High Impact Humor

Joke Archives
(Jokes posted on the home page during the past 30 days)
Click here to return to home page
(Material displayed here is property of HIGH IMPACT HUMOR.  Do not use without authorization.)

Thursday, Dec 14

In Alabama, defeated senate candidate Roy Moore is demanding a recount, and told his
supporters, “God is always in control.”
 ***  So, in the first tally of votes, God miscounted?

Last Sunday, Seattle Seahawks defensive end Quinton Jefferson had to be restrained
from climbing into the stands after Jacksonville Jaguar fans threw food at him during the
game.   
***   The NFL immediately ordered an investigation to determine how anyone could afford
to throw away stadium food.  

On this date in history:  Dec 14, 1930 – Pro football team New York Giants defeats the
University of Notre Dame 22 - 0 in a charity game  
 ***  The charity part was that they didn’t
give Notre Dame a negative score.

On this date in history:  Dec 14, 1987 – Chrysler pleads no contest to telling buyers that
previously-driven vehicles were new.
 ***  But at least that was progress—a few years earlier
they couldn’t even convince customers that the new cars were new.

On this date in history:  Dec 14, 1995 – AIDS patient Jeff Getty receives a bone marrow
transplant from a baboon.
 ***   To help avoid rejection, doctors kept him on a steady diet of
bananas.


Wednesday, Dec 13

According to a recent medical study reported on NBC, depression can begin much
earlier than previously thought.  
***   In fact, it generally starts within 15 minutes of reading all
your friends’ posts on Facebook.

In an environment-friendly move, Anheuser-Busch plans to replace its delivery fleet with
electric Tesla trucks because they don’t have any dirty, smelly emissions.
 ***   Shucks, I
kinda liked the Clydesdales.

On this date in history:  Dec 13, 1843 – "A Christmas Carol" by Charles Dickens is
published.
 ***  It was previously just a boring story about three old ghosts, but then a friend said,
“Hey, Chuck, add a Christmas theme and come December it’ll sell like hot cakes.”

On this date in history:  Dec 13, 1938 – The temperature in Los Angeles drops to 28ºF.   
***   So what do you know, it did freeze over.

On this date in history:  Dec 13, 1961 – Jimmy Dean's “Big Bad John” becomes country
music's first million-dollar seller.  
***  Of course, it helped that every album came with a free
pack of sausage.


Tuesday, Dec 12

The New York City bomber reportedly had a pipe bomb which he attached to himself with
various fasteners.
  ***   The NRA immediately announced that it still opposes restrictions on
personal weapons, but indicated it would support a five-day cooling off period for purchases of
Velcro and zip ties.

Lady Gaga cancelled her European tour because of debilitating pain and said, “I have to
be with my doctors right now so I can be strong and perform for you all for the next 60
years or more.”  
***   And we wish her well, because we all want our grandchildren to be able to
see a 90 year old woman singing while dressed in bacon.  

On this date in history:  Dec 12, 1946 – The United Nations accepts six city blocks in
Manhattan as a gift from John D, Rockefeller Jr.
  ***   Ah yes, who wouldn’t love a nice set of
blocks for Christmas?

On this date in history:  Dec 12, 1949 – The American League votes 7-1 to outlaw the
spitball.  
***  They had tried it for a while, but all the players insisted on carrying bottles of Purell.   

On this date in history:  Dec 12, 1957 – Jerry Lee Lewis weds his cousin Myra Gale Brown,
13, while still married to his first wife, Jane Mitcham.
 ***  That move pretty much limited him
to a career in either music or politics.


Monday, Dec 11

The mayor of Davenport, Florida was arrested for using the handicap parking permits of
deceased people.
 ***  She apologized for her illegal actions, and promised that from now on she’
ll be sure to put the dead person in the passenger seat.

In a Q&A session at a children’s hospital, Melania Trump said she’d like to spend
Christmas on a deserted island.  ***
 In a helpful message, Kim Jong Un told her that in the near
future Guam may qualify.

