High Impact Humor

Joke Archives
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Tuesday, Jan 16

The Centers for Disease Control has cancelled a planned meeting on “nuclear attack
preparedness” and replaced it with a session on “how to reduce the spread of seasonal
flu.”
 ***  On a happy note, the CDC says that most of those flu germs will never survive the first
blast.

According to a recently published study, President Trump typically speaks at the level of
a fourth grader. The analysis is based on the number of unique words used, the average
number of syllables per word…
*** … and the number of times the speaker asks if it’s time for
recess.

On this date in history:  Jan 16, 1936 – The first photo finish camera for horse races is
installed at Hialeah.  
 ***   It was the only way to get the jockeys to stop taking selfies.

On this date in history:  Jan 16, 1965 – The Searchers hit #3 on the charts with "Love
Potion Number 9."
 *** But government officials said they don’t care how effective it is, it’s still not
covered by Obamacare.

On this date in history:  Jan 16, 1973 – NBC airs the 440th and final episode of
"Bonanza."  
 ***   Amazingly, after all that time Little Joe was still called “Little.”  (Possibly a thyroid
condition)


Monday, Jan 15

A new BBC documentary reveals that during World War II, amid fears of an invasion,
England’s priceless crown jewels were hidden in a biscuit tin.
  ***  Apparently they were
betting that the Germans wouldn’t be hungry.

The Army’s Golden Knights parachute team is upset that their name is also being used by
the Las Vegas Golden Knights hockey team.
  ***   The Army said it just doesn’t like being
associated with something so violent.

On this date in history:  Jan 15, 1346 – Emperor Louis IV of Bavaria gives Holland to his
wife.
  ***   I believe that was the original “Dutch treat.”

On this date in history:  Jan 15, 1943 – World's largest office building, the Pentagon, is
completed.
 ***  They had to give it five sides so every general could have a corner office.

On this date in history:  Jan 15, 1994 – Queen Elizabeth falls off her horse and breaks her
left wrist.
  ***  Not to mention all the damage to her crown.


Friday, Jan 12

First Lady Melania Trump has just announced three new additions to her White House
staff, including a communications coordinator.
 ***  Hey, what marriage couldn’t use one of
those?

The small fire that broke out at the Trump Tower on Monday reportedly injured two
people who were there.
 ***  The individuals weren’t identified, but when offered medical care
they both said, “neyt.”

On this date in history:  Jan 12, 1820 – The Royal Astronomical Society is founded in
England.
 ***   It was for people who love to use superlatives.

On this date in history:  Jan 12, 1915 – The U.S. House of Representatives rejects a
proposal to give women the right to vote.
  ***   Washington D.C. hotels then fill up as 400
men are locked out of their homes.

On this date in history:  Jan 12, 1950 – The U.S.S.R. re-introduces the death penalty for
treason, espionage and sabotage…
  ***  …or damaging a vodka distillery.  


Thursday, Jan 11

Yesterday there was a two hour power outage and blackout at the big Consumers
Electronics Show in Las Vegas.
 ***  All the Millennials there hadn’t seen anything like that since
their parents shut off power to the basement.

Earlier this week, President Trump upgraded Martin Luther King’s birthplace from an
historic site to a national park.  
 ***  He said he would have done the same thing for Barack
Obama’s birthplace if it wasn’t all the way over in Kenya.

On this date in history:  Jan 11, 1803 – Monroe and Livingston sail for Paris to buy New
Orleans from the French, but end up buying all of Louisiana.  
 ***   Historical records aren’t
clear on whether the result was due to superb negotiating skills or just an extremely good luck in
five card stud.  

On this date in history:  Jan 11, 1892 – Artist Paul Gauguin marries a 13-year-old Tahitian
girl.
  ***   Well, maybe he needed help with his computer.

On this date in history:  Jan 11, 1943 – The U.S. and Britain relinquish extraterritorial
rights in China.
  ***   The business potential was attractive, but maintaining a presence would
have required a long-term commitment, substantial investment and learning to use chopsticks.


