High Impact Humor

Joke Archives
(Jokes posted on the home page during the past 30 days)
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Friday, Apr 20

A man in the Detroit suburb of Westland caused a 5-car pile-up, then stripped naked and
started dancing in the middle of the street.
  ***   Just another Michigan audition for “America’s
Got Talent.”

The White House is walking back accusations that outspoken Nikky Haley was
“confused” when she announced more Russian sanctions, and now they’re saying the
President’s last-minute change was mistakenly not communicated to her.
 ***  As the old
saying goes, “There’s many a slip ‘twixt the Trump and the Lip.”

On this date in history:  April 20, 1505 - Jews are expelled from Orange Burgundy.   ***   
There weren’t too many complaints because they thought it was a lousy color anyway.

On this date in history:  April 20, 1872 – The San Francisco Bar Association is organized.   
***   Although it was a little embarrassing when all the city’s bartenders showed up.   

On this date in history:  April 20, 1981 – The final episode of the TV show "Soap" is
broadcast.
  ***  It was replaced by a spin-off series, “Rinse.”   


Thursday, Apr 19

After a judge’s ruling in California, Starbucks there will need to post warnings about the
health dangers of drinking coffee.
 ***    Meanwhile, after the arrest of two men waiting in a
Pennsylvania Starbucks, shops in that state will need to post warnings about the dangers of not
drinking coffee.

President Trump said he will walk out of any meeting with North Korean leader Kim Jung
Un if the talks are not fruitful.
 ***  Or if they don’t have Diet Coke, Big Macs and ice cream.

On this date in history:  April 19, 1770 – Captain James Cook lands in Australia for the first
time.
 ***  After seeing a platypus, a kangaroo and a boomerang, he immediately decided to stop
drinking.

On this date in history:  April 19, 1919 – The French assembly passes legislation for an 8
hour work day.  
 ***    That was for themselves; all the citizens had to continue with the standard
12.  

On this date in history:  April 19, 1934 – Shirley Temple appears in her first movie, "Stand
Up and Cheer."  
 ***   It was ever so entertaining.


Wednesday, Apr 18

Studies at UCLA have found that excessive time spent sitting can physically affect
certain regions of the brain.
 ***  Researchers say these results seem to support common
accusations about where some people’s heads are located.

The staff of “Good Morning America” is reportedly happy that Lara Spencer is being cut
back from five days a week to only three, because she’s abrasive and “yells at people.”
 
***   They’re thankful for the two days where they won’t have to wear earplugs.

On this date in history:  Apr 18, 1663 – Osman declares war on Austria.  ***  Since no one
today ever heard of Osman, it’s a safe bet that Austria won that one.  

On this date in history:  Apr 18, 1968 – London Bridge is sold to a U.S. company and later
erected over Lake Havasu in Arizona.
 ***  Efforts to bring over the Thames River were not as
successful.

On this date in history:  Apr 18, 1988 – Barbra Streisand records "Warm All Over." ***  I
believe it was a love song about global warming


Tuesday, Apr 17

Fox News’ Sean Hannity, who was identified as the third client of pay-off lawyer Michael
Cohen, said he only used Mr. Cohen for real estate deals.
 ***   For example, keeping
someone quiet by offering them a house.

The company that makes Necco Wafers is going out of business.   ***   Ah yes, the candy
that made all us little Catholic kids expect that communion wafers would be fruit flavored.   

On this date in history:  April 17, 1521 – Martin Luther is excommunicated from the Roman
Catholic Church.  
 *** Not only is he barred from receiving the sacraments, but he is also banned
from bingo nights, fish fries and the annual church picnic.

On this date in history:  April 17, 1272 – Zita, an Italian maid, dies at age 59, and later
becomes a saint.
 ***  So, we’re pretty sure she never worked for the Schwarzenegger family.

On this date in history:  April 17, 1824 – Russia abandons all North American claims south
of 54º 40' N.  
 ***  However, they are now rumored to be reconsidering.


Monday, Apr 16

Arnold Schwarzenegger is reportedly recovering nicely from his recent emergency open
heart surgery.
 ***  In fact, he has already been asking for a television, reading material and maid
service.

