High Impact Humor

Joke Archives
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Thursday, Aug 16

In Connecticut, two ladies working in a high school cafeteria have been accused of
stealing—over a period of several years—$ 500,000 in lunch money.   ***
 Wow—how many
kids did they have to beat up in the parking lot?

Experts say that sleeping in a cool room can lead to weight loss.  ***  So, there are a lot of
skinny Eskimos?  

On this date in history:  Aug 16, 1870 – In baseball, Fred Goldsmith demonstrates that the
“curve ball” is real, and not just an optical illusion.
  ***  Like “exciting baseball.”

On this date in history:  Aug 16, 1898 – The roller coaster is patented.  ***  Actually, the
patent was quite broad and covered any ride that makes you throw up.

On this date in history:  Aug 16, 1991 – President Bush declares the recession is near an
end.  
 ***   Unfortunately, it was the front end.


Wednesday, Aug 15

David Joyner, the man who played Barney the Dinosaur, now provides a sex service
known as “tantra massage.”   ***  
 The details of his personal technique have not been
revealed, although he did name his business “Fifty Shades of Purple.”

Vice President Mike Pence has given some updates on the proposed military “Space
Force.”   
***    And he said the weaponry plans will be finalized as soon as President Trump
finishes taking notes from all the re-runs of “Star Trek.”

On this date in history:  Aug 15, 1899 – Louisville's Henry Dowling strikes out 5 times in
one game.  
 ***  Previously, his worst record was striking out 4 times with the same woman.

On this date in history:  Aug 15, 1968 – Pirate station Radio Free London begins
transmitting.
 ***  I believe its call sign was A-R-R-R.

On this date in history:  Aug 15, 1971 – President Nixon announces a 90-day price freeze.  
***  He said that should give Pat enough time to finish her shopping.


Tuesday, Aug 14

According to the Wall Street Journal, President Trump gets a huge tax break in New
Jersey because one of his clubs maintains a herd of eight goats.  
 ***   That’s in addition to
the White House, where he has a large herd of scapegoats.

Actress Nia Vardalos, the star of “My Big Fat Greek Wedding,” has filed for divorce.  ***  
She now plans to make a movie about her own wedding and call it “My Big Fat Mistake.”  

On this date in history:  Aug 14, 1846 – Henry David Thoreau is jailed for tax resistance.   
***   The IRS said that regardless of his book, maintenance of Walden Pond did not qualify as a
business expense.

On this date in history:  Aug 14, 1880 – After 632 years of construction, the Cologne
Cathedral is finally completed.
 ***   It was taking so long even God said, “Hey, I don’t have
forever...”

On this date in history:  Aug 14, 1962 – A U.S. mail truck in Plymouth, Massachusetts is
robbed of $1.5 million.  ***
 It wasn’t easy—the thieves had to open 300,000 birthday cards sent
by grandmothers and take out all the $5 bills.


Monday, Aug 13

The U.S. has reportedly made several denuclearization proposals that have been
rejected by the North Koreans, who said they were “gangster-like.”
 ***   The U.S.
delegation denied the characterization and explained that “gangster-like” will be when Kim Jong Un
wakes up and finds a horse’s head at the foot of his bed.

In Chillicothe, Ohio, a woman gave birth to a baby boy in a Burger King bathroom while
she was overdosing on heroin.
 ***   But the saddest part of the story was that she named the
kid “Whopper.”

On this date in history:  Aug 13, 1917 – Phillies steal five bases in one inning against the
Braves.
 ***   The opposing pitcher was apparently not very good at multi-tasking.

On this date in history:  Aug 13, 1953 – President Eisenhower establishes the
Government Contract Compliance Committee.   ***
  It was comprised of two sub-
committees…one that made sure the “i’s” were dotted and one that made sure the “t’s” were
crossed.

On this date in history:  Aug 13, 1961 – Construction of the Berlin Wall begins in East
Germany.  
 ***   Actually, construction had been delayed for several months while they tried to get
Mexico to pay for it.


Friday, Aug 10

On “Fox & Friends,” Jillian Mele said, “Kim Jong Un is quite the romantic.”  ***  Yes,
nothing says “ambiance” like wine, cheese and candlelight while watching a late night execution.

