High Impact Humor

Joke Archives
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Thursday, May 24

A new museum in Paris, the Palais de Tokyo, held a special event just for nudists. ***  
Attendees were advised to be extra careful going through the turnstiles.

Although it is historically a neutral country, Sweden just announced it is resuming
compulsory military service because of inadequate numbers of volunteers.
 ***  They don’t
expect any wars, but just need enough soldiers to put on a decent parade.

On this date in history:  May 24, 1844 – In the world’s first telegraph message, Samual
Morse taps out "What hath God wrought?"
 ***  Unfortunately, he never got an answer.

On this date in history:  May 24, 1931 – The first air-conditioned train is put into operation
on the B&O Railroad.  ***
 Monopoly immediately added a 10% premium for landing on the B&O.

On this date in history:  May 24, 1959 – In Pleasant Hills, Pennsylvania, the first house
with a built-in bomb shelter is exhibited.
 ***   “Why, no dear, it only looks like a man cave.”


Wednesday, May 23

Walmart is now trying to attract wealthy online shoppers by offering upscale fashions on
a new website.
 ***  NoFlipFlops.com

After all the contestants competed in several categories, the title of Miss USA went to
Miss Nebraska.
 ***  However, several contestants cried foul and said that husking corn does not
qualify as a talent.

On this date in history:  May 23, 1430 – Joan of Arc is captured by Burgundians at
Compiegne, who offer her for sale to the British.
 ***  And the British said, “You’ve got to be
kindling.”

On this date in history:  May 23, 1982 – Colin Wilson rides a surfboard 294 miles.   ***   It
was strapped to the top of his buddy’s VW.

On this date in history:  May 23, 1988 – Maryland passes legislation to stop the sale of
cheap pistols.
  ***  The new law required all gun dealers to raise prices.


Tuesday, May 22

According to a study in the “British Medical Journal,” exercise does not prevent
dementia.
 ***   As evidence, nine out of ten people seem to have forgotten how to turn on their
treadmill.

In gratitude for the move of the U.S. embassy to Jerusalem, a well-known Israeli soccer
club is re-naming itself after President Trump.
 ***  They also plan to give the other teams
demeaning nicknames, label the league standings as fake news and defend their goal by building a
wall.

On this date in history:  May 22, 1926 – "Five Foot Two, Eyes of Blue" by Gene Austin hits
#1.  
***  Yes, back in those days Match.com profiles were a lot more basic.

On this date in history:  May 22, 1961 – "Mother-In-Law" by Ernie K-Doe hits #1.   ***   Just
about the time the divorce was finalized.

On this date in history:  May 22, 1967 – "Mister Rogers' Neighborhood" debuts on NET
(now PBS).  
 ***  Years later, as the show’s audience grew older, the network considered a spinoff
in which the Kardashians move in next door.


Monday, May 21

The royal wedding was quite spectacular, but several members of Meghan Markle’s
family were not able to attend.
 ***  Unfortunately, it was the same day as the taping of the Jerry
Springer Show.

After Melania’s release from the hospital, President Trump tweeted, “Great to have our
incredible First Lady back home in the White House,” but then he reportedly misspelled
her name.
 ***  I believe he spelled it I-v-a-n-k-a.

On this date in history:  May 21, 1881 – The American Red Cross is founded by Clara
Barton.
  ***   Of course, once she came up with the name, the symbol was pretty much a no-
brainer.

On this date in history:  May 21, 1917 – Leo Pinckney becomes the first American drafted
in WWI.
  ***   He immediately went to the tattoo shop and asked for a refund on his “Lucky Leo”
tat.  

On this date in history:  May 21, 1990 – In the final episode of "Newhart," Bob wakes up
and realizes that all those happenings in a Vermont inn were a dream.
  ***   However, he
never did figure out why his dream had commercials every ten minutes.


Friday, May 18

This morning a man was shot and arrested at the Trump National Doral Golf Club in Miami
after he opened fire in the lobby while shouting criticisms of Mr. Trump.
 ***   I believe he
was yelling, “I don’t care if he is the president, he’s gotta replace his &%#@$ divots!”  

