High Impact Humor

Joke Archives
(Jokes posted on the home page during the past 30 days)
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Thursday, Sep 13

In Livonia, Michigan, traffic on I-275 was disrupted Wednesday morning due to a
“hazardous material” incident.  
 ***  A police spokesperson said there was a serious accident
involving several cars and a water truck from Flint.


Wednesday, Sep 12

There are more and more rumors that Howard Schultz, the former CEO of Starbucks, is
planning to run for president.  
 ***   Great—instead of a leader who spends so much time on the
golf course, we’ll have one who runs the country from a laptop computer at the corner table in a
coffee shop.


Tuesday, Sep 11

Mattress Firm Inc., the largest U.S. mattress retailer, announced they may file for
bankruptcy.
 ***   No wonder the company’s in trouble—every time they need to make a decision
they say they’ll have to sleep on it.


Monday, Sep 10

In explaining why she did not tell President Trump about Bob Woodward’s request for an
interview, Kellyanne Conway said Mr. Woodward could have just called the switchboard.
 
***   She seemed perfectly sincere…until she wrinkled her nose and said, “One ringy dingy…two
ringy dingy…”


Friday, Sep 7

The FBI has recovered Judy Garland’s “Wizard of Oz” ruby red slippers that gave
Dorothy the power to click her heels together three times and suddenly be home.
 ***   
After reading that news, President Trump ordered a pair of ruby red golf shoes; he wants to click
his heels three times and suddenly be on a golf course.


Thursday, Sep 6

In a recent interview, the CEO of Jetco Delivery said that new technologies will make
truck driving fun again.
  ***   Actually, I heard that’s what truck stops are for.


Wednesday, Sep 5

Disneyland is now offering alcoholic drinks for the first time in the park’s history.   ***   
But it’s a little embarrassing for guys who want bourbon and have to order a “Mickey Mouse on the
rocks.”


Tuesday, Sep 4

At Aretha Franklin’s funeral, a steady stream of speakers talked about the Queen of Soul
and her place in heaven for all eternity.
 ***   The concept of “eternity” can be difficult to fully
comprehend, but after the 8 hour service most attendees had a pretty good idea.


Monday, Sep 3

A can of pepper spray accidentally discharged on a Hawaiian Airlines flight from
California to Maui.
*** According to eyewitness reports, it panicked the passengers, shocked the
flight attendants and woke up the pilots.


Friday, Aug 31

California Congressman Duncan Hunter, who has been accused of misusing campaign
funds, is claiming that he had let his wife handle all the finances.
  ***    People everywhere
found his story hard to believe until he explained that in return she lets him have the TV remote.

A lot of Brits are complaining that 5 year old Prince George was brought along on a family
grouse hunt.  
***  Of course, royal family grouse hunts are something special, and it’s always
exciting to see the firepower of the Royal Air Force.

On this date in history:  Aug 31, 1935 – The first national skeet shooting championship is
held in Indianapolis.
 ***  Indiana was the only state where PETA could not get skeets classified
as an endangered species.

On this date in history:  Aug 31, 1954 – Hurricane Carol hits New England and is the first
major storm to be given a name.
 ***   I guess they felt if something’s going to destroy your town
you may as well be on a first name basis.

On this date in history:  Aug 31, 1971 – Astronaut Dave Scott becomes the first person to
drive a car on the Moon.
 ***  And he became the only driver to ever encounter potholes worse
than Michigan’s.


Thursday, Aug 30

The Statue of Liberty was evacuated earlier this week because of a fire scare.   ***  
Afterwards, officials tried to calm frightened tourists by explaining, “Look, it’s not a real torch.”  

There are rumors that Ben Affleck may lose his Batman role after he leaves alcohol
rehab because of the cost of insuring movie productions that he’s in.
  ***  Not to mention
the embarrassment of getting DUI’s with the Batmobile.

On this date in history:  Aug 30, 1885 – 13,000 meteors are seen in one hour near the
Andromeda constellation.   ***
 The only thing more impressive than the meteors was the fact
that somebody could count that fast.

On this date in history:  Aug 30, 1963 – The “Hot line” communications link between
Washington D.C. and Moscow begins operation.
 ***   So far, President Trump has only used it
on Valentine’s Day.

On this date in history:  Aug 30, 1965 – A section of the Allalin glacier wipes out a
construction site near Saas-Fee, Switzerland.  
  ***   Despite their valiant efforts, it could not
be stopped by thousands of workers armed with hair dryers.


Wednesday, Aug 29

Former Spice Girl singer Mel B checked herself into a rehab facility to deal with alcohol
and sex addiction.
  ***   She was dropped off by a really happy Uber driver.

