High Impact Humor

Joke Archives
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Tuesday, Feb 13

The “Spice Girls” are planning a reunion tour this fall.  ***  For senior audiences, however,
they’ll be performing as the “Low-Salt and High-Fiber Girls.”

In the Olympics, a pair of Canadian figure skaters were urged to tone down their routine
after complaints that it was too sexy.
 ***  Officials said they didn’t mind the sensuality, but they
noticed the ice was starting to melt.

On this date in history:  Feb 13, 1633 – Astronomer Galileo arrives in Rome to go on trial
for professing that the earth revolves around the Sun.
 ***  Today, of course, everyone
knows that the earth revolves around the Kardashians.

On this date in history:  Feb 13, 1866 – Jesse James holds up his first bank in Liberty,
Missouri.   
***  Since it was his first robbery, the bank also gave him a free toaster.

On this date in history:  Feb 13, 1992 – Jose Canseco repeatedly rams his Porsche into
wife Esther's BMW.
 ***  He was arrested and charged with a single count of yuppie road rage.


Monday, Feb 12

After a Florida woman was told she couldn’t bring her “support hamster” on her flight,
she flushed it down an airport toilet.   
***   Yes, that was a very sad ending, but for one bright,
shining moment the hamster thought he was getting a shiny porcelain cage with an in-ground pool.

The Winter Olympics have begun and the U.S. beat Russia in curling.   ***   I guess that’s
not surprising, since most Russians prefer to wear their hair straight.  

On this date in history:  Feb 12, 1908 – Anna Jeanes bequeaths $1,000,000 to Swarthmore
College to become all female.
 ***  I wonder if that’s how much it cost Caitlyn Jenner.

On this date in history:  Feb 12, 1949 – "Annie Get Your Gun" closes at Imperial Theater
in NYC after 1,147 performances.
  ***  It was the only play for which the audience had to come
back the following weekend for the second act because of the five day waiting period.

On this date in history:  Feb 12, 1955 – President Eisenhower sends the first US advisors
to South Vietnam.
 ***   He then turned to his aides and said, “Hey, what could go wrong?”


Friday, Feb 9

Officials at the Winter Olympics plan to distribute 110,000 condoms to the athletes.  ***  
But, in a nod to Darwin, no condoms will be given to anyone winning a gold medal.

A former Alaskan Airlines pilot is expected to plead guilty to flying while intoxicated.  ***  
Passengers on that flight became concerned when he got on the P.A. system and told some jokes
that were actually funny.

On this date in history:  Feb 9, 1674 – The English re-take New York from the Dutch.  ***  If
they hadn’t won, Central Park would now be the world’s largest tulip farm.

On this date in history:  Feb 9, 1885 – The first Japanese arrive in Hawaii.   ***   Conspiracy
theory: They just wanted to check out the harbor.

On this date in history:  Feb 9, 1920 – The Joint Rules Commission bans applying foreign
substances to baseballs.
 ***  All applied substances had to be made in the U.S.A.


Thursday, Feb 8

According to data from the Federal Highway Commission, 54,000 bridges in the U.S. are in
serious need of repair.
 ***  In fact, the one between the Democrat and Republican sides of the
aisle has become totally unusable.

Scientists in Japan have developed a banana with an edible peel.  ***   It’s for lazy monkeys.

On this date in history:  Feb 8, 1600 – The Vatican sentences scholar Giordano Bruno to
death.   *
**   On a positive note, however, he made the dean’s list.   

On this date in history:  Feb 8, 1802 - Simon Willard patents the banjo clock.   ***   It told
you when it was time to play the banjo.

On this date in history:  Feb 8, 1883 – Louis Waterman begins experiments to invent the
fountain pen.
 ***  And his wife starts looking for ways to remove ink stains.


Wednesday, Feb 7

Gloria Copeland, one of President Trump’s evangelistic advisors, says that we do not
need to get vaccinated against the flu because “Jesus himself” gave us the shots.
  ***  
She later issued a correction and admitted it only applies to people with the Obamacare Gold Plan.