Wednesday, Jan 10

More flight attendants are being recruited by JANET airlines, the government-owned
operation for servicing secret locations like Area 51. In addition to the typical
requirements, candidates must also have top secret clearance…   ***
  and be able to deal
with inappropriate behavior from drunk aliens.

President Trump’s lawyers are expected to meet with special investigator Robert
Mueller to set the terms of the president’s interview.  
 ***  The president’s lawyers will insist
that all questions be true-false, or at least multiple choice.

On this date in history:  Jan 10, 1949 – RCA introduces the 45 RPM record.   ***  I believe
they reduced the speed from 78 RPM so you could read the label while it was spinning.

On this date in history:  Jan 10, 1980 – NBC broadcasts the last episode of the "Rockford
Files," with James Garner.   ***  
 Zoning officials finally cracked down on unauthorized house
trailers down on the beach.   

On this date in history:  Jan 10, 1984 – The U.S. re-establishes full diplomatic relations
with Vatican after almost 117 years.  ***
  But first the pope had to promise that the Church had
dropped that whole “Fish on Friday” thing.


Tuesday, Jan 9

Yesterday a small fire broke out on the roof of Trump Tower.  ***   That’s a shame. Trump
staffers had been specifically instructed to extinguish all cigarettes before jumping.

“Jeopardy” host Alex Trebek is taking some medical leave after undergoing brain
surgery.
***   After the operation Mr. Trebek joked, “I’ll take ‘Bedpans’ for $200,” but the staff
informed him that with hospital pricing all bedpans are a minimum of $300.

On this date in history:  Jan 9, 1879 – Cheyenne prisoners revolt at Fort Robinson, led by
an Indian known as “Dull Knife.”  
***   Actually, a lot of leaders aren’t the sharpest knife in the
drawer, but usually they keep it secret.

On this date in history:  Jan 9, 1933 – Amsterdam confectionery employees go on strike to
protest wage reductions.  
 ***  Management had offered a compromise, but the workers
demanded that they sweeten the deal.

On this date in history:  Jan 9, 1951 – “Life after Tomorrow,” the first film to receive an
"X" rating, premieres.
 ***  Actually, the movie was X-rated only because the future was.


Monday, Jan 8

Dunkin’ Donuts has announced it will no longer use artificial food coloring.  ***  From now
on, the colorful donut icing will be made from melted crayons.   

McDonald’s has announced it may re-introduce the “Archburger,” an upscale hamburger
made from fresh beef.  ***
 In fact, it’s so exclusive McDonald’s will provide valet service for the
drive-thru.

On this date in history:  Jan 8, 1790 – President George Washington delivers the first
State of the Union Address.
  ***  At that time he was widely regarded as “Father of Our Country”
and “Best President So Far.”

On this date in history:  Jan 8, 1973 – Secret peace talks between the U.S. and North
Vietnam resumed near Paris.
 ***  The talks were held in a hidden location and all the
participants had to whisper.

On this date in history:  Jan 8, 1993 – The Elvis Presley commemorative postage stamp
goes on sale.
 ***  It was the first stamp ever printed on black velvet.


Friday, Jan 5

Earlier this week a fire broke out at Bill and Hillary Clinton’s compound in Chappaqua,
New York.
  ***  Alas, there was no fury.

According to a study published in the journal “Psychological Bulletin,” many Millennials
are sinking into depression because of an irrational pursuit of perfection.
 ***   Then they
get even more depressed if they can’t achieve a perfect depression.

On this date in history:  Jan 5, 1463 – French poet François Villon is banished from
Paris.
  ***   The French just had no tolerance for poems about cats with hats, colored eggs or
counting fish.  

On this date in history:  Jan 5, 1531 – Pope Clemens VII forbids English king Henry VIII to
re-marry.
 ***   So, when you join Match.com, make sure you pay a little extra and get the optional
Vatican Approval app.  