In an interview with Vogue magazine, Stormy Daniels said that Donald Trump lasted less
than two minutes in bed.
 ***  Well, perhaps he was intimidated by the stopwatch.

On this date in history:  Aug 29, 1758 – The first Indian reservation is established.   ***   
“Mr. & Mrs. Sitting Bull, table for two, 6:00.”

On this date in history:  Aug 29, 1854 – Daniel Halladay patents the first “self-governing
windmill.”  
 ***   Don’t get that confused with the first politician, who was a “self-governing
windbag.”   

On this date in history:  Aug 29, 1990 – Saddam Hussein declares America cannot beat
Iraq.  
***  He later changed that to best 2 out of 3.


Tuesday, Aug 28

At the newly opened DogHouse hotel in Columbus, Ohio, every room has its own beer
taps and a built-in beer fridge in the shower, and a lobby bartender gives a
complimentary beer to people as they check in.
 ***  So far, the only guest has been a guy
from Boston named Norm. (And he refuses to leave.)

With many pilots nearing retirement age, airlines are aggressively recruiting
replacements.
  ***   I wouldn’t say they’re relaxing their standards, but a few people in the job fair
lines had white canes.

On this date in history:  Aug 28, 1867 – U.S. troops occupy Midway Island in the Pacific   ***
They had already occupied Partway Island and Most-of-the-Way Island.

On this date in history:  Aug 28, 1978 – Donald Vesco rides a modified Kawasaki
motorcycle at 318 mph.
  ***  It was so fast all of his tattoos blew off.

On this date in history:  Aug 28, 1983 – Joseph Kreckman sets a record of shooting 2,215
clay pigeons in one hour.  ***
 And he never even took them out of the box.


Monday, Aug 27

The Department of Homeland Security recently discovered a tunnel running from the
Mexican border to an abandoned KFC restaurant in Arizona.  
 ***   Sharp DHS agents
immediately realized the Colonel had become tempted by easy money and was smuggling in his
chickens from Mexico.

Elon Musk has dropped plans to take Tesla private with funding from Saudi Arabia.   ***   
The Saudis said they appreciate his innovative style but they balked at the whole idea of electrified
camels with humps re-purposed as “battery packs.”  

On this date in history:  Aug 27, 1912 – Edgar Rice Burroughs publishes “Tarzan.”   ***  
Very few people know that his first draft of the jungle story was much more incredible, with little
Tarzan orphaned in Washington D.C. and raised by a family of politicians.

On this date in history:  Aug 27, 1928 – Sixty nations sign the Kellogg-Briand Pact, where
they agree to outlaw war.
 ***   In a nod to Kellogg, they also agreed that breakfast is the most
important meal.

On this date in history:  Aug 27, 1945 – Thirteen days after the Japanese announced their
surrender,  U.S. troops land in Japan.
  ***  The relieved Japanese said, “NOW can we put our
hands down?”


Friday, Aug 24

At a recent Beverly Hills bash Kim Kardashian was fashionably accessorized with a $5,000
purse designed to look like it was filled with french fries.
 ***  You know, to match her hips.

Jimmy Buffet is opening a string of Margaritaville-themed retirement communities.  ***  
Each residence comes with a front porch swing, a six string guitar and a blender…and, for people
who tend to lose things, an extra shaker of salt.

On this date in history:  Aug 24, 1662 – In England, the “Act of Uniformity” requires all
citizens to accept the “Book of Common Prayer.”  
 ***   And that’s when God rolled his eyes
and said, “Bor-ring.”

On this date in history:  Aug 24, 1853 – In Saratoga, New York, George Crum makes the
world’s first potato chips.
  ***   In a visionary move, he packaged them just like Pringles,
although it took forever to find ones that all fit together.

On this date in history:  Aug 24, 1932 – Amelia Earhart makes the first transcontinental
non-stop flight by a woman.
  ***   Traveling non-stop is especially challenging for women
because they keeping wanting to stop and ask for directions.


Thursday, Aug 23

Aretha Franklin reportedly left behind an $80 million estate but no will, so authorities are
unsure who gets the inheritance.  
 ***   You know, I think that’s so typical of Aunt Aretha…

Country music star Gretchen Wilson was arrested aboard an American Airlines flight for
being “belligerent.”
  ***  Actually, she was just singing her latest country hits: The angry “Ain’t
No Room in the Overhead Bin,” the provocative “Who’s the Sexy Guy in 23B,” and her biggest hit—
the very tearful lament, “No Free Drinks in Coach.”

On this date in history:  Aug 23, 1919 – The "Gasoline Alley" comic strip premieres in The
Chicago Tribune.
 ***   The comic has recently been updated and is now called “Hybrid Gas &
Electric Alley.”