Now engaged to Haily Baldwin, Justin Bieber was seen carrying the book “The Meaning
of Marriage.”
 ***  Actually, it’s the second in a series. The first one was “The Spelling of
Marriage.”

On this date in history:  Aug 10, 1792 – Mobs in Paris attack the palace of Louis XVI.  ***  
Fortunately for Louis, he had gone to his Zumba class and was not home at the time.

On this date in history:  Aug 10, 1846 – The Smithsonian Institution, sometimes referred
to as “the nation's attic," is established by Congress. ***
  Sometimes referred to as “the
nation’s swamp.”

On this date in history:  Aug 10, 1866 – The transatlantic cable is laid and former
President Buchanan uses it to communicate with Queen Victoria.
 ***  In those days, “having
cable” was a really big deal.


Thursday, Aug 9

The Reader’s Digest website has an article on “How to Unlock Your Car Door without a
Key in 30 Seconds.”
 ***  Park it in downtown Detroit and walk away.  

Thai citizenship has been granted to three of the boys who were trapped in a cave for
two weeks and then extricated by a harrowing rescue through two miles of flooded
tunnels.
 ***   The U.S. Congress was impressed and is now considering a similar citizenship
process for DACA.

On this date in history:  Aug 9, 1673 – Dutch troops recapture New York from the English.  
***   That would be a lot more difficult today—to get into the City they’d have to flag down at least a
thousand taxis.

On this date in history:  Aug 9, 1803 – The first horses arrive in Hawaii.  ***   Really?  They
couldn’t just take their vacations in a pasture back home?

On this date in history:  Aug 9, 1974 – Richard Nixon resigns the presidency. ***  As I recall,
he was replaced by Chevy Chase.


Wednesday, Aug 8

After initially telling her it would be OK, American Airlines refused to board a woman with
a cello, even though she bought an extra seat, because the instrument was too large.
 
***   An airline spokesman is now claiming, “No, no, no--We told her there’s always room for Jello.”

When Keith Urban found himself without cash for a cup of coffee and asked for help, an
elderly woman stepped in and gave him the money.
  ***   You know, it’s nice when celebrities
realize you’re never too rich or too famous to con a senior out of a few hard-earned dollars.

On this date in history:  Aug 8, 1709 – The first ascent in a hot air balloon is made by
Bartolomeu de Gusmao.
  ***   It was the first “Eye in the Sky,” but he had to shout his report on
the horse-and-buggy rush hour traffic.

On this date in history:  Aug 8, 1918 – After 6 U.S. soldiers are surrounded in France,
Alvin York shoots 20 Germans and captures 132 more.
 ***  After the war, the German
government gave each of those 132 soldiers the coveted “Stupid Dummkopf Award.”

On this date in history:  Aug 8, 1974 – President Richard Nixon announces he'll resign his
office the following day.  ***
 Unless the Fox & Friends morning show says he shouldn’t.


Tuesday, Aug 7

The Hood company has recalled its Vanilla Almond Breeze almond milk because it may
actually contain some dairy milk.
 ***  How could they possibly get dairy and almond milks
confused? Everyone knows that milk-giving cows are the ones without the nuts.  

The president of Venezuela claims that the recent assassination attempt on him involved
people in Florida.
 ***  He said the conspirators were seen meeting at a restaurant every day at 4:
00 to plan the operation, which was code named “Early Bird Special.”

On this date in history:  Aug 7, 1782 – George Washington creates the Order of the
Purple Heart.
  ***  Fortunately, he dropped plans to establish other honors based on colored
organs.

On this date in history:  Aug 7, 1789 – The U.S. War Department is established.   ***  And it
did a great job of creating and maintaining wars for many, many years.

On this date in history:  Aug 7, 1970 – The first computer chess tournament is held.  ***   It
was the computer nerds vs. the chess nerds.


Monday, Aug 6

While attempting the “Keke Challenge,” which involves jumping out of a moving car
while dancing to a hip-hop song, an 18 year old Iowa girl fell and suffered a fractured
skull.
 ***  Yes, doctors say skulls are always more likely to fracture when there’s nothing inside.