North Korea finally got around to slamming President Trump’s State of the Union
speech.
 ***  First Kim Jung Un had to take care of all his officials who got caught up in the
excitement on TV and kept standing up and clapping with the Republicans.

On this date in history:  Feb 7, 1876 – President Grant's private secretary, Orville
Babcock, is acquitted in the Whiskey Ring bribery scandal, where distillers only paid a
tax of 35 cents per gallon instead of 70 cents.
 ***  The distillers pleaded not guilty of any
wrongdoing, and said they paid during Happy Hour.

On this date in history:  Feb 7, 1877 – The Guernsey Cattle Club is established in New
York City.  
***   However, it was soon disbanded because the cattle just wouldn’t behave
themselves.

On this date in history:  Feb 7, 1993 – Pebbles Flintstone and Bamm Bamm Rubble get
married.
 ***  Predictably, it was a rocky marriage.


Tuesday, Feb 6

A Massachusetts man has been arrested for marrying several women from Africa to help
them immigrate in exchange for money.  
 ***   Authorities became suspicious when he was
spotted at Cosco buying a 12-pack of engagement rings.

“Harry Potter” author J.K. Rowling is being criticized because in the series she only
hinted that one of the characters, Albus Dumbledore, is gay.
 ***  So, I’m guessing the
“Chamber of Secrets” is a closet?

On this date in history:  Feb 6, 1778 – France recognizes the United States and signs an
aid treaty, and England immediately declares war on France.
 ***   And that, children, is why
we always celebrate February 6th as “International Pick-a-Side Day.”

On this date in history:  Feb 6, 1918 – Britain grants women over age 30 the right to vote.  
***  Which pretty much guaranteed that not a single woman under the age of 40 would be seen at
the polls.

On this date in history:  Feb 6, 1997 – In England, Diane Blood wins the right to use her
dead husband’s sperm.  ***  
 The judge said, “OK, but no other parts.”


Monday, Feb 5

In Bradenton, Florida, a loaded grenade launcher was found in a pile of Goodwill donations.   ***   Apparently
someone had seriously misunderstood the term “Give ‘til it
hurts.”                                                                                                                                                                       

The Massachusetts house once owned by Lizzie Borden is now for sale.  ***  The realtor
says it has a very reasonable axing price.

On this date in history:  Feb 5, 1861 – The first moving picture “peep show” machine is
patented by Samuel Goodale.
 ***   a.k.a. “Filthy Sam.”

On this date in history:  Feb 5, 1931 – Maxine Dunlap becomes the first women in the U.S.
to earn a glider pilot license.
 ***  It happened in the middle of a flight, when her engine quit.

On this date in history:  Feb 5, 1994 – "Where on Earth Is Carmen San Diego?" debuts on
Fox TV.
  ***   I believe it was about the government’s search for an illegal Mexican immigrant.


Friday, Feb 2

California coffee shops may be required to post warnings that coffee can cause cancer.  
***  They will also warn that excessive caffeine consumption may cause “Irritable Scowl Syndrome.”

Race fans are disappointed that Formula 1 plans to discontinue “grid girls,” the beautiful
women who hold up the car number by each race car before the start.
 ***    They’re
blaming the decision on one grid girl who inadvertently tweeted “#MeTwo.”

On this date in history:  Feb 2, 1653 – The city of New Amsterdam is established, and is
later re-named New York City.
 ***  The reason for the name change is a bit complicated, but it
was basically due to a few unfortunate incidents involving windmills.

On this date in history:  Feb 2, 1950 – CBS airs the first broadcast of "What's My Line?", a
game show in which a panel tries to determine a guest’s job by asking yes/no questions.  
***   For example, “Were you born in India?  Do you like to help people?”

On this date in history:  Feb 2, 1974 – Barbra Streisand has her first #1 hit, "The Way We
Were."  ***
 Wasn’t that previously sung by Archie and Edith?


