High Impact Humor

Joke Archives
(Jokes posted on the home page during the past 30 days)
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Thursday, Mar 15

Ford is recalling 1.4 million vehicles because the steering wheel might fall off.  ***  A
company spokesman admitted that it could be dangerous, but pointed out that it would leave both
hands free for texting.

Today is March 15th, sometimes referred to as the “Ides of March.”   ***   I’d rather be in a
warmer climate…I’d wash the car if I had more energy…I’d love to win the lottery…

On this date in history:  Mar 15, 1729 – Sister St. Stanislas Hachard, the first U.S. nun,
takes her vows in New Orleans.
  ***  She was then issued her official habit, rosary beads and

On this date in history:  Mar 15, 1937 – The first blood bank is established in Chicago.   
***   It’s the only bank where it’s good to be in the red.

On this date in history:  Mar 15, 1964 – President Lyndon Johnson asks for a War on
 ***   I remember that—I requested my ammunition in the form of large, unmarked bills.   

Wednesday, Mar 14

In the wake of the Oscars, many Hollywood stars have started promoting “inclusion
riders,” which require that film projects include 50% diversity to help minorities enter the
***   So, it’s a long shot, but someday the ranks of the Hollywood elite might even
include a few republicans.  

After four months of legal wrangling, a California court has decided that Charles Manson’
s body will be given to his grandson, and now people want to know what he’s going to do
with it.
 ***   Hint: Watch for a vehicle in the carpool lane that has a somewhat rigid passenger with
a swastika on his forehead.

On this date in history:  Mar 14, 1794 – Eli Whitney patents the cotton gin.  ***   It was much
more successful than his earlier invention, cotton vodka.

On this date in history:  Mar 14, 1923 – President Warren G. Harding becomes the first
president to file an income tax report and pay taxes.  
***  He also became the first president
to lie on his tax form.

On this date in history:  Mar 14, 1950 – The FBI's "10 Most Wanted Fugitives" program
begins.   **
*   In those days, the fugitives had to receive three nominations and then audition for a
panel of judges.

Tuesday, Mar 13

Costco is offering its customers a “doomsday package” that has enough freeze-dried
food to feed a family of 4 for a year.
 ***   So, if Armageddon happens, the surviving civilization
will be comprised entirely of bargain hunters. (On the other hand, if the only store offering survival
packages was Walmart…)

Republican congressional candidate Rick Saccone claims that his political opponents
hate President Trump, the United States and even God.
  ***  Of course, that’s going to cost
him a lot of GOP votes—implying that Mr. Trump and God are two different people.

On this date in history:  Mar 13, 1519 – Cortez and his crew land in Mexico.  ***  They
immediately began learning all about Mexican culture, the local food and spring break.

On this date in history:  Mar 13, 1868 – The Senate begins President Andrew Johnson’s
impeachment trial.
  ***  So, even back then they had interns?

On this date in history:  Mar 13, 1913 – The Kansas legislature approves censorship of
motion pictures.
  ***   They were especially offended by one example of mid-west pornography,
“Fifty Shades of Wheat.”

Monday, Mar 12

Toy’s ‘R’ Us may be closing all its stores, and industry experts say that would really hurt
sales of two iconic toys: Legos and Barbie Doll.
 ***  Otherwise known as “Bricks and Tricks.”

At a White House signing ceremony, President Trump told a steelworker that his father is
proudly looking down on him, but the worker said his father is still alive.
 ***   To which Mr.
Trump replied, “That’s not what I meant, Shorty.”

On this date in history:  Mar 12, 1912 – Captain Albert Berry performs the first parachute
jump from an airplane.
 ***   Unfortunately, after leaping from the plane, he suddenly
remembered that he had been flying solo.

On this date in history:  Mar 12, 1933 – President Franklin D. Roosevelt conducts his first
"fireside chat."   
***  He had set aside his prepared remarks and just spoke from the hearth.

On this date in history:  Mar 12, 1951 – Baseball Commissioner Happy Chandler is voted
out of office.
  ***   The next day he applied for a name change.