Internet trolls are making fun of recent photos of Donald Trump Jr. and girlfriend
Kimberly Guilfoyle because they have been so heavily airbrushed.
 ***   However, Don Jr.
was so impressed he asked the artist if he could do the same thing to meeting calendars.

On this date in history:  Aug 6, 1890 – The first use of the electric chair in the U.S. takes
place in New York.  
 ***   Giving a whole new meaning to the phrase, “Please, have a seat.”

On this date in history:  Aug 6, 1961 – Russian cosmonaut Gherman Titov becomes the
first person to report motion sickness in space.
 ***  Unfortunately, he had to  spend the rest
of the flight trying to clean his helmet.

On this date in history:  Aug 6, 1989 – The Pilots Union tells members it’s okay to cross
Eastern picket lines.  
 ***  At 30,000 feet.


Friday, Aug 3

McDonald’s is now celebrating the 50th anniversary of the Big Mac, and after all those
years Big Macs are still going strong.  ***
  Which is probably more than you can say for the
people who have been eating them.

Charlie Sheen has filed documents asking the courts to revise his child support
payments, claiming that he “has been unable to find steady work and is suffering from a
dire financial crisis.”  ***  
 In fact, things are so bad that although he still parties in four-star hotel
rooms, he can no longer afford to trash them.

On this date in history:  Aug 3, 1860 – The American Canoe Association is founded at New
York’s Lake George.   ***
 Actually, I think the Indians beat them by a few hundred years.

On this date in history:  Aug 3, 1882 – Congress passes the first law restricting
immigration.
  ***  I believe that led to the observation by Congressman Roy Scheider, “We’re
going to need a bigger wall.”

On this date in history:  Aug 3, 1990 – Because of the Iraqi invasion, Radio Kuwait goes
off the air.  
  ***  They couldn’t find a single volunteer to go up in the traffic ‘copter.


Thursday, Aug 2

According to a nationwide survey by Cigna, 50% of Americans feel lonely.  ***   The other
50% had been lonely, but felt a lot better after that nice phone call from Cigna.

Police in Greenville, South Carolina were called to a Costco store after two men in their
70’s got into a fight over free samples.
  ***   Actually, they were fighting over the 80 year old
cutie who was handing them out.

On this date in history:  Aug 2, 1858 – The first street mailboxes are installed in Boston.   
***  Apparently people could pull open the lid, drop in their outgoing mail, and then push a little
button that said “Send.”

On this date in history:  Aug 2, 1943 – John F. Kennedy’s PT-109 is rammed and sunk.   ***   
According to certain conspiracy theories, that was Russia’s first attempt to influence a future U.S.
presidential election.

On this date in history:  Aug 2, 1989 – NASA confirmed Voyager 2's discovery of three
more moons of Neptune, temporarily designated 1989 N2, 1989 N3 and 1989 N24
.  ***  Later
they were given their permanent names: Curly, Larry and Moe.


Wednesday, Aug 1

Facebook announced that it has taken down dozens of fake accounts that were created
by foreign organizations as part of a program to mislead voters in the 2018 elections.  ***
 
A Facebook spokesman said U.S. organizations are perfectly capable of misleading voters without
any foreign assistance.

When his contract talks with the Pittsburgh Steelers had stalled, Le’Veon Bell was
spotted at a Miami strip club.  ***
 When negotiations resumed, Steelers officials attempted to
show good faith by stuffing $5 bills into Mr. Bell’s jock strap.

On this date in history:  Aug 1, 1873 – San Francisco’s first cable car begins service.   ***    
That was good, because the previous transit concept, the “coaster car,” was cluttering up the
bottom of the hills.  

On this date in history:  Aug 1, 1936 – Adolph Hitler opens the Olympic Games in Berlin.  
***  
 Everyone now agrees that the German runners would have won more medals if they hadn’t
been required to goose step.

On this date in history:  Aug 1, 1976 – Liz Taylor finalizes her 6th divorce when she
divorces Richard Burton for the second time.  ***
  For her future marriages, she always made
sure to itemize the irreconcilable differences in advance.