Meghan Markle’s strange father, who faked a paparazzi photo and then had a heart
attack, has undergone surgery and the doctors say he is “alert and coherent.”  
***  Ms.
Markle is saying it’s a miracle, because the old man hasn’t been alert or coherent for at least the
last ten years.

On this date in history:  May 18, 1619 – A Dutch statesman known as Hugo the Great is
sentenced to life in prison.  
 ***   Because of the seriousness of his offenses, prosecutors had
actually recommended the ultimate punishment—changing his name to Hugo the Ordinary.

On this date in history:  May 18, 1804 – Napoleon Bonaparte is proclaimed Emperor of
France.
 ***  They had tried to hold elections but the Russians kept meddling.

On this date in history:  May 18, 1934 – The Academy Awards statuette is called “Oscar” in
print for the first time.
 ***  Everyone agreed that that sounded a lot better than “the naked gold
guy.”


Thursday, May 17

A woman in Arizona has been accused of stalking after sending a man 65,000 texts.  ***   
Neighbors describe her as a friendly woman with black hair, brown eyes and really well-developed
thumbs.

It has just been announced that the new “voice of ABC News” will be actor John
Goodman.
  ***   He’ll be working closely with ABC’s new White House correspondent, Roseanne
Barr.

On this date in history:  May 17, 1846 – Antoine Joseph Sax patents the saxophone.   ***  
At first, everyone was confused because they didn’t know which end they were supposed to talk
into..

On this date in history:  May 17, 1938 – The radio quiz show "Information Please!" debuts
on NBC Blue Network.  ***
 The first winner was a woman named Siri.

On this date in history:  May 17, 1975 – Mick Jagger punches a restaurant window and
gets 20 stitches.
 ***   But no satisfaction.


Wednesday, May 16

Prince William is obligated to hand out a soccer trophy on the same day that brother
Harry is getting married, so he plans to attend the wedding, then take a helicopter to the
soccer stadium and still make it back in time for the reception.
  ***  He says there’s no way
he’d miss that reception after spending two weeks practicing the royal Chicken Dance.

A recent article in Reader’s Digest lists 10 signs that your dog may be depressed.  ***  
Sign #1: Its fur is all matted down with tread marks from an 18-wheeler.

On this date in history:  May 16, 1527 – Florence becomes a republic.  ***   Wow, she must
have put on a lot of weight.

On this date in history:  May 16, 1770 – In France, Marie Antoinette, age 14, marries future
king Louis XVI, age 15.  
 ***  You know a couple is young when their wedding reception is held on
the playground.

On this date in history:  May 16, 1965 – Spaghetti-O's go on the market.  ***  And every
Italian chef from the past 2,000 years rolled over in their grave.


Tuesday, May 15

According to a report in New York Magazine, on most nights President Trump speaks on
the phone with Fox’s Sean Hannity before he goes to sleep.  
***  And Mr. Hannity always
assures the president that there are no monsters hiding under his bed…because they’re all busy
writing for their newspapers.

Fox News contributor Tomi Lahren defended Chief of Staff John Kelly’s controversial
comments by saying, “Low-skilled immigrants are not what this country is based on.”
 ***  
That’s right; whenever this country has needed low-skilled workers, our educational system has
provided them.

On this date in history:  May 15, 1718 – James Puckle, a London lawyer, patents the
world's first machine gun.   ***  
  I believe the U.S. distributor was a guy named Kelly.

On this date in history:  May 15, 1916 – Austrian troops attack the Italian front and
conquer the town of Asiago.   ***
  It’s amazing what some guys will do to get their favorite
bagels.

On this date in history:  May 15, 1963 – Peter, Paul & Mary win their first Grammy for “If I
Had a Hammer.”  
***  Ironically, that was just after they had recorded a new version of the song: “If
I had a Grammy.”


Monday, May 14

Kris (Kardashian) Jenner is reportedly working with Bumble Bizz to find a new personal
assistant to help her with scheduling, organization,
 ***  and keeping track of all her
daughters’ boyfriends.