Friday, Mar 9

Researchers at the University of California found that the part of the brain responsible
for the learning process stops producing new nerve cells after the teenage years
.  ***  
Actually, anyone at Best Buy could have told them that.  (However, after the scientific proof, the
university immediately shut down its adult education program.)   

Nashville mayor Megan Barry resigned after admitting that she had an extramarital affair
with a man in her security detail.
 ***  Hmm, as they say, “The devil is in the details.”

On this date in history:  Mar 9, 1822 – Charles M. Graham of New York patents artificial
 ***  He was immediately criticized by thousands of protestors yelling, “Fake chews!”

On this date in history:  Mar 9, 1858 – Albert Potts of Philadelphia patents the street
 ***  Or as the teenagers called it, “batting practice.”

On this date in history:  Mar 9, 1954 – The first local TV commercial in color is broadcast
in New York City by Castro Decorators.  
 ***   But even with the colorful ad they still had a tough
time convincing people to use a bearded guy wearing army fatigues and smoking a cigar to pick
out their wallpaper.

Thursday, Mar 8

A passenger on a SkyWest flight from San Francisco to Boise started shouting “I am
God!” and tried to open an exit door in mid-flight.
***  Apparently, even God has second
thoughts about going to Boise.

Former White House staffer Hope Hicks appeared before the House Investigation
Committee and told them she could not access two of her e-mail accounts because they
had been hacked.  
***   The congressmen told her to quit wasting their time and go to the
Congressional Help Desk.  (New tongue twister, say three times fast: “How many hackers could
hack Hope Hicks if Hope Hicks could be hacked?”)

On this date in history:  Mar 8, 1838 – The U.S. mint in New Orleans begins operation and
starts producing dimes.
  ***   However, every February they switch over to production of Mardi
Gras beads.

On this date in history:  Mar 8, 1855 – The first train crosses the first U.S. railway
suspension bridge, over Niagara Falls.
 ***   It was also the first train to really, really need an
onboard restroom.

On this date in history:  Mar 8, 1894 – New York passes the first state dog license law.  ***  
And yet politicians were still allowed to roam free.

Note:  Bill's Pills was on hiatus for a few days.

Thursday, Mar 1

Chairman Howard Schultz says Starbucks will be expanding faster because online
shopping has made so many brick-and-mortar stores suddenly available.
  ***  He didn’t
actually name the locations, but said the new Starbucks will have great floor space, several check-
out lanes and a lot of blue-light specials.

In the wake of numerous accusations of sexual impropriety, Harvey Weinstein’s company
is reportedly going to file for bankruptcy.
 ***   Harvey suggested the move after he heard
there were a lot of hot chicks working at the courthouse.

On this date in history:  Mar 1, 1847 – Michigan becomes the first English-speaking
jurisdiction to abolish the death penalty, except for treason against the state.
 ***   No,
treason does not include buying a foreign-made car.

On this date in history:  Mar 1, 1859 – The official seal of San Francisco is adopted.  ***  
No, it’s not the big gray one that did tricks for tourists down by Pier 39.

On this date in history:  Mar 1, 1941 – "Captain America" first appears in a comic book.  
***    No, he did not have orange hair and a string of hotels and golf courses.

Wednesday, Feb 28

Singer Neil Young recently vented at YouTube for profiting from songs without giving
payment or recognition to the musicians.
 ***  Uh, kinda like riding a horse all the way through
the desert and not even giving it a name.

Jared Kushner is disappointed that he just lost his interim top-secret security clearance
and will no longer be able to see certain classified documents, including the President’s
Daily Brief, communication intercepts,
 ***  and all the juicy details about the Stormy Daniels

On this date in history:  Feb 28, 1692 – The Salem witch hunt begins.   ***  Authorities began
rounding up dozens of women who had been accused of collaborating with the Russians.