Thursday, Feb 1

Two of the country’s largest poultry suppliers are being accused of driving up prices.  
***   So, why did the chicken cross the road? Apparently to get a new price tag.

In an interview with CNN’s Anderson Cooper, White House press secretary Sarah
Sanders said Nancy Pelosi “should smile way more often.”
  ***   Instead of just smiling
whenever she sees Ms. Sanders’ latest outfit.

On this date in history:  Feb 1, 1840 – The Baltimore College of Dental Surgery—the first
in the United States—is established.  
 ***   Instructors promoted dental health by teaching
students how to inflict so much pain that children would brush twice a day just to avoid the dentist.  

On this date in history:  Feb 1, 1893 – Thomas Edison completes construction of the
world’s first movie studio.   ***
 But, he had a tough time explaining to Mrs. Edison why he had
to buy something called a “casting couch.”

On this date in history:  Feb 1, 1972 – The first hand-held scientific calculator, the HP-35,
goes on sale at a price of $395.  
 ***  Automobile accidents immediately skyrocketed as
engineers everywhere started calculating while driving.


Wednesday, Jan 31

TV personality Amy Duggar has offered to adopt the 13 Turpin children who had been
held captive by their parents their entire lives.
 ***  Ms. Duggar said she was shocked by their
story, and noted that most parents only want to lock up their kids during the teenage years.

Volkswagen has suspended its chief lobbyist after reports that he sponsored tests in
which monkeys were forced to inhale diesel fumes.
 ***  They also had to listen to truckers on
a CB radio and eat greasy food at a truck stop.

On this date in history:  Jan 31, 1696 – In Amsterdam, undertakers revolt in response to
funeral reforms.
 ***  They were especially upset at the government’s insistence that the person
be dead.

On this date in history:  Jan 31, 1906 – In Colombia, the strongest scientifically measured
earthquake hits 8.6 on the Richter scale.  **
*  Even Mr. Richter was impressed.

On this date in history:  Jan 31, 1928 – Scotch tape is first marketed by 3-M Company.  ***   
That just goes to show--you can develop a successful product if you can just stick with it.


Tuesday, Jan 30

Panera has pulled cream cheese from all its U.S. locations after some samples tested
positive for Listeria.  
***   Company officials say they’ll replace the supplies as soon as they
change the packaging to advertise the new flavor.

KFC just announced that the next person to portray Colonel Sanders in commercials will
be Reba McEntire.  
 ***  But, in an obvious case of gender discrimination, they’re making her start
out as a Private.

On this date in history:  Jan 30, 1487 – Bell chimes are invented.  ***  Great sound, but tough
to dance to.

On this date in history:  Jan 30, 1818 – Keats composes his sonnet, "When I Have Fears."  
***  I believe it was about his experience with a self-confidence workshop.

On this date in history:  Jan 30, 1956 – Elvis Presley records his version of "Blue Suede
Shoes."   
***   Those were the good old days. “Make America Suede Again.”


Monday, Jan 29

Ingvar Kamprad, the founder of IKEA, has passed away at the age of 91.  ***  The pall
bearers have been asked to arrive two hours before the funeral to assemble the casket.

Dennis Peron, the “father of medical marijuana,” has passed away at the age of 72.   ***   
His eulogy will be delivered by Dr. Cheech and Dr. Chong.

On this date in history:  Jan 29, 1595 – William Shakespeare's “Romeo and Juliet” is
performed for the first time.   ***   
 It didn’t go too well. When Juliet asked, “Wherefore art thou,
Romeo?” several members of the audience pointed him out.

On this date in history:  Jan 29, 1728 – John Gays' "Beggar's Opera" premieres in
London.   
***   To set the mood, ticketholders arriving at the event had to plead for good seats.

On this date in history:  Jan 29, 1959 – Walt Disney releases "Sleeping Beauty," the story
about a beautiful young princess who is kissed by a prince while she is asleep.
 ***   I
believe the film’s working title was “#MeToo.”  