On this date in history:  Dec 11, 1936 – King Edward VIII abdicates the English throne to
marry American divorcee Wallis Simpson, and the Duke of York becomes king.
 ***  The
new king’s first act was to declare this date “Wallis Simpson Appreciation Day.”

On this date in history:  Dec 11, 1978 – Six masked men bound employees in Lufthansa’s
cargo area at New York Kennedy Airport and made off with $5.8 million.
  ***   However,
Lufthansa quickly recovered all the money through exorbitant baggage fees.

On this date in history:  Dec 11, 1961 – The Marvelettes release “Please, Mr.
Postman."  
    ***    I believe it’s about a teenage girl anxiously awaiting a package from Amazon.


Friday, Dec 8

Ford just announced it will manufacture its next-generation electric car in Mexico, which
is contrary to the wishes of President Trump.
 ***  A company spokesman said they’d like to
honor the president’s request, but there were just too many problems with building a plant in
Jerusalem.

Earlier this week there was a 10% run-up in the stock price of O’Reilly Auto Parts.  ***  
Meanwhile, there was a declining value of the Fox News affiliate, O’Reilly Private Parts.

On this date in history:  Dec 8, 1777 – Captain Cook leaves the Society Islands.  ***   He
then went to the Society Mountains because he preferred high society.

On this date in history:  Dec 8, 1886 – The American Federation of Labor (AFL) is formed
and its president is Samuel Gompers, who had been president of the Cigar Makers
Union.
 ***  I believe his campaign motto was “Make America Smoke Again.”

On this date in history:  Dec 8, 1923 – The German-U.S. friendship treaty is signed.  ***  
Well, that didn’t last. Too bad they couldn’t have done something more binding, like friending each
other on Facebook.


Thursday, Dec 7

Lionsgate studio suddenly dropped plans for a December release of “Gotti,” in which
John Travolta plays notorious mob leader John Gotti.
***  Studio executives said they had no
idea the film would feature a Bee Gees soundtrack and Mr. Gotti portrayed as a talented mobster
obsessed with disco dancing.

Researchers at Washington State University say drinking more wine can help a person
lose weight.
 ***  To prove it, they’re designing a scale you can crawl on.

On this date in history:  Dec 7, 1877 – Thomas A Edison demonstrates the gramophone.  
***  It was a special telephone used to call Grammas.

On this date in history:  Dec 7, 1907 – Eugene Corri becomes the first referee in a boxing
ring.
 ***  He met the requirements of having good eyesight, knowing the boxing rules and being
able to count to ten.

On this date in history:  Dec 7, 1938 – Philip Barry's "Here Come the Clowns" premieres in
New York City.  
 ***  It’s believed to have been the first play about politicians.


Wednesday, Dec 6

According to an article in “The Atlantic” magazine, Mike Pence had offered to replace
Donald Trump on the Republican ticket after revelations of Mr. Trump’s vulgar, sexist
remarks on the “Access Hollywood” tape.
  ***   The religiously conservative Mr. Pence was
reportedly shocked by Mr. Trump’s aggressive comments, especially after someone explained what
some of the words meant.

After the Zimbabwe military confined him to his home for several days, 93 year old
President Robert Mugabe apparently evaluated his situation and has resigned.  
 ***   
According to his staff, the turning point came when he found out his cable package includes
“Jeopardy” and “Wheel of Fortune.”

On this date in history:  Dec 6, 1877 – Thomas Edison makes the first sound recording.   
***  Development of the new technology took a lot of time and effort, but it was worth it; he was
finally able to prove to his wife that she snores.

On this date in history:  Dec 6, 1963 – The Beatles begin an annual Christmas tradition of
releasing a new holiday record for their fans.
 ***  And then a New Year’s tradition of making
huge deposits in their bank accounts.  

On this date in history:  Dec 6, 1974 – George Harrison releases "Ding Dong, Ding Dong."  
***  These days, however, a lot of celebrities are getting into trouble for releasing their ding dong.


Tuesday, Dec 5

A woman in Vermont was arrested for making ricin poison and feeding it to residents in
her retirement community, but without success  
 ***   At first she thought it was lethal, but that
was just everyone dozing off during the Matlock re-runs.