On this date in history:  Feb 28, 1956 – Jay Forrester is issued a patent for a computer
core memory.  
***  But his big invention came years later, when he developed the concept of “help

On this date in history:  Feb 28, 1993 – “Seinfeld” wins the 7th American Comedy Award.
***  It was an award specifically for shows about nothing.

Tuesday, Feb 27

Police in Long Beach, California arrested a man for riding his horse on the freeway.  ***
The caught him as he was trying to pick up a hitchhiker so he could use the carpool lane.

BMW is recalling 11,400 cars that were given incorrect engine management software.  ***  
Numerous arrests of owners for aggressive driving led to the discovery that the programmer had
slipped in code from a Fast & Furious video game.

On this date in history:  Feb 27, 1678 – The Earl of Shaftesbury is freed from London
 ***  I believe he later became the inspiration for a song by Isaac Hayes.

On this date in history:  Feb 27, 1883 – Oscar Hammerstein patents the first cigar-rolling
 ***  That’s nice, but wouldn’t it be easier to just pick it up and carry it?

On this date in history:  Feb 27, 1939 – The Supreme Court outlaws sit-down strikes.  ***  
The majority opinion stated, “Hey, if they’re too tired to stand, they oughta give up and go home.
Next thing you know, they’re gonna want to bring chairs.”

Monday, Feb 26

People following the Mueller investigation say that Paul Manafort made a big mistake by
asking his associate to convert a computerized financial report to a different file format.
***   They said that seemed very suspicious, because normally you’d ask a 14 year old.

Kim Jong Un’s sister, who represented North Korea at the Olympics, is reportedly
  ***   There’s going to be big trouble in Pyongyang if the kid shows a special talent for

On this date in history:  Feb 26, 1732 – In Philadelphia, the first mass is celebrated in an
American Catholic church.
  ***   And, the following Tuesday was America’s first Bingo Night.

On this date in history:  Feb 26, 1907 – Members of the U.S. Congress raise their own
salary to $7,500.  
***  And that’s where it should have stayed.

On this date in history:  Feb 26, 1975 – The “Today Show” broadcasts the first televised
kidney transplant.
 ***  That was quite an accomplishment—it wasn’t easy to get those two
volunteers from the studio audience.

Friday, Feb 23

At this week’s White House press conference, press secretary Sarah Sanders gave the
first question to NBC’s Kristen Welker, who was wearing the same style dress as Ms.
 ***  At Ms. Sanders’ next press conference it is expected that a matching dress will be
worn by CNN”s Jim Acosta.

Several employees at Apple’s new, modernistic headquarters in California have been
injured walking into its glass walls.
 ***   That’s unusual—at most corporations employees
complain about bumping into a glass ceiling.

On this date in history:  Feb 23, 1940 – Walt Disney releases the animated movie
"Pinocchio," about a little boy who became human and eventually stopped lying all the
 ***  And those are
two reasons he was never successful in politics.

On this date in history:  Feb 23, 1945 – U.S. Marines raise a flag on Iwo Jima, as
memorialized in a famous photo and statue.  
 ***   The Pentagon is pleased and urges the
Army to continue attacking photogenic targets.

On this date in history:  Feb 23, 1970 – Holy Eucharist is given by women for the first time
in a Roman Catholic service.
 ***  Apparently all the men were golfing.

Thursday, Feb 22

At the Broadway premiere of Jimmy Buffet’s musical, “Escape to Margaritaville,” the bar
ran out of Margaritas.
 ***   That was even more embarrassing than the premiere of “Hamilton,”
when they ran out of $10 bills.

McDonald’s announced that it will no longer offer cheeseburgers in Happy Meals.   ***  
President Trump called the decision “sad,” but said he could live with it--as long as they don’t take
away the toys.

On this date in history:  Feb 22, 1821 – Spain sells Florida to United States for $5 million.   
***  They found that everyone there was too old to learn Spanish.

On this date in history:  Feb 22, 1903 – Due to an extreme drought, Niagara Falls runs
short of water.  
***  Hundreds of angry brides demanded a honeymoon do-over.