On this date in history:  Jan 5, 1956 – Elvis Presley records "Heartbreak Hotel."   ***   
Thanks to its success, he went on to record promotional songs for Red Roof Inn, Holiday Inn and
Motel 6.  


Thursday, Jan 4

On New Year’s Eve, 600 fireworks accidentally exploded in the trunk of a man’s car in
Houston.
 ***  Hundreds of drunken revelers were impressed: “Hey dude, awesome turn signal!”

During a recent trip to London, Selena Gomez reportedly changed outfits six times in
one day.
  ***  Or maybe that was boyfriends.

On this date in history:  Jan 4, 1725 – Benjamin Franklin arrives in London.   ***    
Unfortunately, his suitcases arrived in Paris.

On this date in history:  Jan 4, 1925 – French psychologist Emil Coué brings his self-
esteem therapy to U.S. with the philosophy "Every day, in every way, I am getting better
and better."
  ***    “Because I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone, people like me.”

On this date in history:  Jan 4, 1958 – Sir Edmund Hillary reaches the South Pole.   ***   He
just kept going south until there wasn’t any south left.


Wednesday, Jan 3

The “Dollar General Bowl” was a blowout, with Appalachian State trouncing Toledo 34 to
0.
 ***  Most fans didn’t care about the lopsided score, but they were really disappointed to find out
they couldn’t buy beer for a buck.

A recent survey on the number of past sexual partners showed that people in Utah had
the fewest (2.6) and people in Louisiana had the most (15.7).
 ***  In other words, you’re
probably not going to see the Mormon Tabernacle Choir at Mardi Gras.  

On this date in history:  Jan 3, 1496 – Leonardo da Vinci tests a flying machine, but it was
unsuccessful.
 ***  Upon reflection, he realized he probably shouldn’t have built it out of bronze
and granite.

On this date in history:  Jan 3, 1899 – The word “automobile” is used for the first time in a
New York Times editorial.   ***
  It said, “The automobile may be interesting, but for convenience
you just can’t beat a horse-and-buggy Uber.”

On this date in history:  Jan 3, 1924 – After several years of searching, British
Egyptologist Howard Carter finally finds the tomb of King Tutankhamun, commonly known
as King Tut.  ***
 Mr. Carter immediately broke into an impromptu song-and-dance routine that was
later immortalized by Steve Martin.


Tuesday, Jan 2

Florida police arrested celebrity Luann de Lesseps for battery of an officer and
disorderly intoxication.  Ms. de Lesseps starred in “Real Housewives of New York" and
is also noted for her music video, “Money Can't Buy You Class."  
 ***  In fact, during her
arrest she showed that the song can be especially touching when sung while handcuffed and
throwing up in the back seat of a police car.

According to Google, the most frequently asked question about sex is, “Where is the G-
spot?”
 ***  The second most popular question is, “Wait a minute--are you sure the “G” really
stands for “Google”?

On this date in history:  Jan 2, 1921 – A Pittsburgh radio station airs the first U.S.
broadcast of a religious service.  
 ***  Listeners said it was much more comfortable than falling
asleep in a pew.

On this date in history:  Jan 2, 1960 – Senator John F. Kennedy announces his candidacy
for president at a press conference in Washington D.C.
  ***  These days, of course, he
would have just used Twittah.  

On this date in history:  Jan 2, 1968 – Christiaan Barnard performs his second heart
transplant.
 ***  He assured the patient, “Sure, of course I’ve done this before.”


Friday, Dec 22

The Centers for Disease Control is denying reports that the administration prohibited the
agency from using seven specific words.
 ***  Apparently it was a misunderstanding--the White
House simply banned all words with more than seven letters.

According to the website 24/7 Wall St., New Jersey has the highest percentage of 18-34
year olds who live with their parents (47%).
 ***  The study also showed that New Jersey has
the highest percentage of elderly couples who are in the market for a house without a basement.