Friday, Jan 26

A culture expert says that North Koreans photographed around their leader, Kim Jong
Un, are often crying because of the “cult of personality.”
  ***  In democracies, on the other
hand, it’s usually because they realize they voted for the wrong guy.

A Florida man was charged with DUI after he tried to order a burrito at the drive-thru
window at a bank.
   ***   The charges were a little more serious last month, when he tried to
withdraw cash from a Taco Bell.

On this date in history:  Jan 26, 1784 – Benjamin Franklin expresses unhappiness over
the selection of the eagle as America's symbol and says he would have chosen the
turkey.
 ***  So, if Mr. Franklin had his way, at Thanksgiving we’d all be eating eagles.

On this date in history:  Jan 26, 1962 – Bishop Burke of the Buffalo Catholic Diocese
declares that Chubby Checker's "Twist" is impure and bans it from all Catholic schools.
 
***  Besides, it was a blatant copy of the bishop’s best moves during an exorcisim.

On this date in history:  Jan 26, 2006 – Western Union discontinues its telegram service.   
***  Actually, its fate was sealed several years earlier when it was featured in an annoying song by
the Five Americans (“Western Union-n-n-n…DIT da-dit da-dit, DIT da-dit da-dit…).


Thursday, Jan 25

Chinese scientists announced they have cloned two monkeys using the same method
that was developed in 1996 to create Dolly the sheep.
 ***  They say the new monkeys are
energetic and alert, and can already say “ba-a-a-a-a-a.”

Police in Detroit arrested a man who shot an arrow at a neighbor’s car.  ***  The man is also
a suspect in a recent wave of gallop-by shootings.

On this date in history:  Jan 25, 1775 – In the Revolutionary War, Americans drag a
cannon up a hill in the Bronx on a route that became known as “Gun Hill Road.”
 ***  
However, it’s believed that the soldiers actually dragging the cannon called it a few different names.

On this date in history:  Jan 25, 1939 – The nuclear age begins with the first nuclear
fission experiment in the basement of Columbia University’s Pupin Hall by a group that
includes Enrico Fermi.  
***  On the negative side, they missed a great kegger at the Alpha Beta
fraternity.

On this date in history:  Jan 25, 1955 – Columbia University scientists develop an atomic
clock accurate to within one second in 300 years.
 ***  Geesh, someone just asked them what
time it was.


Wednesday; Jan 24

A Florida man was charged with DUI after he tried to order a burrito at the drive-thru
window at a bank.
   ***   By the time police arrived, he was at the ATM machine trying to get a
coke.

In the wake of Jim Comey’s dismissal, Attorney General Jeff Sessions has reportedly
been pressuring the new FBI Director, Christopher Wray, to fire a couple of his top
deputies.
 ***   “Casual Friday” at the FBI now means you wear comfortable clothes and bring a
cardboard box.

On this date in history:  Jan 24, 1874 – Mussorgsky's opera "Boris Godunov" premieres
in St. Petersburg.
 ***  Isn’t that the animated opera with Natasha and Rocky the Flying Squirrel?

On this date in history:  Jan 24, 1899 – The rubber heel is patented by Humphrey
O'Sullivan.
 ***  However, sales were slow because the fake news said they would make you
bounce and hit your head on the ceiling.

On this date in history:  Jan 24, 1983 – Hulk Hogan pins the Iron Sheik for the World
Wrestling Federation title.     ***
  Actually, Mr. Sheik would have been prepared for that trick
move if he had watched Mr. Hogan’s sex video.


Tuesday, Jan 23

According to a recent study, marriages of couples with big age differences tend to sour
after six to eight years.  ***
 The problems are often due to the onset of dementia; the younger
spouses can’t remember why they ever agreed to it.

The person in Hawaii who set off a nuclear attack warning by pushing the wrong button
has been re-assigned.  ***  
 Actually, management should have been concerned after all those
times he complained about the elevator stopping at the wrong floor.