On this date in history:  Aug 23, 1958 – Marie Ashton completes a piano-playing record of
133 hours.
 ***  Hey, how about a little credit to the Guinness World Records rep who had to listen
to that @%#@ piano for 133 hours?

On this date in history:  Aug 23, 1979 – Bolshoi Ballet dancer Alexander Godunov secretly
defects to the Americans in New York City.
  ***   Atlhough it’s tough to move discretely when
you’re walking on your toes and spinning.


Wednesday, Aug 22

Nabisco is redesigning its Animal Cracker boxes and will no longer show the animals in
cages.
 ***  So, children can now learn to respect animals and their natural habitat, before they pull
them from the box and bite their heads off.

The EPA has repealed federal emissions regulations for coal-fired powerplants.  ***  After
checking to make sure all those coal-burning sites were downwind of the White House.

On this date in history:  Aug 22, 1906 – The first Victor Victrola phonograph is
manufactured.  
***  Of course, visionaries realized that in the future millions of people would listen
to recordings through tiny earbuds, with the Victrola machine strapped to their back.

On this date in history:  Aug 22, 1911 – The Mona Lisa is stolen from the Louvre.   ***   The
thief was described as having a Mona Lisa smile.  Actually, THE Mona Lisa smile.

On this date in history:  Aug 22, 1968 – Cynthia Lennon sues John Lennon for divorce on
grounds of adultery.   ***
   Faced with a mountain of photographic evidence, Mr. Lennon
contended that Yoko was just helping him with a long-term comparison test of new mattresses.


Tuesday, Aug 21

The Ferrara Company, the maker of Chuckles, Boston Baked Beans and other candies, is
being sued for misleading, oversized packaging which has a large amount of “non-
functional empty space.”
 ***   Apparently the “functional” space holds the candies and the
function is to encourage wasteful spending, rot teeth and ruin diets.     

An English woman who was rescued by the Croatian Coast Guard 10 hours after falling
off a cruise ship said she sang the entire time to keep awake.
 ***  With my voice, I’d sing
just to keep the sharks away.

On this date in history:  Aug 21, 1945 - President Truman ends the Lend-Lease program.   
***  He was sick and tired of people not returning the White House lawnmower, hedge trimmer and
tools.

On this date in history:  Aug 21, 1968 – After a five year break, Russia once again starts
jamming Voice of America radio.   ***
  And they said they would continue jamming until VoA
brings back Casey Kasem’s Top Forty and the Howard Stern show.  

On this date in history:  Aug 21, 1977 - Donna Patterson Brice sets a water skiing speed
record of 111 mph.
  ***   She also set the record for longest distance skied on dry land after she
suddenly ran out of lake.


.Monday, Aug 20

Researchers at Massachusetts General Hospital found that men who wear brief-style
undershorts have lower sperm counts, and they believe it’s because the tight fitting
garment causes higher scrotal temperatures.  
***  Oh, I thought all those environmentalists
were saying “global" warming.

Stack-On Products, a company that makes storage shelves, is moving from Chicago to
Mexico because of the new steel and aluminum tariffs.
 ***  But mostly because it’s safer.

On this date in history:  Aug 20, 1794 – General “Mad Anthony” Wayne routes the Indians
in a battle at Fallen Timbers, Ohio.
  ***   He immediately changed his name to “Happy Anthony.”

On this date in history:  Aug 20, 1896 – The dial telephone is patented.   ***   In spite of the
shift to push-buttons and keypads, kids today are still familiar with the term “dial.”  They all know it’s
the name of a soap.

On this date in history:  Aug 20, 1980 – Reinhold Messner of Italy makes the first solo
ascent of Mt. Everest.
  ***   Or so he says.


Friday, Aug 17

President Trump’s military parade has been postponed, apparently because the $12
million cost estimate has ballooned to $92 million.
  ***   And because the members of his
cabinet are still refusing to wear funny hats and zoom around in tiny motorized cars.  

YouTube has removed a trailer for the horror film “The Nun” because it was too
frightening.  
 ***   The sound of rattling rosary beads…a close-up of a 12-inch ruler…and
suddenly, the threatening stare of Sister Mary Margaret.

On this date in history:  Aug 17, 1846 – In the Mexican-American war, U.S. forces take
over Los Angeles.  
 ***   And we’re still stuck with it.

On this date in history:  Aug 17, 1960 – In Moscow, the trial begins for U-2 spy plane pilot
Francis Gary Powers.   ***
  I believe it was commonly known as the “peek-a-boo trial.”