On this date in history:  Dec 22, 1964 – Comedian Lenny Bruce is convicted of obscenity.
***   At his trial, several night club owners testified that he actually said, “Who cares about profits?”

On this date in history:  Dec 22, 1984 – Madonna's "Like a Virgin" single goes #1 for 6
weeks.
 ***  Of course, “Like a Virgin” married didn’t go anywhere.

On this date in history:  Dec 22, 1997 – Merck’s baldness pill for men is approved by the
FDA.  
***  That’s nice, but who wants to be bald?


Thursday, Dec 21

According to Page Six, NBC is removing all traces of Matt Lauer, including nameplates,
photos, and that special button under his desk that locked the office door.
  ***  NBC isn’t
saying if other TV personalities are suspected of sexual harassment, but the day after Mr. Lauer
was ousted they found two dozen buttons in the trash.

Comedic actor Seth Rogen will play Walter Cronkite in the new movie “Newsflash.”    ***    
With Mr. Rogen in the lead role, we can only assume the movie centers on Mr. Cronkite’s brief and
somewhat embarrassing attempt at a career in stand-up.  

On this date in history:  Dec 21, 1620 – 103 Mayflower pilgrims land at Plymouth Rock.  ***  
Fortunately for history, they apparently landed at a place where all the rocks had names.

On this date in history:  Dec 21, 1937 – The first full-length animated feature film, "Snow
White and the Seven Dwarfs," premieres at the Carthay Circle Theatre.  
 ***   I believe the
subtitle was “#MeToo.”

On this date in history:  Dec 21, 1946 "If the Shoe Fits" closes at Century Theater NYC
after only 20 performances
 ***  I guess it didn’t fit


Wednesday, Dec 20

NBC is reportedly planning to bring back its popular sitcom, “The Office.”  ***  Not
surprisingly, the network had failed to replicate the character dynamics with its modernized sequel,
“Working from Home.”

As Christmas season approaches, North Korea’s Kim Jong Un has prohibited any
gatherings involving alcohol and singing.  ***
 Now, is that really necessary? Couldn’t he do
like everyone else and just refuse to visit the in-laws?

On this date in history:  Dec 20, 1803 – The French flag is lowered in New Orleans to mark
the formal transfer of Louisiana Purchase to the U.S. for $27 million.
  ***   After centuries of
lost wars, the French finally learn that a good alternative to surrendering contested territory is to
just sell it.  

On this date in history:  Dec 20, 1820 – Missouri imposes a $1 bachelor tax on unmarried
men between 21 and 50.  ***
 That must have been back when Missouri was known as the “Marry
Me” state.

On this date in history:  Dec 20, 1957 –  Elvis Presley receives a draft notice to join the U.
S. Army.
 ***  Suddenly, Heartbreak Hotel didn’t seem so bad.


Tuesday, Dec 19

In order to boost business, Scandinavian Airlines has just announced free flights for all
kids under 11.
***  They expect to cover the costs through increased liquor sales to all the adults.

Sears just announced it will begin selling batteries and tires through Amazon.  ***  Amazon
is now designing special packaging for the technician who will be shipped out to install them.

On this date in history:  Dec 19, 1686 – Per the story by Daniel Defoe, Robinson Crusoe
leaves his island on this date, 28 years after the shipwreck.
 ***   So, did the Professor, Mary
Ann and all the others leave, too?

On this date in history:  Dec 19, 1732 –  Benjamin Franklin, under the name Richard
Saunders, begins publication of "Poor Richard's Almanack."
 ***  Ben reportedly used the
phony “Poor Richard” story to get sympathy and cover the publishing costs through a GoFundMe
campaign.

On this date in history:  Dec 19, 1776 – Thomas Paine published his first "American Crisis"
essay, in which he wrote, "These are the times that try men's souls."  
 ***  Today, these are
the times that try to find men’s souls.