A 26 year old man in China is trying to revive the region’s crossbow culture by promoting
it for everything from hunting to Olympic target shooting.
***  However, he did give up
touting it as a great concealed weapon.

On this date in history:  May 14, 1878 – Vaseline petroleum jelly goes on sale.   ***   
Unfortunately, most stores put it in the food aisle with the peanut butter.

On this date in history:  May 14, 1908 – The first passenger flies in an airplane.  ***  But
when getting onboard he still had to wait until his zone was called.

On this date in history:  May 14, 1927 – "Ain't She Sweet?" by Ben Bernie hits #1 on the
pop singles chart.
  ***   That was big news, because prior to that, the country & western chart
was the only place you’d see songs with the word “ain’t.”


Friday, May 11

According to Blue Cross Blue Shield, depression among teenagers and young adults is
skyrocketing, and experts say one reason is the replacement of human interaction with
excessive time spent online.
  ***   Mark Zuckerberg recently acknowledged this disturbing
trend and promised that Facebook will immediately reach out to suffering users with an entirely new
series of distraught, hopeless and heartbroken emojis.  

To protest a professor’s criticism of her clothing, a Cornell student presented her thesis
wearing only a bra and panties.
 ***  Her presentation may have involved PowerPoint, but no
one can remember.

On this date in history:  May 11, 1678 – French Admiral Jean d'Estrées' fleet runs aground
on Aves-islands, Curaçao.
  ***  Unfortunately, he had bought his navigation supplies in England
and reportedly said, “As God is my witness, I thought these &*#^$@ depth charts were in meters.”

On this date in history:  May 11, 1959 – "Kookie, Kookie, Lend Me Your Comb," sung by
Edd “Kookie” Byrnes and Connie Stevens, hits #4 on the charts.
  *** I believe it was later
performed by Mr. Byrnes’ new group, “Eddie & the Lice.”

On this date in history:  May 11, 1985 – Madonna's "Crazy for You" single goes to #1.  ***  It
did much better than her original version, “Crazy for No Reason Whatsoever.”


Thursday, May 10

Charles Lazarus, the founder of Toys R Us, has died at the age of 94.  ***  Just before
passing, Mr. Lazarus put on a T-shirt that said, “He who dies with the most toys wins” and declared
victory.  

Queen Elizabeth is hiring a new royal chef.  ***   She’s looking for someone who is
experienced, creative and specializes in cooking with fiber.

On this date in history:  May 10, 1869 – The Transcontinental Railroad is completed when
the “Golden Spike” is driven at Promontory Point, Utah.
 ***   Hmmm…“Transcontinental,” ”
Golden Spike” and “Promontory Point.”  Before the marketing department got involved it was “cross-
country,” “big nail” and “middle of nowhere.”

On this date in history:  May 10, 1960 – The nuclear submarine U.S.S. Triton completes the
first circumnavigation of the globe underwater.
  ***   That’s the problem with submarines—
you go all the way around the world but can’t buy a single souvenir.

On this date in history:  May 10, 1993 – At a New York City auction, a Paul Cézanne still life
sells for $28,600,000.  
 ***  “Still life” also refers to the bidders whose hearts stopped beating.


Wednesday, May 9

The Mormon Church has announced that it is severing all ties with the Boy Scouts
because it disagrees several new policies, such as the admission of gay scout leaders.
 
***  Also, the church never forgave the Scouts for dropping the polygamy merit badge.

At the Met Gala, Mitt Romney’s wife got upset when he told others that he had bought
his tux at a deeply discounted price on Amazon.
 ***  Also, she didn’t think it was very nice to
tweak President Trump by having it delivered directly to the Met in a mail truck.

On this date in history:  May 9, 1460 – The Episcopal palace Atrecht has witch burnings.   
***    Fortunately, most churches decided it was better to just light candles.

On this date in history:  May 9, 1671 – Colonel Thomas Blood attempts to steal the Crown
Jewels.  
***  Unfortunately, he didn’t understand the difference between “Crown Jewels” and
“Family Jewels.”