On this date in history:  Aug 17, 1986 – The famous bronze pig statue is unveiled at
Seattle's Pike Place Market.   ***
 Actually,  because of a limited budget, they just used a cheap
taxidermist and a can of bronze paint


Thursday, Aug 16

In Connecticut, two ladies working in a high school cafeteria have been accused of
stealing—over a period of several years—$ 500,000 in lunch money.   ***
 Wow—how many
kids did they have to beat up in the parking lot?

Experts say that sleeping in a cool room can lead to weight loss.  ***  So, there are a lot of
skinny Eskimos?  

On this date in history:  Aug 16, 1870 – In baseball, Fred Goldsmith demonstrates that the
“curve ball” is real, and not just an optical illusion.
  ***  Like “exciting baseball.”

On this date in history:  Aug 16, 1898 – The roller coaster is patented.  ***  Actually, the
patent was quite broad and covered any ride that makes you throw up.

On this date in history:  Aug 16, 1991 – President Bush declares the recession is near an
end.  
 ***   Unfortunately, it was the front end.


Wednesday, Aug 15

David Joyner, the man who played Barney the Dinosaur, now provides a sex service
known as “tantra massage.”   ***  
 The details of his personal technique have not been
revealed, although he did name his business “Fifty Shades of Purple.”

Vice President Mike Pence has given some updates on the proposed military “Space
Force.”   
***    And he said the weaponry plans will be finalized as soon as President Trump
finishes taking notes from all the re-runs of “Star Trek.”

On this date in history:  Aug 15, 1899 – Louisville's Henry Dowling strikes out 5 times in
one game.  
 ***  Previously, his worst record was striking out 4 times with the same woman.

On this date in history:  Aug 15, 1968 – Pirate station Radio Free London begins
transmitting.
 ***  I believe its call sign was A-R-R-R.

On this date in history:  Aug 15, 1971 – President Nixon announces a 90-day price freeze.  
***  He said that should give Pat enough time to finish her shopping.


Tuesday, Aug 14

According to the Wall Street Journal, President Trump gets a huge tax break in New
Jersey because one of his clubs maintains a herd of eight goats.  
 ***   That’s in addition to
the White House, where he has a large herd of scapegoats.

Actress Nia Vardalos, the star of “My Big Fat Greek Wedding,” has filed for divorce.  ***  
She now plans to make a movie about her own wedding and call it “My Big Fat Mistake.”  

On this date in history:  Aug 14, 1846 – Henry David Thoreau is jailed for tax resistance.   
***   The IRS said that regardless of his book, maintenance of Walden Pond did not qualify as a
business expense.

On this date in history:  Aug 14, 1880 – After 632 years of construction, the Cologne
Cathedral is finally completed.
 ***   It was taking so long even God said, “Hey, I don’t have
forever...”

On this date in history:  Aug 14, 1962 – A U.S. mail truck in Plymouth, Massachusetts is
robbed of $1.5 million.  ***
 It wasn’t easy—the thieves had to open 300,000 birthday cards sent
by grandmothers and take out all the $5 bills.


Monday, Aug 13

The U.S. has reportedly made several denuclearization proposals that have been
rejected by the North Koreans, who said they were “gangster-like.”
 ***   The U.S.
delegation denied the characterization and explained that “gangster-like” will be when Kim Jong Un
wakes up and finds a horse’s head at the foot of his bed.

In Chillicothe, Ohio, a woman gave birth to a baby boy in a Burger King bathroom while
she was overdosing on heroin.
 ***   But the saddest part of the story was that she named the
kid “Whopper.”

On this date in history:  Aug 13, 1917 – Phillies steal five bases in one inning against the
Braves.
 ***   The opposing pitcher was apparently not very good at multi-tasking.

On this date in history:  Aug 13, 1953 – President Eisenhower establishes the
Government Contract Compliance Committee.   ***
  It was comprised of two sub-
committees…one that made sure the “i’s” were dotted and one that made sure the “t’s” were
crossed.

On this date in history:  Aug 13, 1961 – Construction of the Berlin Wall begins in East
Germany.  
 ***   Actually, construction had been delayed for several months while they tried to get
Mexico to pay for it.


Friday, Aug 10

On “Fox & Friends,” Jillian Mele said, “Kim Jong Un is quite the romantic.”  ***  Yes,
nothing says “ambiance” like wine, cheese and candlelight while watching a late night execution.

Now engaged to Haily Baldwin, Justin Bieber was seen carrying the book “The Meaning
of Marriage.”
 ***  Actually, it’s the second in a series. The first one was “The Spelling of
Marriage.”