.Tuesday, Jul 31

Yesterday was National Whistleblower Day.    ***    President Trump apparently misunderstood
the concept and honored Whistleblower Day by sending out several tweets.

In drug-related violence in the Philippines, two city mayors were recently shot.   ***   
Meanwhile, for most mayors here in the U.S., the biggest risk is losing a finger during a ribbon
cutting ceremony.

On this date in history:  Jul 31, 1777 – Marquis de Lafayette is made major-general of the
Continental Army at the age of 19.  
 ***  He was way too young and totally unqualified, but
everyone thought he had a really cool name.

On this date in history:  Jul 31, 1809 – The first practical railroad (a wooden track, with
cars pulled by horses), is built in Philadelphia.
 ***   The horses all had to grunt “chug, chug,
chug…”, but they always fought over which one got to be the whistle.

On this date in history:  Jul 31, 1964 – Ranger 7 takes 4,316 pictures before crashing into
the surface of the Moon.
 ***  Too bad about the inevitable ending, but photo #4,316 was an
amazing close-up of a rock.


Monday, Jul 30

Financial giant UBS says the next market to be dominated by Amazon will be “online
fashion.”  
 ***    I didn’t realize online fashion was such a big business. When I surf the internet I’m
usually just in my jammies.   

Several family therapists were recently asked how Meghan Markle should deal with her
dysfunctional father, sister and brother now that she is married to Prince Harry.
 ***  The
professionals agreed that Ms. Markle should limit her interface with difficult family members, set
some “ground rules” for communication, and then lock them all up in the Tower of London and
throw away the key.

On this date in history:  Jul 30, 1956 – The U.S. motto "In God We Trust" is authorized.   
***   Apparently for the 200 years prior to that people just weren’t sure.  

On this date in history:  Jul 30, 1969 – Barbra Streisand opens for Liberace at the
International Hotel in Las Vegas.  ***
 Her job was to warm up the audience and then light the
candelabra.

On this date in history:  Jul 30, 1988 – Bicyclist Ronald J. Dossenbach begins his world
record ride, pedaling across Canada from Vancouver to Halifax.
  ***   He must have been
one of them there pedalphiles


Friday, Jul 27

The American Civil Liberties Union tested Amazon’s facial recognition software on 535
members of congress and said it erroneously matched 28 of them with random mug
shots of felons.  
***  However, the ACLU admitted the software did correctly match over 100
congressmen with their own mug shots.

A company in Missouri is marketing “Redneck Sandals,” which have a lower portion like
a typical sandal, but an upper portion like a cowboy boot.  
 ***    Of course, they’re not
practical for horseback riding because it’s hard to get on a horse that’s doubled over with laughter.

On this date in history:  Jul 27, 1689 – Jacobite Scottish Highlanders defeat the Royal
forces at Killiecrankie.  
***  So, Kilts 1, Pants 0.

On this date in history:  Jul 27, 1866 –  The 1,686 mile long Atlantic telegraph cable is
successfully laid for communications between the U.S. and Europe
.  ***  Messages could be
sent by tugging on either end.

On this date in history:  Jul 27, 1977 – John Lennon is granted a green card for
permanent residence in the U.S.   
 ***  It seemed like a good idea at the time.


Thursday, Jul 26

Stormy Daniels’ husband, fellow porn star Glendon Crain, has filed for divorce and asked
the judge to issue a restraining order.
  ***   That’s so sad. I’m sure they both remember
happier times when they’d grab some handcuffs and restrain each other voluntarily.

Chick-fil-A announced that a little girl born in one their restrooms will not only get free
food for life, but will also be given a job.
 ***   Her first job will be to clean up the restroom.

On this date in history:  Jul 26, 1775 – Benjamin Franklin becomes the first Postmaster
General. ***
 Unfortunately, that title did not satisfy his father’s wish that Ben pursue a career in
the military.

On this date in history:  Jul 26, 1908 – Attorney General Charles J. Bonaparte issues a
written order that establishes the FBI and calls for a force of “special agents.”   ***
  The
directive also said they would carry special guns, drive special cars and work in special offices.   

On this date in history:  Jul 26, 1990 – “General Hospital” tapes its 7,000th episode.  ***  
And all 7,000 episodes featured the same patient, who had a chronic illness and really good health
insurance.