Monday, Dec 18

After 28 years of marriage, the stars of “Long Island Medium,” Theresa and Larry Caputo,
have decided to legally separate.
 ***  Larry has hired a top divorce lawyer, while Theresa has
been getting advice from Clarence Darrow.

President Trump’s lawyers are furious that Robert Mueller’s investigation team obtained
tens of thousands of transition-period e-mails without going through proper channels.  
 
***   i.e., Wikileaks.

On this date in history:  Dec 18, 1787 – New Jersey becomes the 3rd state to ratify the
Constitution.
 ***  But only after the other states promised to call them the “Garden State” without
laughing.

On this date in history:  Dec 18, 1813 – In the War of 1812, the British take Fort Niagara.   
***   They captured 5 officers, 100 enlisted men and 25 honeymoon couples.

On this date in history:  Dec 18, 1966 – Dr. Seuss' "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" airs
for the first time on CBS.
 ***  Now, in the new version to be aired on Fox News, the Grinch is a
Muslim immigrant.


Friday, Dec 15

An article published in the scientific journal “Joule” says that Greek yogurt could be
used to power jet planes.
 ***   So, you’ll know we might be gearing up for war if you see a lot of
Air Force uniforms in the dairy aisle.

Mike Hughes, a limousine driver and amateur rocket hobbyist, has built a manned rocket
that he plans to fly to 1,800 feet to take a picture proving that the earth is flat.
 ***  Rocket
experts say that although the Earth is not flat, there’s a good chance that Mr. Hughes will be.

On this date in history:  Dec 15, 1891 – James Naismith invents basketball in Canada.  ***  
Of course, that was the Canadian version, which was played with a ball, a hoop and hockey sticks.

On this date in history:  Dec 15, 1985 – Sylvester Stallone and Brigitte Nielson wed.  ***  
When the minister asked the traditional questions, Bridget answered, “I do” and Sly answered, “Yo.”

On this date in history:  Dec 15, 1995 – Playboy goes back on sale after 36 year ban in
Ireland.
  ***  It was a special edition for Ireland—the centerfold was a nude leprechaun.


Thursday, Dec 14

In Alabama, defeated senate candidate Roy Moore is demanding a recount, and told his
supporters, “God is always in control.”
 ***  So, in the first tally of votes, God miscounted?

Last Sunday, Seattle Seahawks defensive end Quinton Jefferson had to be restrained
from climbing into the stands after Jacksonville Jaguar fans threw food at him during the
game.   
***   The NFL immediately ordered an investigation to determine how anyone could afford
to throw away stadium food.  

On this date in history:  Dec 14, 1930 – Pro football team New York Giants defeats the
University of Notre Dame 22 - 0 in a charity game  
 ***  The charity part was that they didn’t
give Notre Dame a negative score.

On this date in history:  Dec 14, 1987 – Chrysler pleads no contest to telling buyers that
previously-driven vehicles were new.
 ***  But at least that was progress—a few years earlier
they couldn’t even convince customers that the new cars were new.

On this date in history:  Dec 14, 1995 – AIDS patient Jeff Getty receives a bone marrow
transplant from a baboon.
 ***   To help avoid rejection, doctors kept him on a steady diet of
bananas.


Wednesday, Dec 13

According to a recent medical study reported on NBC, depression can begin much
earlier than previously thought.  
***   In fact, it generally starts within 15 minutes of reading all
your friends’ posts on Facebook.

In an environment-friendly move, Anheuser-Busch plans to replace its delivery fleet with
electric Tesla trucks because they don’t have any dirty, smelly emissions.
 ***   Shucks, I
kinda liked the Clydesdales.

On this date in history:  Dec 13, 1843 – "A Christmas Carol" by Charles Dickens is
published.
 ***  It was previously just a boring story about three old ghosts, but then a friend said,
“Hey, Chuck, add a Christmas theme and come December it’ll sell like hot cakes.”

On this date in history:  Dec 13, 1938 – The temperature in Los Angeles drops to 28ºF.   
***   So what do you know, it did freeze over.