On this date in history:  Aug 10, 1792 – Mobs in Paris attack the palace of Louis XVI.  ***  
Fortunately for Louis, he had gone to his Zumba class and was not home at the time.

On this date in history:  Aug 10, 1846 – The Smithsonian Institution, sometimes referred
to as “the nation's attic," is established by Congress. ***
  Sometimes referred to as “the
nation’s swamp.”

On this date in history:  Aug 10, 1866 – The transatlantic cable is laid and former
President Buchanan uses it to communicate with Queen Victoria.
 ***  In those days, “having
cable” was a really big deal.


Thursday, Aug 9

The Reader’s Digest website has an article on “How to Unlock Your Car Door without a
Key in 30 Seconds.”
 ***  Park it in downtown Detroit and walk away.  

Thai citizenship has been granted to three of the boys who were trapped in a cave for
two weeks and then extricated by a harrowing rescue through two miles of flooded
tunnels.
 ***   The U.S. Congress was impressed and is now considering a similar citizenship
process for DACA.

On this date in history:  Aug 9, 1673 – Dutch troops recapture New York from the English.  
***   That would be a lot more difficult today—to get into the City they’d have to flag down at least a
thousand taxis.

On this date in history:  Aug 9, 1803 – The first horses arrive in Hawaii.  ***   Really?  They
couldn’t just take their vacations in a pasture back home?

On this date in history:  Aug 9, 1974 – Richard Nixon resigns the presidency. ***  As I recall,
he was replaced by Chevy Chase.


Wednesday, Aug 8

After initially telling her it would be OK, American Airlines refused to board a woman with
a cello, even though she bought an extra seat, because the instrument was too large.
 
***   An airline spokesman is now claiming, “No, no, no--We told her there’s always room for Jello.”

When Keith Urban found himself without cash for a cup of coffee and asked for help, an
elderly woman stepped in and gave him the money.
  ***   You know, it’s nice when celebrities
realize you’re never too rich or too famous to con a senior out of a few hard-earned dollars.

On this date in history:  Aug 8, 1709 – The first ascent in a hot air balloon is made by
Bartolomeu de Gusmao.
  ***   It was the first “Eye in the Sky,” but he had to shout his report on
the horse-and-buggy rush hour traffic.

On this date in history:  Aug 8, 1918 – After 6 U.S. soldiers are surrounded in France,
Alvin York shoots 20 Germans and captures 132 more.
 ***  After the war, the German
government gave each of those 132 soldiers the coveted “Stupid Dummkopf Award.”

On this date in history:  Aug 8, 1974 – President Richard Nixon announces he'll resign his
office the following day.  ***
 Unless the Fox & Friends morning show says he shouldn’t.


Tuesday, Aug 7

The Hood company has recalled its Vanilla Almond Breeze almond milk because it may
actually contain some dairy milk.
 ***  How could they possibly get dairy and almond milks
confused? Everyone knows that milk-giving cows are the ones without the nuts.  

The president of Venezuela claims that the recent assassination attempt on him involved
people in Florida.
 ***  He said the conspirators were seen meeting at a restaurant every day at 4:
00 to plan the operation, which was code named “Early Bird Special.”

On this date in history:  Aug 7, 1782 – George Washington creates the Order of the
Purple Heart.
  ***  Fortunately, he dropped plans to establish other honors based on colored
organs.

On this date in history:  Aug 7, 1789 – The U.S. War Department is established.   ***  And it
did a great job of creating and maintaining wars for many, many years.

On this date in history:  Aug 7, 1970 – The first computer chess tournament is held.  ***   It
was the computer nerds vs. the chess nerds.


Monday, Aug 6

While attempting the “Keke Challenge,” which involves jumping out of a moving car
while dancing to a hip-hop song, an 18 year old Iowa girl fell and suffered a fractured
skull.
 ***  Yes, doctors say skulls are always more likely to fracture when there’s nothing inside.

Internet trolls are making fun of recent photos of Donald Trump Jr. and girlfriend
Kimberly Guilfoyle because they have been so heavily airbrushed.
 ***   However, Don Jr.
was so impressed he asked the artist if he could do the same thing to meeting calendars.

On this date in history:  Aug 6, 1890 – The first use of the electric chair in the U.S. takes
place in New York.  
 ***   Giving a whole new meaning to the phrase, “Please, have a seat.”

On this date in history:  Aug 6, 1961 – Russian cosmonaut Gherman Titov becomes the
first person to report motion sickness in space.
 ***  Unfortunately, he had to  spend the rest
of the flight trying to clean his helmet.

On this date in history:  Aug 6, 1989 – The Pilots Union tells members it’s okay to cross
Eastern picket lines.  
 ***  At 30,000 feet.