Donald Trump has just granted a pardon to Scooter Libby.  ***  And his wife, Motorcycle
Mama.

On this date in history:  April 16, 1917 – Lenin returns to Russia to start the Bolshevik
Revolution.
 ***  He reportedly gave a short speech and then presided over a very nice ribbon
cutting.

On this date in history:  April 16, 1922 – Annie Oakley sets a record by breaking 100 clay
targets in a row.
  ***  She dropped the box.

On this date in history:  April 16, 1986 – To dispel rumors that he's dead, Moammar
Qadhafi appears on TV.
  ***  Yeah, every once in a while Larry King does the same thing.


Friday, Apr 13

Yesterday was National Grilled Cheese Day.  ***   In honor of the occasion, a congressional
committee grilled the big cheese at Facebook.

At the White House Easter festivities, Donald Trump Jr. mocked Hillary Clinton’s labeling
of Trump supporters by wearing a lapel pin that said “Deplorable.”
  ***  Apparently, you can’
t wear that pin until you earn it.

On this date in history:  Apr 13, 1741 – Dutch citizens stage a protest over the bad quality
of bread.
  ***   In hindsight, “tulip bread” was a bad idea from the start.

On this date in history:  Apr 13, 1860 – The first Pony Express run arrives in Sacramento.   
***  Unfortunately, it was supposed to go to San Francisco.

On this date in history:  Apr 13, 1959 – The Vatican forbids Roman Catholics from voting
for communists.
 ***   It was apparent the Church was getting too involved when authorities
started collecting ballots in wicker baskets with long handles.


Thursday, Apr 12

In Idaho Falls, Idaho, a flock of fifty geese fell from the sky after being struck by
lightning.
 ***  I guess everyone has a limit to how much of that squawking they can stand.

Airbus is designing a plane with sleeping berths in the cargo hold.   ***   To get onboard,
passengers will be thrown onto a conveyer belt.

On this date in history:  Apr 12, 1858 – The first U.S. billiards championship is held in
Detroit.
 ***  However, organizers regretted their choice of venue when the event was delayed after
someone stole all the balls.

On this date in history:  Apr 12, 1934 – The highest velocity wind ever recorded on Mount
Washington in New Hampshire hits 231 mph.
 ***  Previously, wind strength at the top of the
mountain was determined by throwing a small man into the air and seeing what state he landed in.

On this date in history:  Apr 12, 1954 – Joe Turner releases "Shake, Rattle & Roll."   ***  
And it’s still better than any exercise video.


Wednesday, Apr 11

According to Mark Zuckerberg’s prep notes for the senate Facebook hearing, if he got
attacked he was to answer, “Respectfully, I reject that; it’s not who we are.”
 ***  Then he
would hold up an emoji with a sad face and a tear.

Mr. Zuckerberg, who is 5’ 7”, sat on a 4-inch cushion during his 5-hour testimony.  ***  I
guess you have to do stuff like that when your Facebook profile says you’re 6’ 2”.

On this date in history:  April 11, 1984 – Challenger astronauts complete the first in-space
satellite repair.
 ***  The repair work was fairly quick, once they found the duct tape.   

On this date in history:  April 11, 1907 – New York Giant Roger Bresnahan becomes the
first catcher to wear shin guards.
 ***  It was to protect his legs from the batter’s chewing
tobacco.

On this date in history:  April 11, 1991 – NYC's “Museum of Broadcasting” becomes
"Museum of Television & Radio."
 ***  And soon it will be changed to “Museum of Live
Streaming & Downloads.”


Tuesday, Apr 10

EPA head Scott Pruitt has defended his security expenditures by saying he has received
threats of violence for rolling back numerous environmental protections, but the agency
has no evidence of any such threats.
 ***  Except for a few occasions when he was bitch-
slapped by Mother Nature.

The oldest person in the world, Violet Moss Brown, has died in Jamaica at the age of 117.
She reportedly enjoyed the Bible, avoided rum and ate cows’ feet.
 ***  Well, that would
explain all the short cows.