On this date in history:  Jan 23, 1913 – A group known as the “Young Turks” carries out a
coup d'etat against the Turkish government.  
 ***  They were so young they had to schedule
the coup between recess and nap time.

On this date in history:  Jan 23, 1965 – Boston Celtic center Bill Russell misses all 14
shots in a loss to the Philadelphia Warriors.
 ***  He always bragged he could make those
shots with his eyes closed, but that was the first time he actually tried it.

On this date in history:  Jan 23, 1968 – The American spy ship U.S.S. Pueblo with its 83-
man crew is seized by North Korea.
  ***   In a last-ditch attempt to avoid capture, the crew
painted “Carnival Cruise Lines” on the ship and offered the Koreans a complimentary three-day,
two-night cruise to Hawaii.


Monday, Jan 22

Delta Air Lines announced is imposing tougher restrictions on service animals to avoid
“serious safety risks involving untrained animals in flight.”  
***   Before boarding a plane,
service animals must now show they can fetch, roll over and jump through a hoop.

Researchers at Baylor University say that writing a “to-do” list at bedtime can help you
fall asleep more quickly.    ***
  On the negative side, most of your dreams will involve things like
grocery shopping, paying bills and mowing the lawn.    

On this date in history:  Jan 22, 1588 – Pope Sixtus V decrees "Immensa Aeterni."   ***   I’m
not sure what that is, but I believe it was larger than the “Really Bigga Aeterni.”

On this date in history:  Jan 22, 1690 – The Iroquois tribes renew their allegiance to the
British against the French.  *
**  After much debate, the Indians decided they still preferred beer
over wine.

On this date in history:  Jan 22, 2002 – Kmart becomes the largest retailer in United
States history to file for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection.
 ***  The hearing was held at a
courtroom marked by a flashing blue light.


Friday, Jan 19

After the owner’s publication of a tell-all book, the English lingerie store of Rigby &
Peller lost the “royal warrant” which had marked it as a provider to the Queen and her
family.
  ***   Actually, what really did them in was the introduction of their new undergarment line,
“Royal Peek-a-Boo.”    

Honey Boo-Boo’s 17 year-old sister, Pumpkin, has just given birth to a baby girl.  ***   And
now that Mama June is wealthy from her TV show “From Not to Hot,” she’s going to show some
class by buying Pumpkin her very own house trailer.

On this date in history:  Jan 19, 1915 – The neon tube sign is patented by George Claude.  
***
 Originally, he just tried to patent the word “Open.”

On this date in history:  Jan 19, 1955 – "The Millionaire" premieres on CBS.  ***   It was
about a rich man who anonymously gave away a million dollars every week, but at the end of the
year was unable to prove it to the IRS.

On this date in history:  Jan 19, 1977 – President Ford pardons Iva Toguri D'Aquino, the
radio voice of Japan known as “Tokyo Rose.”  
 ***   But he rejected her request for a late night
talk show on NBC.


Thursday, Jan 18

After 70 years in business, “The Doll Hospital & Toy Soldier Shop” in the Detroit suburb
of Berkley is closing its doors.
 ***  That’s too bad—It was the Republicans’ “Plan A” for
replacing Obamacare and the VA.

Health experts have announced that a colony of monkeys in Florida may be carrying the
herpes virus.
  ***    They were…warning desperate seniors?

On this date in history:  Jan 18, 1896 – The first U.S. demonstration of an X-ray machine is
held in New York City.  
 ***  It was then used to screen passengers at the stagecoach station.

On this date in history:  Jan 18, 1951 – Netherland officials use a lie detector for the first
time. ***
 Embarrassingly, their interrogation revealed that it wasn’t really the first time.

On this date in history:  Jan 18, 1996 – Lisa Marie Presley files for divorce from Michael
Jackson.  
***  You know, Michael was one of those guys for whom a marriage license and divorce
papers should be issued as a matched set.


Wednesday, Jan 17

McDonald’s has announced that by 2025 it will use renewable, recyclable or certified
materials in all of its packaging.
 ***   To reduce the environmental impact even further, people
ordering fries will be asked to hold out their hands.  