On this date in history:  Feb 22, 1924 – Calvin Coolidge holds the first presidential radio
 ***   “Hey, folks, this your buddy ‘Big Cal’ comin’ to you live on 1600 WHSE with all the
news and the tunes from Pennsylvania Avenue…”

Wednesday, Feb 21

After it was discovered that a man pictured on the Trump dating website home page was
a convicted felon, his image was immediately removed.  
***   And, in the interest of full
transparency, it then became the first dating site to change the name of the “Profiles” section to
“Fake News.”

Major League Baseball is implementing new rules to speed up the game.  ***  So, starting
with the 2018 season, pitchers can only throw fastballs.

On this date in history:  Feb 21, 1792 - Congress passes the Presidential Succession Act.  
***  However, there were some subtle indications of lobbyist influence when the succession order
was established as the Vice President, then the Speaker of the House, and then the President of
the NRA.

On this date in history:  Feb 21, 1804 – The world’s first locomotive, built by Richard
Trevithick, runs for the first time, in Wales.
 ***   He later patented the overall concept, the
design details and the term “choo-choo.”

On this date in history:  Feb 21, 1931 – Alka-Seltzer is introduced.  ***  Scientists said finding
the right active ingredients was easy, but it was tough to get a really good “Plop, plop, fizz, fizz”

Tuesday, Feb 20

Using x-ray technology, Northwestern University researchers have found that Picasso’s
masterpiece, “Crouching Woman,” was originally painted with one of the poor, sad lady’s
arms exposed.
 ***  Their research also revealed that Picasso had actually named the painting
“Grouchy Woman.”

Photos of a cute miniature cow called a “panda cow” have recently gone viral.  ***  Biology
experts say the small, attractive animal is technically a “beau-vine.”

On this date in history:  Feb 20, 1816 – Rossini's opera, "The Barber of Seville,"
premieres in Rome.  
 ***   Actualy, it had debuted previously with the title “Great Clips,” and
reduced ticket prices were available with coupons.

On this date in history:  Feb 20, 1865 – M.I.T. establishes the first U.S. school of
 ***   It required a sizeable investment in new classrooms, qualified instructors and a
really big box of Legos.

On this date in history:  Feb 20, 1962 – John Glenn becomes the first American to orbit
***  Since then, the only thing that has gone around the world faster is fake news.  

Friday, Feb 16

Prince Henrik of Denmark has died at the age of 83, but refused to be buried next to the
plot reserved for his wife, Queen Margrethe, because he was upset at never getting the
title of King.   ***
  I believe his gravestone sarcastically reads, “The Aristocrat STILL Known as

For the second year in a row Pakistan has banned the celebration of Valentine’s Day.  ***   
“Dear, I would have brought you flowers, but they banned Valentine’s Day.”  “Nice try, but that was
over in Pakistan.”  “Oh.”

On this date in history:  Feb 16, 1838 – Kentucky passes a law permitting women to attend
school under certain conditions.   
***  For example, if the guys need help with their homework.

On this date in history:  Feb 16, 1932 – The first patent issued for a tree goes to James
Markham for a peach tree.
  ***  Al Gore says that’s was nice but he would prefer to see tree
birth certificates.

On this date in history:  Feb 16, 1968 – Beatles George Harrison and John Lennon and
their wives fly to India for transcendental meditation study with the Maharishi Mahesh
  ***   It was part of Travelocity’s all-inclusive “psychedelic package.”

Thursday, Feb 15

Disney World has just raised the price of one-day passes by $5, so adults now have to
pay $129.
 ***  Park officials also announced that the “Pirates of the Caribbean” feature has been
replaced by a much more terrifying group of thieves and villains, “Pirates of the Ticket Booth.”

London police have detonated a 1,000 pound WWII bomb found near the London City
 ***  They said it had almost as much explosive power as the proposed visit by Donald

On this date in history:  Feb 15, 1689 – The German parliament declares war on France.  
***  France says, “OK, but this is the last time, right?”