Wednesday, Jul 25

Lamborghini has recalled its Aventador SV models after reports that under certain
conditions the wheels could come off.  ***
 For example, if you parked it overnight in Detroit.

Now that Justin Bieber is engaged to Hailey Baldwin, a friend says that Mr. Bieber “has
never felt more sure about a woman.”
 ***  Well, except for the woman lawyer who’s going to
write the pre-nup.

On this date in history:  Jul 25, 1871 – Wilhelm Schneider of Davenport, Iowa receives a
patent for the carrousel.  ***
  However, he later realized it was a mistake to use live horses.  

On this date in history:  Jul 25, 1909 – France's Louis Bleriot makes the first airplane
flight across the English Channel.
  ***   His government gave him a medal of honor for the
accomplishment, then berated him for not calling it the “French Channel.”  

On this date in history:  Jul 25, 1983 – The first nonhuman primate, a baboon, is
conceived in a lab dish.  
 ***   Of course, to hold his mommy and daddy it had to be a really big
lab dish.


Tuesday, Jul 24

A woman who had been sunbathing on a Maryland beach is recovering after being
impaled by a wind-blown beach umbrella.
 ***  Boy, talk about “throwing shade” at someone…

A letter written in the 17th century by a nun possessed by the devil has finally been
deciphered at the Ludum Science Center in Sicily.
 ***   According to the Italian scholars
there, the document extols the powers of the devil and concludes with the cryptic message, “Make
America Great Again!”

On this date in history:  July 24, 1847 – Brigham Young and his Mormon followers arrive
at Salt Lake City.  
 ***   It was a difficult journey; every man had six wives constantly telling him to
stop and ask for directions.

On this date in history:  July 24, 1866 – Tennessee becomes the first Confederate state
readmitted to the Union.  ***
 Preference was reportedly given to states that produced bourbon.

On this date in history:  July 24, 1925 – Tennessee high school instructor John Scopes is
found guilty and fined $100 for teaching evolution.
  ***   And a Mr. Cliff was fined $25 for
publishing a short summary.


Monday, Jul 23

In Austin, Texas, a fire broke out at a food factory because of spontaneous combustion
of recently baked tortilla chips.
 ***   Firefighters were finally able to control the blaze after
calling in a pumper truck filled with salsa.

Chick-fil-A announced that a little girl born in their San Antonia restaurant will get free
food for life.
 ***   That’s nice, but that kid will always regret that mom and dad didn’t pull into
Morton’s Steak House.

On this date in history:  Jul 23, 1599 – Caravaggio receives his first public commission for
a painting.  
  ***   I wouldn’t say he was young at the time, but the artwork was a finger painting,
payment was a stack of comic books, and he did the whole thing during recess.

On this date in history:  Jul 23, 1904 – The ice cream cone is invented by Charles
Menches during the Louisianna Purchase Expo.
 ***  Unfortunately, it would be a couple more
years before someone would invent ice cream.

On this date in history:  Jul 23, 1931 – France announces it cannot afford to send a team
to the 1932 Los Angeles Olympics.
  ***  They could fund the travel, food and lodging, but not
the must-have Dior travel outfits, Vuarnet sunglasses and Louis Vuitton luggage.  


Friday, Jul 20

The FDA has announced that some dog foods have ingredients that can lead to canine
heart attacks, and they recommend owners either stop buying those brands…
  ***  …or
start practicing CPR on their dog.

DiDi, the Chinese ride hailing company, is successfully competing with Uber for global
business.
  ***  Customers appreciate their fast service, but don’t like opening a fortune cookie to
find out the fare.

On this date in history:  Jul 20, 1858 – For the first time a fee is charged to see a baseball
game (New York vs. Brooklyn).
  ***  And they didn’t even give away free bobblehead dolls.

On this date in history:  Jul 20, 1878 – The first telephone is introduced in Hawaii.   ***  Of
course, it was pretty useless until they introduced the second telephone.

On this date in history:  Jul 20, 1960 – The first Polaris missile is launched from a
submerged submarine.
 ***  Unfortunately, since the crew was underwater, they had absolutely
no idea where it went.