On this date in history:  Apr 10, 1825 – The first hotel in Hawaii opens its doors.  ***   
Travelocity gave it its highest rating: 5 Pineapples.

On this date in history:  Apr 10, 1841 – The “New York Tribune" begins publishing under
editor Horace Greeley.
 ***   Mr. Greely later inspired many men when he famously advised, “Go
West, young man,” thus leaving him alone in the East with all the women.

On this date in history:  Apr 10, 1942 – Cigarettes are rationed in Holland.   ***   For the
remainder of WWII, Dutch cigarettes smelled an awful lot like tulips.


Monday, Apr 9

An app created by Nike and the meditation website Headspace offers runners
encouragement on unlocking strength and peace from within.
 ***  After some unfortunate
incidents with earlier versions, the app was upgraded to also include the philosophy of looking both
ways before crossing the street.

Apple CEO Tim Cook says if he were “king for a day” he would eliminate Wall Street’s
focus on quarterly financial results.
 ***  But, he also said he wouldn’t want to be king for any
longer than a day because he couldn’t stand the pay cut.

On this date in history:  Apr 9, 1865 – Robert E. Lee surrenders to Ulysses S. Grant at
Appomattox.
 ***  Despite pleas from their agents, they both agreed there would be no re-match.

On this date in history:  Apr 9, 1878 – First Lady Lucy Hayes begins the egg rolling
tradition on the White House lawn.
 ***  Things like that can happen when you stagger home
drunk at night and wake up in the back yard.

On this date in history:  Apr 9, 1909 – The first group outbreak of the charismatic “gift of
tongues” takes place in Los Angeles.  
 ***  In later years, the sudden onset of incoherent
speech would become very common at meetings of the Bob Dylan Society.


Friday, Apr 6

Matt Lauer has finally vacated the Hamptons home he shared with his estranged wife
and children. He had been concerned about how it might look if he moved out.  
***   I
believe the answer is: “Better.”

This week a huge fire broke out on Scotland’s Isle of Rum.  ***  Firefighters, led by a Captain
Morgan, have been fighting the blaze with ice and several truckloads of Coke.

On this date in history:  Apr 6, 1516 – A. Willaert is installed as Cardinal Ippolito’s official
singer.
 ***   Wait. Oh, OK—I thought it said “swinger.”

On this date in history:  Apr 6, 1925 – A British Air flight features the first film shown on an
airplane.  
***  Actually, passengers in first class got the movie; the ones in coach just got the
popcorn.

On this date in history:  Apr 6, 1930 – The Hostess Twinkie is invented by James Dewar, a
bakery executive.
 ***  Yeah, I kinda figured he wasn’t a health expert.


Thursday, Apr 5

Effective today, Starbucks is bringing back Happy Hour, starting with 50% off espresso
from 3:00 PM to closing time.
  ***   In a related move, the company also announced that it has
entered into a business partnership with Ambien.  

As the new spokesperson for a legal advice website, Lindsay Lohan reached out to
President Trump to offer the services of her employer, Lawyer.com.  
 ***   The president
thanked her for the kind offer but said he was getting all the expert advice he needs from his
favorite source, Me.com.

On this date in history:  Apr 5, 1614 – Indian princess Pocahontas marries English
colonist John Rolfe.
 ***  They  had registered for gifts at Bed, Bath and Be-wigwam.

On this date in history:  Apr 5, 1806 – Isaac Quintard patents apple cider.   ***  He then
followed up with the invention of cinnamon donuts.

On this date in history:  Apr 5, 1939 – Membership in Hitler Youth becomes obligatory for
German children.
  ***   I believe it was also called the “1-H Club”


Wednesday, Apr 4

A woman in Phoenix was arrested after waking up her son for Easter church services
with a stun gun.
 ***  She later apologized to authorities and said the only reason she even has
the device is in case he falls asleep during the sermon.

The 1965 Fender Telecaster played by Bob Dylan will be auctioned off at the Hard Rock
Café in New York City next month.
 ***  In honor of Mr. Dylan, the auctioneer has promised to be
totally unintelligible.