On this date in history:  Feb 15, 1895 – 9 inches of snow falls on New Orleans.   ***  
Unfortunately, everyone was too hung over from Mardi Gras to notice.

On this date in history:  Feb 15, 1981 – A rocket-powered ice sled reaches 250 mph on
Lake George in New York.  
***  The sled’s designers immediately celebrated, until they realize
they forgot brakes.

Wednesday, Feb 14

According to former Trump assistant Omarosa, Vice President Mike Pence claims that
Jesus tells him to say things.
 ***  Determined to stay ahead of this story, White House lawyers
immediately launched a background check on Jesus.

CNN announced it is undergoing a restructuring and cutting several dozen jobs.  ***  To
reduce expenses, network officials said they’re eliminating the entire fake news department.

On this date in history:  Feb 14, 1929 – The St. Valentine's Day massacre takes place on
Chicago’s North Side.  ***  
The seven victims were the only men in Chicago with an acceptable
excuse for not bringing home flowers and a card that night.

On this date in history:  Feb 14, 1978 –Texas Instruments patents the first "micro chip."  
***  It was the most important invention since the chocolate chip.

On this date in history:  Feb 14, 1988 – At 50 years old, Bobby Allison becomes oldest
driver to win the Daytona 500.  
 ***  He drove really well, but for the entire race he had his left
turn signal on.

Tuesday, Feb 13

The “Spice Girls” are planning a reunion tour this fall.  ***  For senior audiences, however,
they’ll be performing as the “Low-Salt and High-Fiber Girls.”

In the Olympics, a pair of Canadian figure skaters were urged to tone down their routine
after complaints that it was too sexy.
 ***  Officials said they didn’t mind the sensuality, but they
noticed the ice was starting to melt.

On this date in history:  Feb 13, 1633 – Astronomer Galileo arrives in Rome to go on trial
for professing that the earth revolves around the Sun.
 ***  Today, of course, everyone
knows that the earth revolves around the Kardashians.

On this date in history:  Feb 13, 1866 – Jesse James holds up his first bank in Liberty,
***  Since it was his first robbery, the bank also gave him a free toaster.

On this date in history:  Feb 13, 1992 – Jose Canseco repeatedly rams his Porsche into
wife Esther's BMW.
 ***  He was arrested and charged with a single count of yuppie road rage.

Monday, Feb 12

After a Florida woman was told she couldn’t bring her “support hamster” on her flight,
she flushed it down an airport toilet.   
***   Yes, that was a very sad ending, but for one bright,
shining moment the hamster thought he was getting a shiny porcelain cage with an in-ground pool.

The Winter Olympics have begun and the U.S. beat Russia in curling.   ***   I guess that’s
not surprising, since most Russians prefer to wear their hair straight.  

On this date in history:  Feb 12, 1908 – Anna Jeanes bequeaths $1,000,000 to Swarthmore
College to become all female.
 ***  I wonder if that’s how much it cost Caitlyn Jenner.

On this date in history:  Feb 12, 1949 – "Annie Get Your Gun" closes at Imperial Theater
in NYC after 1,147 performances.
  ***  It was the only play for which the audience had to come
back the following weekend for the second act because of the five day waiting period.

On this date in history:  Feb 12, 1955 – President Eisenhower sends the first US advisors
to South Vietnam.
 ***   He then turned to his aides and said, “Hey, what could go wrong?”

Friday, Feb 9

Officials at the Winter Olympics plan to distribute 110,000 condoms to the athletes.  ***  
But, in a nod to Darwin, no condoms will be given to anyone winning a gold medal.

A former Alaskan Airlines pilot is expected to plead guilty to flying while intoxicated.  ***  
Passengers on that flight became concerned when he got on the P.A. system and told some jokes
that were actually funny.

On this date in history:  Feb 9, 1674 – The English re-take New York from the Dutch.  ***  If
they hadn’t won, Central Park would now be the world’s largest tulip farm.

On this date in history:  Feb 9, 1885 – The first Japanese arrive in Hawaii.   ***   Conspiracy
theory: They just wanted to check out the harbor.