So viewers on the East Coast won’t have to stay up so late, the 2018 Academy Awards will
start half an hour earlier.
 ***  But then the host will spend 30 minutes thanking all the people
responsible for the early start.

On this date in history:  Dec 5, 1854 – Aaron Allen of Boston patents the folding theater
chair.
 ***   He got the idea after noticing that most of the plays were folding.

On this date in history:  Dec 5, 1861 – The Gatling gun is patented.  ***  It worked really well
for shooting gatlings.   

On this date in history:  Dec 5, 1951 – The TV show "Dragnet" premieres.  ***  Jack Webb
got the lead role; in auditions, he was the only actor who could speak with absolutely zero voice
inflection.


Monday, Dec 4

On Sunday, despite the detonation of carefully engineered explosives, the Pontiac
Silverdome remained standing.
  ***   Authorities have received several new offers to completely
level the structure, including an interesting one from a Mr. Kim Jong Un.

American Airlines announced it has found a solution for the holiday season pilot
shortage.  
***  However, when your pilot boards the plane you might want see if he has the
calloused hands of a baggage handler.

On this date in history:  Dec 4, 1783 – Gen Washington bids his officers farewell at
Fraunce's Tavern in New York City.
 ***  He then took off and left them stuck with the tab.

On this date in history:  Dec 4, 1812 – Peter Gaillard of Lancaster, Pennsylvania patents a
horse-drawn lawnmower.   ***
 Unfortunately, he was never able to train the horse to trim the
hedges.

On this date in history:  Dec 4, 1961 – The Museum of Modern Art discovers that
Matisse's “Le Bateau” has been hanging upside down for 47 days.  *
**  Apparently, they had
assumed that it was perfectly normal for an artist to sign his painting upside down at the top.


Friday, Dec 1

According to a recent worldwide study of over 800,000 individuals, married people are
20% less likely to show signs of dementia.
 ***  That’s because they still handle every situation
by saying, “Yes, Dear.”

According to Monica Lewinsky’s friend Linda Tripp, female staff at the White House were
afraid to bend over when they were around President Clinton.
 ***  And they would never
ever reach down to pick a cigar off the floor.

On this date in history:  Dec 1, 1783 – In Paris, Jacques Charles and Nicolas Roberts make
the world’s first untethered ascent with a hydrogen gas balloon.  
 ***  “No, dammit--I thought
you tied the rope.”

On this date in history:  Dec 1, 1953 – Hugh Hefner publishes the first edition of Playboy
magazine, featuring Marilyn Monroe as the centerfold.  
 ***   Thousands of men complained,
pointing out that those two pages could have been used for some really interesting articles.

On this date in history:  Dec 1, 1969 – The U.S. government holds its first draft lottery
since WW II.
 ***  It was announced with a commercial featuring Clint Eastwood saying, “You've got
to ask yourself one question: 'Do I feel lucky?' “


Thursday, Nov 30

After complaints of “inappropriate behavior,” storyteller Garrison Keillor has been fired
by Minnesota Public Radio.
 ***  Mr. Keillor can now be contacted at his home on Lake
WeBeGone.

In an upcoming test program, some buses in London will be running on coffee-based
biofuel.
 ***  Wow—imagine the road rage when the vehicles are on a caffeine high.

On this date in history:  Nov 30, 1678 – Roman Catholics are banned from being members
of the English Parliament.
 ***  It was just too disruptive to have so many people taking off early
on bingo night.  

On this date in history:  Nov 30, 1753 – Benjamin Franklin receives the Godfrey Copley
medal "on account of his curious Experiments and Observations on Electricity."
 ***  The
Copley medal was an annual award given for the weirdest use of a kite.

On this date in history:  Nov 30, 1866 – In Chicago, work begins on the first U.S.
underwater tunnel for carriage traffic.
 ***   It was a convenient route, but the drivers and
horses found it difficult to hold their breath.