On this date in history:  Dec 13, 1961 – Jimmy Dean's “Big Bad John” becomes country
music's first million-dollar seller.  
***  Of course, it helped that every album came with a free
pack of sausage.


Tuesday, Dec 12

The New York City bomber reportedly had a pipe bomb which he attached to himself with
various fasteners.
  ***   The NRA immediately announced that it still opposes restrictions on
personal weapons, but indicated it would support a five-day cooling off period for purchases of
Velcro and zip ties.

Lady Gaga cancelled her European tour because of debilitating pain and said, “I have to
be with my doctors right now so I can be strong and perform for you all for the next 60
years or more.”  
***   And we wish her well, because we all want our grandchildren to be able to
see a 90 year old woman singing while dressed in bacon.  

On this date in history:  Dec 12, 1946 – The United Nations accepts six city blocks in
Manhattan as a gift from John D, Rockefeller Jr.
  ***   Ah yes, who wouldn’t love a nice set of
blocks for Christmas?

On this date in history:  Dec 12, 1949 – The American League votes 7-1 to outlaw the
spitball.  
***  They had tried it for a while, but all the players insisted on carrying bottles of Purell.   

On this date in history:  Dec 12, 1957 – Jerry Lee Lewis weds his cousin Myra Gale Brown,
13, while still married to his first wife, Jane Mitcham.
 ***  That move pretty much limited him
to a career in either music or politics.


Monday, Dec 11

The mayor of Davenport, Florida was arrested for using the handicap parking permits of
deceased people.
 ***  She apologized for her illegal actions, and promised that from now on she’
ll be sure to put the dead person in the passenger seat.

In a Q&A session at a children’s hospital, Melania Trump said she’d like to spend
Christmas on a deserted island.  ***
 In a helpful message, Kim Jong Un told her that in the near
future Guam may qualify.

On this date in history:  Dec 11, 1936 – King Edward VIII abdicates the English throne to
marry American divorcee Wallis Simpson, and the Duke of York becomes king.
 ***  The
new king’s first act was to declare this date “Wallis Simpson Appreciation Day.”

On this date in history:  Dec 11, 1978 – Six masked men bound employees in Lufthansa’s
cargo area at New York Kennedy Airport and made off with $5.8 million.
  ***   However,
Lufthansa quickly recovered all the money through exorbitant baggage fees.

On this date in history:  Dec 11, 1961 – The Marvelettes release “Please, Mr.
Postman."  
    ***    I believe it’s about a teenage girl anxiously awaiting a package from Amazon.


Friday, Dec 8

Ford just announced it will manufacture its next-generation electric car in Mexico, which
is contrary to the wishes of President Trump.
 ***  A company spokesman said they’d like to
honor the president’s request, but there were just too many problems with building a plant in
Jerusalem.

Earlier this week there was a 10% run-up in the stock price of O’Reilly Auto Parts.  ***  
Meanwhile, there was a declining value of the Fox News affiliate, O’Reilly Private Parts.

On this date in history:  Dec 8, 1777 – Captain Cook leaves the Society Islands.  ***   He
then went to the Society Mountains because he preferred high society.

On this date in history:  Dec 8, 1886 – The American Federation of Labor (AFL) is formed
and its president is Samuel Gompers, who had been president of the Cigar Makers
Union.
 ***  I believe his campaign motto was “Make America Smoke Again.”

On this date in history:  Dec 8, 1923 – The German-U.S. friendship treaty is signed.  ***  
Well, that didn’t last. Too bad they couldn’t have done something more binding, like friending each
other on Facebook.


Thursday, Dec 7

Lionsgate studio suddenly dropped plans for a December release of “Gotti,” in which
John Travolta plays notorious mob leader John Gotti.
***  Studio executives said they had no
idea the film would feature a Bee Gees soundtrack and Mr. Gotti portrayed as a talented mobster
obsessed with disco dancing.