General Motors has just unveiled a new vehicle for the future—a self-driving Chevy Bolt
that doesn’t have a steering wheel.  
 ***   However, there’s still a big steering column protruding
from the dash because they need something to hold the horn button.

On this date in history:  Jan 17, 1861 – Thomas Crapper patents the flush toilet.  ***  
Although in the patent application it was referred to as a “goldfish disposal system.”

On this date in history:  Jan 17, 1976 – "I Write the Songs" by Barry Manilow hits #1.   ***   
Its success immediately led to a second song: “I Cash the Checks.”

On this date in history:  Jan 17, 1984 – The Supreme Court rules that private use of home
VCRs to record TV programs does not violate federal copyright law.
 ***   Thank goodness.
There’s nothing worse than a law-breaking couch potato.


Tuesday, Jan 16

The Centers for Disease Control has cancelled a planned meeting on “nuclear attack
preparedness” and replaced it with a session on “how to reduce the spread of seasonal
flu.”
 ***  On a happy note, the CDC says that most of those flu germs will never survive the first
blast.

According to a recently published study, President Trump typically speaks at the level of
a fourth grader. The analysis is based on the number of unique words used, the average
number of syllables per word…
*** … and the number of times the speaker asks if it’s time for
recess.

On this date in history:  Jan 16, 1936 – The first photo finish camera for horse races is
installed at Hialeah.  
 ***   It was the only way to get the jockeys to stop taking selfies.

On this date in history:  Jan 16, 1965 – The Searchers hit #3 on the charts with "Love
Potion Number 9."
 *** But government officials said they don’t care how effective it is, it’s still not
covered by Obamacare.

On this date in history:  Jan 16, 1973 – NBC airs the 440th and final episode of
"Bonanza."  
 ***   Amazingly, after all that time Little Joe was still called “Little.”  (Possibly a thyroid
condition)


Monday, Jan 15

A new BBC documentary reveals that during World War II, amid fears of an invasion,
England’s priceless crown jewels were hidden in a biscuit tin.
  ***  Apparently they were
betting that the Germans wouldn’t be hungry.

The Army’s Golden Knights parachute team is upset that their name is also being used by
the Las Vegas Golden Knights hockey team.
  ***   The Army said it just doesn’t like being
associated with something so violent.

On this date in history:  Jan 15, 1346 – Emperor Louis IV of Bavaria gives Holland to his
wife.
  ***   I believe that was the original “Dutch treat.”

On this date in history:  Jan 15, 1943 – World's largest office building, the Pentagon, is
completed.
 ***  They had to give it five sides so every general could have a corner office.

On this date in history:  Jan 15, 1994 – Queen Elizabeth falls off her horse and breaks her
left wrist.
  ***  Not to mention all the damage to her crown.


Friday, Jan 12

First Lady Melania Trump has just announced three new additions to her White House
staff, including a communications coordinator.
 ***  Hey, what marriage couldn’t use one of
those?

The small fire that broke out at the Trump Tower on Monday reportedly injured two
people who were there.
 ***  The individuals weren’t identified, but when offered medical care
they both said, “neyt.”

On this date in history:  Jan 12, 1820 – The Royal Astronomical Society is founded in
England.
 ***   It was for people who love to use superlatives.

On this date in history:  Jan 12, 1915 – The U.S. House of Representatives rejects a
proposal to give women the right to vote.
  ***   Washington D.C. hotels then fill up as 400
men are locked out of their homes.

On this date in history:  Jan 12, 1950 – The U.S.S.R. re-introduces the death penalty for
treason, espionage and sabotage…
  ***  …or damaging a vodka distillery.  


Thursday, Jan 11

Yesterday there was a two hour power outage and blackout at the big Consumers
Electronics Show in Las Vegas.
 ***  All the Millennials there hadn’t seen anything like that since
their parents shut off power to the basement.