Wednesday, Nov 29

Disney is planning to make a live action movie based on its animated film, “Prince
Charming,” but they say the story will be told from an entirely different perspective.
 ***  I
believe it will be told from the viewpoint of the women, who document the predatory behavior of the
smooth-talking prince and get him thrown in prison for ten years.

A Breitbart News editor tried to excuse Roy Moore’s history of dating young girls by
referencing Ringo Starr singing “You’re Sixteen.”
 ***  And if Mr. Moore is elected to the U.S.
Senate, he can reference the Beatles singing “Fool on the Hill.”   

On this date in history:  Nov 29, 1775 – Sir James Jay invents invisible ink.   ***  People
were amazed when he demonstrated it by writing on invisible paper with an invisible pen.

On this date in history:  Nov 29, 1877 – Thomas Edison holds the first public
demonstration of his hand-cranked phonograph.
 *** While cranking with one hand, he used
the other hand to point out the lyrics on a song sheet and called it karaoke.

On this date in history:  Nov 29, 1959 – The 2nd Annual Grammy Awards was held and
Bobby Darin won with “Mack The Knife.”
 ***  I believe that was in the category “Songs About
Weapons.”


Tuesday, Nov 28

Time magazine has just been bought by Meredith Corporation, which publishes other
magazines such as Better Homes & Gardens.
***   Media observers say if President Trump
wants to be the Time’s “Person of the Year” again, he’ll have to beat out an interior decorator and
a landscaper.

A 68 year old woman was arrested for stalking race car driver Tony Stewart.   ***  It’s not
easy to be a 68 year old stalker; you have to you have to plan around your nap times, make sure
your meds are nearby, and always remember to oil the wheels on your walker.

On this date in history:  Nov 28, 1861 – The Confederate Congress officially admits
Missouri to Confederacy.  
***  State officials had to promise to help fund the new government,
provide soldiers to fight in the Civil War, and erect a lot of statues of the officers even if they lose.

On this date in history:  Nov 28, 1895 – America's first car race takes place, with the
winner averaging 7 mph.
  *** They used a green flag to start the race, a yellow flag to warn of
an accident, and a white flag to signal that there was one lap left and it was time to wake up the
spectators.

On this date in history:  Nov 28, 1929 – Admiral Richard E. Byrd makes the first flight to
the South Pole. *
**  He just wanted to get a really cool selfie for his Facebook page.  


Monday, Nov 27

After 68 year old Congressman Joe Barton sent naked photos of himself to a Texas
woman, she later made them public, which is a violation of a Texas law against “revenge
porn.”
 ***  She also violated a federal law against distributing nude pictures of anyone who’s old
enough for Social Security.

On Thanksgiving Eve, Donald Trump Jr. tweeted several suggested topics for
Thanksgiving dinner conversations, such as “Stock markets at all time highs” and
“Consumer confidence through the roof.”
 ***  Now he’s working on topics for next
Thanksgiving, such as “Plastic utensils suck,” and “What’s new in the exercise yard.”

On this date in history:  Nov 27, 1839 – The American Statistical Association organizes in
Boston.
***  They figured they’d have a 94.3% probability of being successful.

On this date in history:  Nov 27, 1870 – The New York Times dubs baseball "The National
Game."
 ***  Football fans cried, “Fake news!”

On this date in history:  Nov 27, 1934 – Bank robber George “Baby Face” Nelson dies in a
shoot-out with the FBI.   
***  Agents had been told to be on the lookout for a 2 year old with a
deep voice.


Wednesday, Nov 22

Students in China say they have been forced to work 11 hours a day assembling Apple’s
new iPhones.
 ***  And here in the U.S., students spend about the same amount of time each day
using them.

The annual Thanksgiving pardoning ceremony took place at the White House with
President Trump and two turkeys named Drumstick and Wishbone.
 ***  However, because
of all the turmoil surrounding the presidency, the turkeys refused to grant Mr. Trump a pardon.

On this date in history:  Nov 22, 1910 – Arthur Knight patents golf clubs with steel shafts.  
***  Not only were they straighter and stronger than the old wood shafts, but they were also more
satisfying to wrap around a tree.