On this date in history:  May 9, 1932 – In England, Piccadilly Circus is first lit by
electricity.
  ***   So, before that, all the clowns carried flashlights?   


Tuesday, May 8

In Alabama, a 13 year old accident victim suddenly awoke from a two-month coma right
after his parents signed documents allowing his organs to be donated.
 ***   Now, parents
everywhere are rejoicing because someone finally found a way to get a teenager’s attention.

JetBlue is now offering round-trip flights for $78.  ***  But to keep costs down the plane will
just circle the destination airport and then return.

On this date in history:  May 8, 1741 – France and Bavaria sign the Covenant of
Nymphenburg.
 ***  Of course, it wasn’t easy negotiating with all those nymphs around.  

On this date in history:  May 8, 1926 –  Philip Randolph organizes the Brotherhood of
Sleeping Car Porters.
 ***  It was a bit difficult, since they were all sleeping.

On this date in history:  May 8, 1980 – The World Health Organization announces that
smallpox has been eradicated.
 ***  However, mediumpox and largepox are still a threat.


Monday, May 7

Pediatrician Eboni Hollier has identified several signs that your child may be a genius.  
***   
However, she points out that if people often tell your kid, “Way to go, genius,” they’re probably
not.

Budweiser brewer Anheuser-Busch has ordered 800 hydrogen-fueled delivery trucks
from Nikola Motor Company.
 ***  A company spokesman said it was finally time to give the
Clydesdales a break.

On this date in history:  May 7, 1765 – Admiral Nelson's ship HMS Victory runs aground.  
***  The crew then abandoned ship and took everything with them, and that’s how we got the
phrase “hollow victory.”

On this date in history:  May 7, 1888 – George Eastman patents the Kodak box camera.  
***  It came with instructions, extra film and a really big selfie stick.

On this date in history:  May 7, 1966 – The Mamas & Papas’ "Monday Monday" hits #1 on
the charts.
 ***  However, it was not nearly as successful as their next song, “Tuesday, Tuesday.”


Friday, May 4

The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences has expelled Bill Cosby, along with
Harvey Weinstein and Roman Polanski, so those three men can no longer vote on the
traditional Academy Awards.
 ***   However, they have been asked to help select the winners in
three new categories:  Best Accuser, Best Supporting Witness and Best Presentation of
Corroborating Evidence.

At a recent education roundtable, one teacher told Education Secretary Betsy DeVos that
her policies are having a negative effect on public schools.   ***
  She then made Ms. DeVos
write an essay on the subject and assigned her three weeks of after-school detention.  

May 4, 1932  – Al Capone enters Atlanta Penitentiary after being convicted of income tax
evasion.
  ***    Actually, his fate was sealed once the jury found out he had used a specialized
app, “TurboTax for Felons.”

May 4, 1846 – Michigan ends the death penalty.  ***   However, many years later they
considered reinstating it for people who buy a foreign car.

May 4, 1973 – Valerie Perrine appears in network TV’s first nude scene on the PBS show
“Steambath.”  
 ***  Fifty years later she did a similar nude scene in a commercial for a senior
“Walk-in Bath,” but it just wasn’t the same.


Thursday, May 3

Since girls are now allowed to join the Boy Scouts, the organization has announced that
it will be changing its name.  
***   Right now they’re trying to choose between “Happy Campers”
and the “Oh-Boy! Scouts.”

In a surprising disclosure, Rudi Giuliani told Fox News that President Trump had repaid
Michael Cohen for the Stormy Daniels hush money, but it was perfectly legal.
 ***  
However, he has not yet explained why that reimbursement was all in ruples.   

On this date in history:  May 3, 1919 – The first passenger flight in the U.S. takes place
from New York to Atlantic City.
 ***  I guess it’s appropriate that the first passengers would be
gamblers.

On this date in history:  May 3, 1926 – The Pulitzer Prize is awarded to Sinclair Lewis for
“Arrowsmith.”
 ***  I believe that should be spelled “Aerosmith,” and shouldn’t the prize have gone
to Steven Tyler?