On this date in history:  Feb 9, 1920 – The Joint Rules Commission bans applying foreign
substances to baseballs.
 ***  All applied substances had to be made in the U.S.A.

Thursday, Feb 8

According to data from the Federal Highway Commission, 54,000 bridges in the U.S. are in
serious need of repair.
 ***  In fact, the one between the Democrat and Republican sides of the
aisle has become totally unusable.

Scientists in Japan have developed a banana with an edible peel.  ***   It’s for lazy monkeys.

On this date in history:  Feb 8, 1600 – The Vatican sentences scholar Giordano Bruno to
death.   *
**   On a positive note, however, he made the dean’s list.   

On this date in history:  Feb 8, 1802 - Simon Willard patents the banjo clock.   ***   It told
you when it was time to play the banjo.

On this date in history:  Feb 8, 1883 – Louis Waterman begins experiments to invent the
fountain pen.
 ***  And his wife starts looking for ways to remove ink stains.

Wednesday, Feb 7

Gloria Copeland, one of President Trump’s evangelistic advisors, says that we do not
need to get vaccinated against the flu because “Jesus himself” gave us the shots.
She later issued a correction and admitted it only applies to people with the Obamacare Gold Plan.

North Korea finally got around to slamming President Trump’s State of the Union
 ***  First Kim Jung Un had to take care of all his officials who got caught up in the
excitement on TV and kept standing up and clapping with the Republicans.

On this date in history:  Feb 7, 1876 – President Grant's private secretary, Orville
Babcock, is acquitted in the Whiskey Ring bribery scandal, where distillers only paid a
tax of 35 cents per gallon instead of 70 cents.
 ***  The distillers pleaded not guilty of any
wrongdoing, and said they paid during Happy Hour.

On this date in history:  Feb 7, 1877 – The Guernsey Cattle Club is established in New
York City.  
***   However, it was soon disbanded because the cattle just wouldn’t behave

On this date in history:  Feb 7, 1993 – Pebbles Flintstone and Bamm Bamm Rubble get
 ***  Predictably, it was a rocky marriage.

Tuesday, Feb 6

A Massachusetts man has been arrested for marrying several women from Africa to help
them immigrate in exchange for money.  
 ***   Authorities became suspicious when he was
spotted at Cosco buying a 12-pack of engagement rings.

“Harry Potter” author J.K. Rowling is being criticized because in the series she only
hinted that one of the characters, Albus Dumbledore, is gay.
 ***  So, I’m guessing the
“Chamber of Secrets” is a closet?

On this date in history:  Feb 6, 1778 – France recognizes the United States and signs an
aid treaty, and England immediately declares war on France.
 ***   And that, children, is why
we always celebrate February 6th as “International Pick-a-Side Day.”

On this date in history:  Feb 6, 1918 – Britain grants women over age 30 the right to vote.  
***  Which pretty much guaranteed that not a single woman under the age of 40 would be seen at
the polls.

On this date in history:  Feb 6, 1997 – In England, Diane Blood wins the right to use her
dead husband’s sperm.  ***  
 The judge said, “OK, but no other parts.”

Monday, Feb 5

In Bradenton, Florida, a loaded grenade launcher was found in a pile of Goodwill donations.   ***   Apparently
someone had seriously misunderstood the term “Give ‘til it

The Massachusetts house once owned by Lizzie Borden is now for sale.  ***  The realtor
says it has a very reasonable axing price.

On this date in history:  Feb 5, 1861 – The first moving picture “peep show” machine is
patented by Samuel Goodale.
 ***   a.k.a. “Filthy Sam.”

On this date in history:  Feb 5, 1931 – Maxine Dunlap becomes the first women in the U.S.
to earn a glider pilot license.
 ***  It happened in the middle of a flight, when her engine quit.

On this date in history:  Feb 5, 1994 – "Where on Earth Is Carmen San Diego?" debuts on
Fox TV.
  ***   I believe it was about the government’s search for an illegal Mexican immigrant.