On this date in history:  Nov 22, 1939 – Bugsy Siegel and three associates murder Harry
"Big Greenie" Greenberg after Greenberg had threatened to become a police
informant.  
***  To paraphrase Kermit, it’s not easy being Greenie.

On this date in history:  Nov 22, 1942 – Hitler orders Rommel's Africa Korps to fight to the
last man.
  ***   Soldiers ask if the “last man” would be determined alphabetically or by height.   


Tuesday, Nov 21

A man in Hampton, Virginia had his thumb bitten off while trying to fight off a carjacker.   
***  You know you’re having a bad day when someone steals your car and then you can’t even
hitchhike home.

Walmart plans to compete against online companies like Amazon by hosting 20,000
holiday parties at its Superstores across the country.
 ***  The dress code will be “Walmart
formal”:  Black sweatpants and high-heeled flip-flops.

On this date in history:  Nov 20, 1794 – Honolulu Harbor is discovered.   ***  As expected,
they found it right there, in Honolulu.

On this date in history:  Nov 20, 1871 – Emilio Onra becomes the first human cannonball.  
***   It wasn’t easy to find a man of his caliber.

On this date in history:  Nov 20, 1877 – Tom Edison announces his "talking machine"
invention, the phonograph.  ***
 Always a jokester, whenever people asked to see his “talking
machine,” he would introduce his wife.


Monday, Nov 20

A study of retail stores shows that IKEA has one of the best return policies.  ***   In fact,
after you assemble the furniture you can get a partial refund just for returning all the leftover
pieces.

At a Vatican dinner for the homeless, Pope Francis said that helping the poor is a
“passport to paradise.”
  ***   But he also warned that paradise has a really tough policy of
extreme vetting.

On this date in history:  Nov 20, 1929 – Salvador Dali holds his first one-man art show.  ***  
But no one knew when it was time to open the doors because all the clocks were droopy.

On this date in history:  Nov 20, 1980 – United Artists withdraws the movie "Heaven's
Gate" for re-editing.
 ***  According to a studio spokesman, concerns arose after someone did
some fact-checking with the Bible.

On this date in history:  Nov 20, 1992 – Windsor Castle, the home of Queen Elizabeth,
catches fire.
***  According to the royal spokesman, installing electrically heated seats on the
throne had seemed like a good idea at the time.  
(But not such a good idea in “hindsight.”)     


Friday, Nov 17

President Trump said that during a break between meetings in the Philippines he was
“forced to watch CNN.”
 ***  But he assured his supporters that he put his hands over his eyes
and just peeked through his fingers.

Some McDonald’s restaurants are providing “phone lockers” so people can avoid phone
usage and actually talk with each other as they eat.
  ***   And in January McDonald’s will also
offer “diet lockers” so customers can put their New Year’s diet resolutions out of sight before they
order.

On this date in history:  Nov 17, 1278 – In England, 293 people were hanged for
counterfeiting coins.
  ***   As a parting shot, the hangman offered each one “A penny for your
thoughts.”

On this date in history:  Nov 17, 1800 – Congress holds its first session in the partially
constructed Capitol building.
 ***  Of course, the building has changed a lot since then; for
example, the aisle between the two parties has gotten considerably wider.

On this date in history:  Nov 17, 1977 – In the Miss World Contest, Miss UK wears a bikini
made out of platinum and worth $9,500.
 ***  But, she was upstaged by another contestant who
wore a platinum bikini only worth half as much.


Thursday, Nov 16

In a recent survey, several celebrity chefs said that sweet potato casserole lacks
substance, has no redeeming qualities and should never be included in a Thanksgiving
dinner.  
 ***    I believe they said the same thing about in-laws.

Charles Manson has been transferred from prison to a Bakersfield hospital and is
reportedly near death.
 ***  After a series of tests, doctors there concluded that he’s suffering
from a terminal case of helter-skelter.