Earlier this week, President Trump upgraded Martin Luther King’s birthplace from an
historic site to a national park.  
 ***  He said he would have done the same thing for Barack
Obama’s birthplace if it wasn’t all the way over in Kenya.

On this date in history:  Jan 11, 1803 – Monroe and Livingston sail for Paris to buy New
Orleans from the French, but end up buying all of Louisiana.  
 ***   Historical records aren’t
clear on whether the result was due to superb negotiating skills or just an extremely good luck in
five card stud.  

On this date in history:  Jan 11, 1892 – Artist Paul Gauguin marries a 13-year-old Tahitian
girl.
  ***   Well, maybe he needed help with his computer.

On this date in history:  Jan 11, 1943 – The U.S. and Britain relinquish extraterritorial
rights in China.
  ***   The business potential was attractive, but maintaining a presence would
have required a long-term commitment, substantial investment and learning to use chopsticks.


Wednesday, Jan 10

More flight attendants are being recruited by JANET airlines, the government-owned
operation for servicing secret locations like Area 51. In addition to the typical
requirements, candidates must also have top secret clearance…   ***
  and be able to deal
with inappropriate behavior from drunk aliens.

President Trump’s lawyers are expected to meet with special investigator Robert
Mueller to set the terms of the president’s interview.  
 ***  The president’s lawyers will insist
that all questions be true-false, or at least multiple choice.

On this date in history:  Jan 10, 1949 – RCA introduces the 45 RPM record.   ***  I believe
they reduced the speed from 78 RPM so you could read the label while it was spinning.

On this date in history:  Jan 10, 1980 – NBC broadcasts the last episode of the "Rockford
Files," with James Garner.   ***  
 Zoning officials finally cracked down on unauthorized house
trailers down on the beach.   

On this date in history:  Jan 10, 1984 – The U.S. re-establishes full diplomatic relations
with Vatican after almost 117 years.  ***
  But first the pope had to promise that the Church had
dropped that whole “Fish on Friday” thing.


Tuesday, Jan 9

Yesterday a small fire broke out on the roof of Trump Tower.  ***   That’s a shame. Trump
staffers had been specifically instructed to extinguish all cigarettes before jumping.

“Jeopardy” host Alex Trebek is taking some medical leave after undergoing brain
surgery.
***   After the operation Mr. Trebek joked, “I’ll take ‘Bedpans’ for $200,” but the staff
informed him that with hospital pricing all bedpans are a minimum of $300.

On this date in history:  Jan 9, 1879 – Cheyenne prisoners revolt at Fort Robinson, led by
an Indian known as “Dull Knife.”  
***   Actually, a lot of leaders aren’t the sharpest knife in the
drawer, but usually they keep it secret.

On this date in history:  Jan 9, 1933 – Amsterdam confectionery employees go on strike to
protest wage reductions.  
 ***  Management had offered a compromise, but the workers
demanded that they sweeten the deal.

On this date in history:  Jan 9, 1951 – “Life after Tomorrow,” the first film to receive an
"X" rating, premieres.
 ***  Actually, the movie was X-rated only because the future was.


Monday, Jan 8

Dunkin’ Donuts has announced it will no longer use artificial food coloring.  ***  From now
on, the colorful donut icing will be made from melted crayons.   

McDonald’s has announced it may re-introduce the “Archburger,” an upscale hamburger
made from fresh beef.  ***
 In fact, it’s so exclusive McDonald’s will provide valet service for the
drive-thru.

On this date in history:  Jan 8, 1790 – President George Washington delivers the first
State of the Union Address.
  ***  At that time he was widely regarded as “Father of Our Country”
and “Best President So Far.”

On this date in history:  Jan 8, 1973 – Secret peace talks between the U.S. and North
Vietnam resumed near Paris.
 ***  The talks were held in a hidden location and all the
participants had to whisper.

On this date in history:  Jan 8, 1993 – The Elvis Presley commemorative postage stamp
goes on sale.
 ***  It was the first stamp ever printed on black velvet.