|Today's Dosage of Bill's Pills (Updated each weekday)
Tuesday, Dec 11
In Alloa, Scotland, a mother sent her young son to school with an inflatable sheep for a manger scene,
not realizing it was a blow-up sex toy. *** The first clue was when the kid squeezed it and it said,
Monday, Dec 10
Ramsey Bearse, a former Miss Kentucky, has been charged with a sending a nude photo of herself to
a high school student. *** Actually, it was the standard Miss Kentucky pose, which included the tiara, the
pageant sash and a strategically-placed bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken.
Friday, Dec 7
Rania Youssef, an Egyptian actress, has been charged with public indecency for wearing a revealing
dress and thereby “inciting debauchery and temptation.” *** The young woman is in a heap of trouble,
but sales of the dress have skyrocketed.
Thursday, Dec 6
An 85 year old man at Florida’s Cypress Lakes Retirement Community was bitten on the foot by an
alligator. *** How demoralizing—the guy’s already got one foot in the grave, and then an alligator tries to bite
off the other one.
Wednesday, Dec 5
In London, workers found a 500 year old skeleton of a man near the River Thames, and he was still
wearing his thigh-high leather boots. *** You know, it must be discouraging when you hang on to your
favorite pair of boots for 500 years and they still haven’t come back into style.
Tuesday, Dec 4
Richard Branson says his Virgin Galactic space travel company will be taking visitors to space by
Christmas. *** In fact, they’re in final stages of training all the reindeer.
Monday, Dec 3
A blind man in New York is suing Playboy’s website because it’s not compatible with his screen-
reading app. *** Previously, he sued the magazine version because he kept cutting his finger on the centerfold
Friday, Nov 30
According to a study issued by 24/7 Wall St., the state with the lowest literacy rate is Nevada. ***
Fortunately, most people there won’t be able to read the report.
Thursday, Nov 29
In a new study in the journal “Learning & Behavior,” researchers concluded that dogs have certain
social skills but they’re not exceptionally smart. *** Well, obviously those idiots never watched an episode
Wednesday, Nov 28
A group of Satanists has sued Netflix for using an image of Baphomet, a deity that they worship, in a
show without their permission. *** However, the cult withdrew their suit after Netflix agreed to drop the
orange hair, the red cap and the golf cart.
Tuesday, Nov 27
In Paris, unruly crowds have been exhibiting rowdy behavior, disrespecting French landmarks and
disrupting the tranquility of the Champs-Elysees, with no regard for the damage to their country’s
reputation. *** And that’s just the usual American tourists.
Monday, Nov 26
Egyptian archaeologists recently discovered dozens of ancient cat mummies wrapped in fabric, much
like their human counterparts. *** After closer examination, however, they saw that the cats just got
themselves hopelessly tangled up in huge balls of yarn.
Friday, Nov 23
The Statue of Liberty’s original copper and gold torch, which was replaced in 1984, has just been
placed in a museum on Liberty Island. *** There was an alternate proposal from the White House, but with
the caravan so close there just wasn’t time to melt it down and make barbed wire.
Thursday, Nov 22
A Canadian curling team was kicked out of the Red Deer Curling Tournament because of
“unacceptable behavior,” which included getting drunk, breaking brooms and swearing. *** Sounds
like me when I have to do the housework.
HAVE A HAPPY THANKSGIVING!
Wednesday, Nov 21
A recent article on the Allure website tells how to get rid of pimples on your butt. *** Actually, I thought
we took care of them with the mid-term elections.
Tuesday, Nov 20
In criticizing China’s trade agreement proposal, President Trump said, “We can’t have trade that’s
meant for stupid people.” *** Hey, I didn’t even know we were trading stupid people; do we just exchange
ours for theirs?
Monday, Nov 19
Irv Gordon has just died at the age of 77, after attaining fame for driving his 1966 Volvo over 3.2
million miles, *** According to the Guinness Book of World Records, the only vehicle with more miles on it is
Donald Trump’s golf cart.
Friday, Nov 16
A New Jersey couple and a homeless vet have been charged with setting up scam involving a
GoFundMe account based on sympathy for the veteran. *** It was a very elaborate scheme: First, they
started a war…
Thursday, Nov 15
Yesterday the National Defense Strategy Commission issued a report which concluded that military
weaknesses in several areas could cause the U.S. to lose a war against China or Russia. *** That
shocking assessment immediately generated a flurry of activity at the Pentagon, with thousands of personnel
calling their bookies to change their bets.
Wednesday, Nov 14
Architectural Digest has published a list of beautiful buildings in Canada that are impressive but don’t
seem to attract many tourists. *** Unfortunately, most of them are in areas without any marijuana shops.
Tuesday, Nov 13
According to the NASA website, some Christmas lights are visible from space. *** In fact, the agency
admitted that the space shuttle’s primary navigation aid was Clark Griswold’s house.
Monday, Nov 12
American Airlines is now offering early-boarding to passengers with nut allergies so they can wipe
down their own seating areas. *** Previously, early-boarding for wipe down was only offered to a Mr. Adrian
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