On this date in history:  May 3, 1997 – Garry Kasparov begins a chess match with the IBM
supercomputer “Deep Blue.”  
 ***  It took forever because the game kept getting interrupted
with pop-up ads.


Wednesday, May 2

Kendall Jenner told Vogue that she has suffered from depression for several years and
has been looking for ways to alleviate it.
 ***   So far, the most effective relief is to close her
eyes and pretend she comes from a different family.

Facebook is planning to expand into online dating.  ***  Now the Russian trolls won’t be the
only ones with fake profiles.

On this date in history:  May 2, 1878 – The U.S. Mint stops producing the 20-cent coin.   
***   Instead, they just started gluing two dimes together.

On this date in history:  May 2, 1909 – In a game against the Chicago Cubs, Honus Wagner
steals his way around second, third and home bases.
  ***   It was a night game, before they
got lights.

On this date in history:  May 2, 1938 – Ella Fitzgerald records "A-Tisket, A-Tasket (A Brown
and Yellow Basket)."   ***
 I guess in those days, if you wanted words that rhymed you just made
them up.


Tuesday, May 1

In France, an art museum dedicated to the works of Étienne Terrus recently discovered
that more than half of its paintings are forgeries.
  ***  Museum officials immediately took
corrective action by allowing visitors to use counterfeit tickets.

A pregnant Nashville woman traveling through Turkey delivered her own baby in a hotel
room after watching YouTube videos.
 *** Of course, the videos didn’t actually help with the
delivery because they were all about cats, but now she’s entertaining the kid with a cardboard box,
a ball of yarn and a laser beam.

On this date in history:  May 1, 1875 – 238 members of the so-called "Whiskey Ring" are
accused of anti-US activities.
  ***   All of the accused denied that they were part of the Whiskey
Ring, and promised to prove it as soon as they sobered up.

On this date in history:  May 1, 1883 – "Buffalo Bill" Cody puts on his first Wild West
Show.  
***  History did not record the details of the shows, but after every performance they had to
get new Indians.

On this date in history:  May 1, 1994 – Reporter Charles Kuralt retires from CBS News,
where he had hosted the program “On the Road.”
 ***  Apparently he hit the retirement
pothole.


Monday, Apr 30

According to a study in the journal “Environment Health Perspectives,” there may be a
higher risk of cancer for people who have had a lot of exposure to blue light.
 ***  On a
positive note, however, many of those folks probably got a lot of great bargains at K-Mart.

In a phone call to Fox News, President Trump said that Michael Cohen is only involved in
a “tiny, tiny, little” portion of his legal work.
 ***  In fact, he said the cases handled by Mr.
Cohen were so “tiny, tiny, little” that he could count them on his fingers.

On this date in history:  Apr 30, 1772 – John Clais patents the first scale.  ***  And the next
day he started Weight Watchers.

On this date in history:  Apr 30, 1864 – General William Scurry is killed In the Battle of
Jenkins' Ferry.
 ***  So, not every ferry tale has a happy ending.

On this date in history:  Apr 30, 1947 – Boulder Dam is renamed Hoover Dam in honor of
President Herbert Hoover  
 ***  Years later, Mr. Hoover was also honored with the name of a
car, “Herbie the Love Bug.”


Friday, Apr 27

When EPA head Scott Pruitt presented his proposed budget to Congress he was grilled
about recent expenditures for a soundproof booth, security, first class travel and other
items, but in every case he pinned the blame on his subordinates.
***  In regards to next
year’s budget, he said he’s going to need at least one more bus.

David Meade, a self-proclaimed “Christian researcher,” says the Rapture will end the
world as we know it by December of this year.
 ***   So, without another Christmas, it’s pretty
clear why Toys ‘R’ Us went ahead and declared bankruptcy.

On this date in history:  April 27, 1773 – British Parliament passes the Tea Act, which
eventually led to the Boston Tea Party.   ***
  If it was summertime I wonder if it would have
been the Iced Tea Act.

On this date in history:  April 27, 1960 – France grants independence to Togo.  ***  To be
fair, they also granted independence to Eatin.