On this date in history:  Apr 4, 1818 – Congress changes the U.S. flag to 13 red stripes
and 13 white stripes, with 20 stars.
 ***   The meaningful design reflected the fact that there
were 13 original states and Congress got 20 paid holidays.

On this date in history:  Apr 4, 1828 – In Amsterdam, Casparus van Wooden patents
chocolate milk powder.  
 ***  I believe he was also the Dutch guy who invented Wooden shoes.

On this date in history:  Apr 4, 1896 – Discovery of gold in the Yukon is announced.  ***  
“Nothin’ up here folks. Nope. Just a bunch of trees, bears and snow. Y’all stay home now.”


Tuesday, Apr 3

On Fox News, Kellyanne Conway strongly denied recent accusations that she is the
biggest leaker in the White House. She said the president “knows who the leakers and
the liars are.”  
 ***  In fact, most of them put it on their application form.

In Rome, authorities had to seal off part of the St. Peters Cathedral after chunks of
plaster fell down, endangering visitors.  
***   However, there were brisk sales of the new
Vatican T-shirt, “I got plastered at St. Peters.”  

On this date in history:  Apr 3, 1645 – The English parliament passes the “Self-Denying
Ordinance,” which said that members of parliament could not also be members of the
military.
 ***  The next day they passed the “Self-Affirming Ordinance,” where they all looked in a
mirror and said, “Because I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone—people like me!”    

On this date in history:  Apr 3, 1964 – The U.S. and Panama agree to resume diplomatic
relations.
 ***  But first, the U.S. had to apologize for making fun of Panama hats.

On this date in history:  Apr 3, 1985 – In London, Vic Elliot pockets 15,780 pool balls in 24
hours.
 ***   Must have been big pockets.


Monday, April 2

Forty life-size wax figures of Amish people are for sale in Lancaster, Pennsylvania.  ***  
They were rented out to Amish who wanted to drive their buggies in the carpool lane. (It actually
worked great, until the weather turned warm…)

Keith Villa, the man who created Blue Moon beer, is now developing a beer that’s made
with THC, the active compound in marijuana.
  ***    You just set the mug down in front of you
and inhale.

On this date in history:  Apr 2, 1827 – Joseph Dixon begins manufacturing lead pencils.   
***    They were initially a tough sell, as people thought, “Wow, must be heavy.”

On this date in history:  Apr 2, 1954 – Plans to build Disneyland are announced.  ***  Walt
Disney himself assured the public they could look forward to exciting rides, live cartoon characters
and mind-boggling increases in ticket prices.

On this date in history:  Apr 2, 1978 – "Dallas" premieres on CBS as a 5 week mini-series.  
***  They soon extended it, as it took four seasons just to introduce all the characters who wanted
to shoot JR.   


Friday, Mar 30

According to the L.A. Times, it now costs more to house a prisoner for one year than it
does to send someone to Harvard.  
 ***   Prison officials haven’t released details of their new
cost savings plan, but sources say that at future Harvard commencements a lot of caps and gowns
are going to be orange.

At a recent White House event, President Trump got a few laughs when he was asked
what advice     he’d give his 25 year old self and he replied, “Don’t run for president.”
 
***  It was really funny because he said it in Russian.

On this date in history:  Mar 30, 1858 – Hyman Lipman of Philadelphia patents a “pencil
with an attached eraser.”
  ***   However, competitors were able to get around his patent by
advertising “erasers with attached pencils.”

On this date in history:  Mar 30, 1865 – In Virginia, Union and Confederate soldiers fight
the “Battle of 5 Forks.”
 ***  I believe the results led to the now-famous adage: Don’t bring a fork
to a gunfight.

On this date in history:  Mar 30, 1932 – Amelia Earhart becomes the first woman to fly solo
cross the Atlantic.
  ***  The amazing thing is that she went that long without someone to chat with.


Thursday, Mar 29

Walmart has announced it will no longer display Cosmopolitan magazine at its checkout
lines.  
 ***   Too many women were getting depressed after grabbing a Cosmo and taking one of
the quizzes.