On this date in history:  Nov 16, 1380 – French King Charles VI declares no taxes
forever.
 ***  He then defined forever as “longer than a year, but less than two.”  

On this date in history:  Nov 16, 1939 – Al Capone is paroled from prison, but was
suffering from syphilis.
 ***  Despite a lucrative offer, as he walked out the prison gates he
couldn’t even say, “I’m going to Disneyland!”

On this date in history:  Nov 16, 1963 – The touch-tone telephone is introduced.  ***  It
immediately doubled sales on the Home Shopping Network.


Wednesday, Nov 15

After backlash from Keurig’s decision to pull its advertising from Sean Hannity’s show,
the coffee machine company’s CEO said it was not their intention to “take sides” and
escalate that emotionally charged issue.
 ***   He said the situation could be resolved if
everyone would just calm down, take a deep breath and switch to decaf.  

In Indianapolis, two women pulled up to a McDonald’s drive-thru window to complain
about an earlier order, then crawled through the window and attacked the manager.
 ***  
When will people ever learn—if you have complaints at the drive-thru you’re supposed to climb in
through the FIRST window.

On this date in history:  Nov 15, 1620 – Myles Standish leads 16 men on an exploration of
Cape Cod.
 ***   They reported finding several well-to-do Indian families living in really extravagant
teepees on some fantastic beachfront properties.

On this date in history:  Nov 15, 1763 – Charles Mason and Jeremiah Dixon begin
surveying between Pennsylvania and Maryland to establish the Mason-Dixon Line.  
***   
Or, as it was first known, the Chuck & Jerry Line.

On this date in history:  Nov 15, 1932 – The Walt Disney Art School is established.  ***  The
first curriculum included Drawing 101—Mice, Drawing 102—Ducks, and Drawing 103—Dogs.


Tuesday, Nov 14

Starbucks chairman Howard Shultz is denying rumors that he’s thinking of running for
president.
  ***   He said it’s just a coincidence that Starbucks’ newest drinks are the Oval Office
Latte, West Wing Mocha and Rose Garden Macchiato.

Fans of TV host Sean Hannity are destroying their Keurig coffeemakers because the
manufacturer pulled its advertising when Hannity refused to denounce a sexual
predator.
 ***  I guess they feel it’s another case where the Keurig is worse than the sleaze. (Yes,
that one was a stretch.)

On this date in history:  Nov 14, 1380 – King Charles VI of France is crowned at age 12.   
***   “No, Chucky can’t come out to play today. He needs to declare war on England, sentence
several people to the guillotine, issue some proclamations in crayon, and take a nap.”

On this date in history:  Nov 14, 1910 – The first airplane flight from the deck of a ship
takes place in Norfolk, Virginia.
  ***  It was part of Travelocity’s new “Cruise and Fly” package.

On this date in history:  Nov 14, 1960 – Ray Charles' "Georgia On My Mind" reaches #1.   
***  In his senior years he recorded a second version, “Georgia Slipped My Mind.”


Monday, Nov 13

The Indian city of Hyderabad is clearing all the beggars off the streets in preparation for
a visit by Ivanka Trump later this month.
 ***   Authorities said it’s just not fair to let innocent
people get harassed by aggressive sales pitches for high fashion.

A former Trump bodyguard says that in 2013 the Russians arranged for five prostitutes to
be offered to Mr. Trump.
 ***  It was recognized that this could destroy a reputation, but the
prostitutes accepted anyway.

On this date in history:  Nov 13, 1775 – Benjamin Franklin writes, "Nothing is certain but
death and taxes."  
***  Although not usually in that order.

On this date in history:  Nov 13, 1851 – The first settlers land at Alki Point, which would
later become Seattle, Washington.
***  One of the settlers, a Mr. Starbuck, immediately brews a
pot of coffee to celebrate and writes everyone’s name on their cup.

On this date in history:  Nov 13, 1933 – The first modern sit-down strike is carried out by
Hormel meat packers in Minnesota.  
***  It was the first sit-down strike in which the strikers
insisted on chairs.