Researchers at Washington State University say drinking more wine can help a person
lose weight.
 ***  To prove it, they’re designing a scale you can crawl on.

On this date in history:  Dec 7, 1877 – Thomas A Edison demonstrates the gramophone.  
***  It was a special telephone used to call Grammas.

On this date in history:  Dec 7, 1907 – Eugene Corri becomes the first referee in a boxing
ring.
 ***  He met the requirements of having good eyesight, knowing the boxing rules and being
able to count to ten.

On this date in history:  Dec 7, 1938 – Philip Barry's "Here Come the Clowns" premieres in
New York City.  
 ***  It’s believed to have been the first play about politicians.


Wednesday, Dec 6

According to an article in “The Atlantic” magazine, Mike Pence had offered to replace
Donald Trump on the Republican ticket after revelations of Mr. Trump’s vulgar, sexist
remarks on the “Access Hollywood” tape.
  ***   The religiously conservative Mr. Pence was
reportedly shocked by Mr. Trump’s aggressive comments, especially after someone explained what
some of the words meant.

After the Zimbabwe military confined him to his home for several days, 93 year old
President Robert Mugabe apparently evaluated his situation and has resigned.  
 ***   
According to his staff, the turning point came when he found out his cable package includes
“Jeopardy” and “Wheel of Fortune.”

On this date in history:  Dec 6, 1877 – Thomas Edison makes the first sound recording.   
***  Development of the new technology took a lot of time and effort, but it was worth it; he was
finally able to prove to his wife that she snores.

On this date in history:  Dec 6, 1963 – The Beatles begin an annual Christmas tradition of
releasing a new holiday record for their fans.
 ***  And then a New Year’s tradition of making
huge deposits in their bank accounts.  

On this date in history:  Dec 6, 1974 – George Harrison releases "Ding Dong, Ding Dong."  
***  These days, however, a lot of celebrities are getting into trouble for releasing their ding dong.


Tuesday, Dec 5

A woman in Vermont was arrested for making ricin poison and feeding it to residents in
her retirement community, but without success  
 ***   At first she thought it was lethal, but that
was just everyone dozing off during the Matlock re-runs.

So viewers on the East Coast won’t have to stay up so late, the 2018 Academy Awards will
start half an hour earlier.
 ***  But then the host will spend 30 minutes thanking all the people
responsible for the early start.

On this date in history:  Dec 5, 1854 – Aaron Allen of Boston patents the folding theater
chair.
 ***   He got the idea after noticing that most of the plays were folding.

On this date in history:  Dec 5, 1861 – The Gatling gun is patented.  ***  It worked really well
for shooting gatlings.   

On this date in history:  Dec 5, 1951 – The TV show "Dragnet" premieres.  ***  Jack Webb
got the lead role; in auditions, he was the only actor who could speak with absolutely zero voice
inflection.


Monday, Dec 4

On Sunday, despite the detonation of carefully engineered explosives, the Pontiac
Silverdome remained standing.
  ***   Authorities have received several new offers to completely
level the structure, including an interesting one from a Mr. Kim Jong Un.

American Airlines announced it has found a solution for the holiday season pilot
shortage.  
***  However, when your pilot boards the plane you might want see if he has the
calloused hands of a baggage handler.

On this date in history:  Dec 4, 1783 – Gen Washington bids his officers farewell at
Fraunce's Tavern in New York City.
 ***  He then took off and left them stuck with the tab.

On this date in history:  Dec 4, 1812 – Peter Gaillard of Lancaster, Pennsylvania patents a
horse-drawn lawnmower.   ***
 Unfortunately, he was never able to train the horse to trim the
hedges.

On this date in history:  Dec 4, 1961 – The Museum of Modern Art discovers that
Matisse's “Le Bateau” has been hanging upside down for 47 days.  *
**  Apparently, they had
assumed that it was perfectly normal for an artist to sign his painting upside down at the top.