Thursday, Jul 19

Former “Today” host Matt Lauer is reportedly furious that he has to pay his ex-wife $50
million in their divorce settlement, but he’s optimistic about getting back into television.
 
***   If he can just borrow cab fare to get to the interview.

Crocs has added a new line of shoes, the “Cypress Heel,” which takes the traditional
Crocs design and adds a high heel.
  ***   It’s reminiscent of the ill-fated attempt to put high
heels on flip-flops, which resulted in an epidemic of twisted ankles up and down every aisle at
Walmart.   

On this date in history:  Jul 19, 1848 – The first women's rights convention is held in
Seneca Falls, New York.
 ***  Attendees were kicked out if they had asked their husbands for
permission.

On this date in history:  Jul 19, 1984 – Lynn Rippelmeyer becomes the first female to
captain a 747 across the Atlantic.
 ***  The results were mixed; she flew the plane just fine, but
couldn’t quite master that sleepy, bored tone over the P.A. system.

On this date in history:  Jul 19, 1990 – Cincinnati Reds player Pete Rose is found guilty of
tax evasion and sentence to 5 months in prison.  
***   He later admitted he couldn’t stand the
routine, the boredom, the long periods of inactivity…oh wait, that was the baseball games.


Wednesday, Jul 18

According to the Times of London, Prince Charles and Prince William could have joined
the Queen in meeting President Trump but claimed that they had “other engagements.”
  
***   Charles said it conflicted with his Zumba class and William said he had to mow the lawn.   

Archaeologists in Jordan recently discovered the burnt remains of bread that had been
baked more than 14,000 years ago.
 ***  After further study, however, they determined that it’s
actually a 14,000 year old fruitcake that is still being re-gifted.

On this date in history:  Jul 18, 1940 – The first successful helicopter flight takes place in
Stratford, Connecticut.   ***
  Previously, the only successful hovering had been done by overly
protective mothers.

On this date in history:  Jul 18, 1966 – Carl Sagan turns 1 billion seconds old.   ***   
Unfortunately, the celebration could only last one second.

On this date in history:  Jul 18, 1986 – Videotapes showing Titanic's sunken remains are
released.
 ***  Highlights included a damaged hull, collapsed smokestacks, and a really good
buffet that went to waste.


Tuesday, Jul 17

Last week Stormy Daniels was arrested during a strip club routine and taken away in
handcuffs.  
***  The famous porn star objected vehemently and tried to explain to the arresting
officers that handcuffs usually have a fur lining and they always go on the guy.

In preparation for his trial, Paul Manafort has been moved to new jail where there are
more restrictions and he can no longer wear civilian clothing.
  ***   He still wants to look
dapper, but is having trouble picking out a tie that goes with orange.

On this date in history:  Jul 17, 1867 – The first permanent university dental school in the
U.S. is established at Harvard.  
 ***   So, a degree from Harvard meant you probably had a
brilliant mind, a great education and good teeth.

On this date in history:  Jul 17, 1955 – Arco, Idaho becomes the first U.S. city lit by nuclear
power.
 ***  It was a nice, soft glow from the reactor.

On this date in history:  Jul 17, 1988 – San Francisco has a record high temperature of
103 degrees.
  ***   So, if you left your heart in San Francisco, it probably got fried.


Monday, Jul 16

The Emmy nominations have been released and “Roseanne” has been nominated for
“Best Editing.”
 ***  That was a surprise—normally that award isn’t given for cutting out the lead
character.

Thomas Markle says that his daughter, Meghan, is having trouble adjusting and is
“terrified” at being part of the royal family.
  ***   Meanwhile, Harry is reportedly terrified at
being related to the Markles.

On this date in history:  Jul 16, 1439 – Kissing is banned in England.   ***   Authorities were
concerned that rotten teeth could be contagious.  

On this date in history:  Jul 16, 1790 – Congress establishes the “District of Columbia.”  
***  However, most people still refer to it by its more common name, “The Swamp.”

On this date in history:  Jul 16, 1926 – National Geographic takes the first natural color
undersea photos.
  ***   They were impressive, but most readers still preferred the shots of naked
jungle women.