Friday, Nov 10

Speaking in St. Peter’s Square, Pope Francis said, “It makes me very sad when I say
Mass and I see so many cell phones in the air.
”  ***  And he said he really gets ticked off when
someone interrupts his homily to ask for the Wi-Fi password.

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell is reportedly furious over proposed changes to his
next contract.
 ***  In fact, when negotiations start he plans to show his displeasure by taking a
knee.

On this date in history:  Nov 10, 1619 – René Descartes has dreams that inspire his
"Meditations on First Philosophy."  
 ***  And all it took was a double dose of Nyquil.

On this date in history:  Nov 10, 1864 – Kingston, Georgia is burned during Sherman's
March to the Sea.
 ***   Sherman’s orders to his men were clear:  March relentlessly toward the
sea, burn anything that stands in your way, and don’t EVER stop and ask for directions.

On this date in history:  Nov 10, 1954 – John Stapp travels 632 mph in a rocket sled.  ***  
He really flew by all the other little kids on the slope.


Thursday, Nov 9

University of Cambridge scientists have found that sheep can recognize human faces.  
***  Ah yes, who could ever forget their first date?

In conservative Saudi Arabia, eleven Saudi princes accused of corruption are being held
at the Ritz-Carlton Riyadh, where they’re confined to the ballroom.  
 ***   Then every
evening a dance band comes in and they’re required to waltz, tango and foxtrot.

On this date in history:  Nov 9, 1865 – General Robert E. Lee surrenders to General
Ulysses S. Grant at Appomattox.
 ***   Grant refused Lee’s request that they go for best two out
of three.

On this date in history:  Nov 9, 1927 – The Giant Panda is discovered in China.   ***   Many
years later, however, that was overshadowed when tourists discovered Panda Express.

On this date in history:  Nov 9, 1965 – Several U.S. states and parts of Canada are hit by a
series of blackouts lasting up to 13 hours in the “Northeast Blackout of 1965.”
 ***  Today,
the government declares a state of emergency for any power outage that lasts longer than cell
phones can hold their charge.   


Wednesday, Nov 8

President Trump's planned trip to Korea’s DMZ was canceled because of fog.  ***  He
reportedly looked out the window and said, “Hey, I can’t golf in that crap.”

Actor Chuck Norris is suing several medical professionals, claiming that his wife was
poisoned when doctors injected her with Gadolinium to enhance her MRI image.
***  Mr.
Norris said everyone knows that if you want to enhance an image you should hire a PR firm.

On this date in history:  Nov 8, 1789 – In Bourbon, Kentucky, Elijah Craig makes the first
batch of bourbon whiskey, distilled from corn.
 ***   Unfortunately, his mother said that didn’t
count as “eating your vegetables.”

On this date in history:  Nov 8, 1895 – German physicist Wilhelm Roentgen produces and
detects electromagnetic radiation in a wavelength range now known as “X-rays.”
  ***  
However, the discovery didn’t find any practical applications until it was used to provide exceptional
vision powers for Superman.

On this date in history:  Nov 8, 1966 – Movie actor Ronald Reagan is elected governor of
California.
***  In 1970 he was re-elected for a second term, or, as they call it in California, a
sequel.


Tuesday, Nov 7

There are reports that Walt Disney Company is going to buy 21st Century Fox.  *** They
plan to change the name to 21st Century Mouse.

President Trump broke with the tradition of his predecessors and did not bow when he
met Japan’s 83 year old emperor.
 ***  A White House spokesman explained that Mr. Trump only
bows for ice cream, professional golfers and the NRA.

On this date in history:  Nov 7, 1492 – The “Ensisheim Meteorite” strikes a wheat field
outside the French village of Ensisheim.
  ***  And that was the beginning of shredded wheat.

On this date in history:  Nov 7, 1918 – United Press erroneously reports that the WW I
armistice had been signed.
 ***  And that was the beginning of fake news.

On this date in history:  Nov 7, 1933 – Pennsylvania voters overturn the blue laws and
permit Sunday sports.
 ***   At first it was just on a trial basis to see if they’d be struck down by
lightning.