wednesday, Dec 9
Health officials in the White House are concerned about Covid
transmission in rooms that are so crowded that people cannot practice
social distancing. *** Especially in the Oval Office—where people are
apparently even bumping into each other because they’re always saying, “I beg
Tuesday, Dec 8
After being attacked by a shark in Australia’s D’Estrees Bay and bleeding
from multiple lacerations on his back and legs, a 29 year old man fended
off the shark, swam to shore, and then walked 300 yards to get medical
attention. *** Dude, that Australian Triathlon is tough!
Monday, Dec 7
After George Clooney revealed that he’s been trimming his own hair for 22
years using the Flowbee device, the manufacturer was immediately flooded
with thousands of orders. *** All the buyers just had one question: “Can I use
my new Flowbee right away, or do I need to wait for all the cuts on the back of
my neck to heal?”
Friday, Dec 4
President-elect Biden reportedly twisted an ankle last weekend. *** Gee,
most politicians just twist arms.
Thursday, Dec 3
In North Bend, Washington, a state patrolman pulled over car because its
headlights were too dim and found that the driver had replaced his
damaged headlights with flashlights duct-taped to the front of his car. ***
(Select your preferred punchline, or write your own):
1. “Oh look, dear, he’s bringing us a spare headlight.”
2. “Or, maybe it’s his...Good evening, officer. Do you need some duct tape?”
3. When asked why he taped flashlights to his bumper, the driver said it was
because the candles kept blowing out.
4. According to his driver’s license, the driver’s name was “Ray O. Vac”
5. So, apparently the Dollar Store has begun selling automotive parts.
6. One good thing about those Dollar Store headlights: “One size fits all.”
7. Patrolman speaking into mic: “Uh, Dispatch, a correction on my last report
about “dim headlights”; cross out “headlights” and write “driver.”
8. Despite the officer’s concerns, the driver’s wife said she didn’t mind
crawling out onto hood to switch from high beam low beam (especially since her
husband was kind enough to replace the hood ornament with a grab bar).
9. She also said she was glad to go out and make the turn signals blink,
although she had to remember to then hang on tight.
10. And that’s what happens when retirees have seen all the Matlock re-runs
and start watching MacGyver.
Wednesday, Dec 2
In shopping online for the best deals on Cyber Monday, it was surprising to
see that large, flat screen TVs offered by the leading electronics stores
were also available through Walmart. *** Frankly, I liked Walmart’s deal
better—not only was it $2 cheaper, but it also included a large bag of Cheetos, a
six-pack of cold beer and a free pair of flip flops.
Tuesday, Dec 1
In England, a colony of beavers recently built the first dam in Exmoor in
400 years. *** Apparently construction didn’t take long once the beavers got
started, but it took them four centuries to get the building permit.
Monday, Nov 30
Former Honduran president Manuel Zelaya was detained at a Honduras
airport after he was found to be carrying a bag with $18,000 in cash. ***
Later, during interrogation, he confessed that he needs the money to support his
addiction, and the price of those airport Cinnabon rolls just keeps going up.
Wednesday, Nov 25
As Covid concerns continue through the holiday season, people are
becoming more creative in finding ways to reduce the spread of the
virus. *** For example, Butterball turkeys now come with a 3-foot length of
string attached to each end of the wishbone.
Tuesday, Nov 24
Organized crime is apparently alive and well in Philadelphia, where federal
racketeering, loansharking and illegal gambling charges were recently filed
against 15 members of La Costa Nostra, including 60 year old Joseph
“Joey Electric” Servidio and 73 year old Anthony “Tony Meatballs” Gifoli.
*** However, experts say mob life is losing much of its appeal for young criminals
who see increasing evidence that all the good nicknames have already been
Monday, Nov 23
Apparently moose like to lick road salt off cars, and with winter
approaching Canadian authorities are concerned about the potential
consequences. *** For example, if you have to drag around a moose that got
its tongue frozen to your rear bumper, your gas mileage is gonna be terrible.
Friday, Nov 20
In China, seniors are protesting the government’s plans to maintain a large
workforce and delay pension expenses by raising the retirement age, which
is currently set at 60 years old. *** In a hard-fought compromise, officials
have agreed that--in lieu of formal retirement--workers over age 60 will be
permitted to start the day whenever they feel like it, take long afternoon naps,
scratch wherever it itches, and complain about nearly everything.
Thursday, Nov 19
Carl Lentz, the pastor of Hillsong mega-church, was fired by the church’s
founder, Brian Houston, because of "moral failures." Pastor Lentz had
been a spiritual adviser to many celebrities, including pop star Justin
Bieber *** Or, as Pastor Houston calls him, “Exhibit A.”
Wednesday, Nov 18
Rudy Giuliani is reportedly demanding $20,000 per day to continue
handling President Trump’s legal work and representing the president in
court. *** Democrats are scrambling to come up with the money.
Tuesday, Nov 17
In Haines City, Florida, James Blight, 26, was arrested for stealing a
bulldozer, knocking down a fence, and destroying political campaign signs
on residential lawns. *** Thousands of Florida residents immediately offered
to post bail for Mr. Blight and asked if he could provide the same service for their
neighbor’s plastic pink flamingos.
Monday, Nov 16
At the USA Mullet Championships, a third grader from Celeste, Texas, took
first place in the kids category, where the short-in-front and long-in-back
styles included the “curly mullet,” the “freedom flapper” and the
“Tennessee top hat.” *** However, the first-time entrants in the adult category
all had the same style: ”I-trimmed-the-front-by-myself-but-didn’t-trust-my-wife-
Friday, Nov 13
McDonald’s has announced plans to provide quicker drive-thru service.
*** Corporate officials didn't realize the lines were moving too slowly until local
managers started renting porta-johns.
Thursday, Nov 12
While some people object to disclosing their phone number for contact
tracing, old timers point out that decades ago everyone’s phone number
was in the white pages. *** And telemarketers could be identified by the black
ring around the tip of their index finger.
Tuesday, Nov 10
The U.S. Postal Service recently announced a new zip code for Atlanta.
*** Oh, it’s moving?
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|Bill has been the Master of Ceremonies and
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(Click "Performing" to see video clips.)