On this date in history:  April 27, 1989 – In China, students take over Tiananmen Square.  
***  The math students were the most vocal protestors, claiming that it’s actually a rectangle.  


Thursday, Apr 26

The White House recently issued a photo showing President Trump meeting with Vice
President Pence and listening to his advisors on the eve of the Syrian airstrikes, but
journalists said the photo was bogus because Mr. Pence was actually in Peru at that
time.
 ***  And because it shows Mr. Trump listening to his advisors.

Costco is experimenting with food court kiosks that will let customers order their meal
on a computerized touch-screen and then pick it up at the counter.  ***
  In keeping with the
Costco business model, the computer will automatically take each order and multiply it by 12.

On this date in history:  Apr 26, 1478 – Easter is celebrated for the first time.  ***   With a
risen Jesus, Easter bunnies and eggs, I’m pretty sure the holiday was created by a committee.

On this date in history:  Apr 26, 1941 – Potatoes are rationed in Holland.  ***   In fact, fast
food workers were no longer allowed to ask, “You want fries with that?”

On this date in history:  Apr 26, 1977 – New York's famed disco Studio 54 opens.  ***   Of
course, all the naysayers said disco wouldn’t last.  Thankfully, they were right.


Wednesday, Apr 25

Former House Speaker John Boehner has joined the advisory board of a pot company,
and says his views on marijuana have “evolved.”  
 ***   I believe his unique version of
evolution will be featured in a new TV show, “The Big Buck Theory.”

This week President Trump and French President Macron planted a tree on the White
House lawn.
 ***  Then their wives had them trim the hedges and pull weeds the Rose Garden.

On this date in history:  Apr 25, 1954 – The U.S. performs an atmospheric nuclear test at
Bikini Island.
 ***  Wow, talk about leaving tan lines.

On this date in history:  Apr 25, 1961 – Robert Noyce patents the integrated circuit.   ***  
Because segregated circuits had become illegal.

On this date in history:  Apr 25, 1976 – Two baseball fans try to set an American flag on
fire, but are thwarted by Chicago Cub centerfielder Rick Monday.
 ***   Yep, Mondays can
be tough.


Tuesday, Apr 24

A recent article in the “International Journal of Astrobiology” suggests that aliens on
“super earths” might not leave their planets and visit earth because their gravitational
pull is so great.  
 ***   And that makes it even harder to get up off the couch.

Bristol Palin and her husband are now expecting a second child, and they recently said,
"Life is full of ups and downs but in the end, you'll end up where you're supposed to
be."
 ***  And they said if you’re lucky, that place will have enough room for your double-wide.

On this date in history:  Apr 24, 1524 –Admiral Bonnivet is driven out of Milan by the Duke
of Bourbon.
 ***  Actually, I don’t think the Duke of Bourbon should have been driving.

On this date in history:  Apr 24, 1800 – The Library of Congress is established with $5,000
allocation.
 ***  That was enough to buy one bookshelf, ten books and a sign that said “Whisper!”

On this date in history:  Apr 24, 1961 – President John F. Kennedy accepts "sole
responsibility" following the Bay of Pigs debacle.  ***
  Unfortunately for Mr. Kennedy, that
was before you could just blame everything on “fake news.”


Monday, Apr 23

A Brooklyn mail carrier who stashed 17,000 pieces of undelivered mail said he had been
“overwhelmed” with the workload but “made sure to deliver the important mail.”
  ***   
Everything with a centerfold.

Coca-Cola announced a program to make it easier and more convenient to recycle its
bottles and cans.
  ***  They’re going to put a recycling bin in the Oval Office.

On this date in history:  Apr 23, 1959 – "Destry Rides Again" opens at Imperial Theater in
NYC for 472 performances.
 ***  It was a somewhat unimaginative effort to capitalize on the
successful original play, “Destry Rides.”

On this date in history:  Apr 23, 1977 – Dr. Allen Bussey completes 20,302 yo-yo loops.  ***  
Meanwhile, his patients were piling up in the waiting room.

On this date in history:  Apr 23, 1991 – The USSR grants republics the right to secede
under certain conditions.  ***
  First condition: Hell freezes over.