The company that makes Snuggies, the blanket with sleeves, has been charged by the
FTC with deceptive “buy one get one free” offers.
 ***  The company has denied any wrong-
doing and says it’s perfectly clear that “buy one get one free” just applies to the sleeves.

On this date in history:  Mar 29, 1798 – The Republic of Switzerland forms.  ***  It’s amazing
the country has survived—their only weapon is the Swiss army knife and yet they’ve managed to
fend off invaders with a lethal assortment of corkscrews, scissors and nail files.

On this date in history:  Mar 29, 1959 – "Some Like it Hot" with Marilyn Monroe and Jack
Lemmon premieres.
  ***   I believe it was a Republican documentary about climate change.

On this date in history:  Mar 29, 1986 – Beatle records officially go on sale in Russia.  ***  
Their first hit single there was “I Want to Hold your Borscht.”


Wednesday, Mar 28

The owner of a pet shelter in the U.K. says the reason people don’t want to adopt black
cats is that they don’t photograph well in selfies.
  ***  How sad to rule out a cat just because
of how it will look in selfies! The only place where that should even be a factor is Match.com.

A year and a half after splitting with Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt is reportedly spending more
time out in public and has begun casual dating.   
***   In Hollywood, “casual dating”” is when
you sleep with someone but don’t bother to ask them their name.

On this date in history:  Mar 28, 1774 – The British parliament tries to control
Massachusetts with several restrictive measures known as the “Coercive Act.”   ***  
Also
known as the “May-the-Force-be-with-You Act.”

On this date in history:  Mar 28, 1794 – The Louvre with its priceless artwork opens to the
public.   
***   Security guards were on the lookout for people who tried to bring in sharp objects,
suspicious packages or children with crayons.

On this date in history:  Mar 28, 1974 – The rock group “Raspberries” breaks up.  ***  Yes,
with a name like that it probably was hard to keep a straight face.


Tuesday, Mar 27

The company that makes Snuggies, those weird blankets with sleeves, has been
accused of deceptive TV offers which result in confused buyers paying much more than
expected.
  ***   So, it’s a double whammy for many elderly customers who end up looking foolish
when they order their Snuggies…and then again when they wear them.

Frank Avruch, who was the first nationally-syndicated Bozo the Clown, has just died at
the age of 89.  
***  The funeral is expected to feature the casket and six pallbearers pouring out of
a black Volkswagen.

On this date in history:  Mar 27, 1668 – English King Charles II gives Bombay to the East
India Company.  
***  Afterwards he said, “No, no, no—I just said to give them the KEYS to the city.”

On this date in history:  Mar 27, 1860 – M. L. Byrn patents the corkscrew.  ***  Apparently he
saw nothing wrong with handling sharp objects while drinking.   

On this date in history:  Mar 27, 1931 – Charlie Chaplin receives France's distinguished
Legion of Honor.
 ***   The recognition is typically given to the French military, entertainers and
anyone else who can make people laugh.


Monday, Mar 26

An elderly Florida man is claiming his spine was fractured while boarding a United
Airlines flight because flight attendants took away his wheelchair before he reached his
seat.
 ***  Actually, his back was OK until he started complaining and they tried to stuff him in the
overhead bin.

Organizers of England’s upscale Royal Ascot horse racing event have issued new attire
guidelines which specify that men must wear socks and women cannot have off-the-
shoulder dresses.     
 ***   So, I’m guessing they’re not big on the hot trend in formal wear--
tuxedos with sagging pants?

On this date in history:  Mar 26, 1845 – The first patent is awarded for “adhesive
medicated plaster,” which later became the “Band-Aid.”
 ***  The patent application said it
was “a convenient and effective treatment for all types of ouchies.”

On this date in history:  Mar 26, 1934 – Driving tests are introduced in Britain.  ***   
Apparently the British examiners didn’t deduct points for driving on the wrong side of the road.

On this date in history:  Mar 26, 1970 – Peter Yarrow (of Peter, Paul & Mary) pleads guilty
to "taking immoral liberties" with a 14 year old girl.
 ***  He also admitted that what he showed
her wasn’t really “Puff the Magic Dragon.”