High Impact Humor

Joke Archives
(Jokes posted on the home page during the past 30 days)
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Monday, Nov 20

A study of retail stores shows that IKEA has one of the best return policies.  ***   In fact,
after you assemble the furniture you can get a partial refund just for returning all the leftover
pieces.

At a Vatican dinner for the homeless, Pope Francis said that helping the poor is a
“passport to paradise.”
  ***   But he also warned that paradise has a really tough policy of
extreme vetting.

On this date in history:  Nov 20, 1929 – Salvador Dali holds his first one-man art show.  ***  
But no one knew when it was time to open the doors because all the clocks were droopy.

On this date in history:  Nov 20, 1980 – United Artists withdraws the movie "Heaven's
Gate" for re-editing.
 ***  According to a studio spokesman, concerns arose after someone did
some fact-checking with the Bible.

On this date in history:  Nov 20, 1992 – Windsor Castle, the home of Queen Elizabeth,
catches fire.
***  According to the royal spokesman, installing electrically heated seats on the
throne had seemed like a good idea at the time.  
(But not such a good idea in “hindsight.”)     


Friday, Nov 17

President Trump said that during a break between meetings in the Philippines he was
“forced to watch CNN.”
 ***  But he assured his supporters that he put his hands over his eyes
and just peeked through his fingers.

Some McDonald’s restaurants are providing “phone lockers” so people can avoid phone
usage and actually talk with each other as they eat.
  ***   And in January McDonald’s will also
offer “diet lockers” so customers can put their New Year’s diet resolutions out of sight before they
order.

On this date in history:  Nov 17, 1278 – In England, 293 people were hanged for
counterfeiting coins.
  ***   As a parting shot, the hangman offered each one “A penny for your
thoughts.”

On this date in history:  Nov 17, 1800 – Congress holds its first session in the partially
constructed Capitol building.
 ***  Of course, the building has changed a lot since then; for
example, the aisle between the two parties has gotten considerably wider.

On this date in history:  Nov 17, 1977 – In the Miss World Contest, Miss UK wears a bikini
made out of platinum and worth $9,500.
 ***  But, she was upstaged by another contestant who
wore a platinum bikini only worth half as much.


Thursday, Nov 16

In a recent survey, several celebrity chefs said that sweet potato casserole lacks
substance, has no redeeming qualities and should never be included in a Thanksgiving
dinner.  
 ***    I believe they said the same thing about in-laws.

Charles Manson has been transferred from prison to a Bakersfield hospital and is
reportedly near death.
 ***  After a series of tests, doctors there concluded that he’s suffering
from a terminal case of helter-skelter.

On this date in history:  Nov 16, 1380 – French King Charles VI declares no taxes
forever.
 ***  He then defined forever as “longer than a year, but less than two.”  

On this date in history:  Nov 16, 1939 – Al Capone is paroled from prison, but was
suffering from syphilis.
 ***  Despite a lucrative offer, as he walked out the prison gates he
couldn’t even say, “I’m going to Disneyland!”

On this date in history:  Nov 16, 1963 – The touch-tone telephone is introduced.  ***  It
immediately doubled sales on the Home Shopping Network.


Wednesday, Nov 15

After backlash from Keurig’s decision to pull its advertising from Sean Hannity’s show,
the coffee machine company’s CEO said it was not their intention to “take sides” and
escalate that emotionally charged issue.
 ***   He said the situation could be resolved if
everyone would just calm down, take a deep breath and switch to decaf.  

In Indianapolis, two women pulled up to a McDonald’s drive-thru window to complain
about an earlier order, then crawled through the window and attacked the manager.
 ***  
When will people ever learn—if you have complaints at the drive-thru you’re supposed to climb in
through the FIRST window.

On this date in history:  Nov 15, 1620 – Myles Standish leads 16 men on an exploration of
Cape Cod.
 ***   They reported finding several well-to-do Indian families living in really extravagant
teepees on some fantastic beachfront properties.

On this date in history:  Nov 15, 1763 – Charles Mason and Jeremiah Dixon begin
surveying between Pennsylvania and Maryland to establish the Mason-Dixon Line.  
***   
Or, as it was first known, the Chuck & Jerry Line.

On this date in history:  Nov 15, 1932 – The Walt Disney Art School is established.  ***  The
first curriculum included Drawing 101—Mice, Drawing 102—Ducks, and Drawing 103—Dogs.


Tuesday, Nov 14

Starbucks chairman Howard Shultz is denying rumors that he’s thinking of running for
president.
  ***   He said it’s just a coincidence that Starbucks’ newest drinks are the Oval Office
Latte, West Wing Mocha and Rose Garden Macchiato.

Fans of TV host Sean Hannity are destroying their Keurig coffeemakers because the
manufacturer pulled its advertising when Hannity refused to denounce a sexual
predator.
 ***  I guess they feel it’s another case where the Keurig is worse than the sleaze. (Yes,
that one was a stretch.)

On this date in history:  Nov 14, 1380 – King Charles VI of France is crowned at age 12.   
***   “No, Chucky can’t come out to play today. He needs to declare war on England, sentence
several people to the guillotine, issue some proclamations in crayon, and take a nap.”

On this date in history:  Nov 14, 1910 – The first airplane flight from the deck of a ship
takes place in Norfolk, Virginia.
  ***  It was part of Travelocity’s new “Cruise and Fly” package.

On this date in history:  Nov 14, 1960 – Ray Charles' "Georgia On My Mind" reaches #1.   
***  In his senior years he recorded a second version, “Georgia Slipped My Mind.”


Monday, Nov 13

The Indian city of Hyderabad is clearing all the beggars off the streets in preparation for
a visit by Ivanka Trump later this month.
 ***   Authorities said it’s just not fair to let innocent
people get harassed by aggressive sales pitches for high fashion.

A former Trump bodyguard says that in 2013 the Russians arranged for five prostitutes to
be offered to Mr. Trump.
 ***  It was recognized that this could destroy a reputation, but the
prostitutes accepted anyway.

On this date in history:  Nov 13, 1775 – Benjamin Franklin writes, "Nothing is certain but
death and taxes."  
***  Although not usually in that order.

On this date in history:  Nov 13, 1851 – The first settlers land at Alki Point, which would
later become Seattle, Washington.
***  One of the settlers, a Mr. Starbuck, immediately brews a
pot of coffee to celebrate and writes everyone’s name on their cup.

On this date in history:  Nov 13, 1933 – The first modern sit-down strike is carried out by
Hormel meat packers in Minnesota.  
***  It was the first sit-down strike in which the strikers
insisted on chairs.


Friday, Nov 10

Speaking in St. Peter’s Square, Pope Francis said, “It makes me very sad when I say
Mass and I see so many cell phones in the air.
”  ***  And he said he really gets ticked off when
someone interrupts his homily to ask for the Wi-Fi password.

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell is reportedly furious over proposed changes to his
next contract.
 ***  In fact, when negotiations start he plans to show his displeasure by taking a
knee.

On this date in history:  Nov 10, 1619 – René Descartes has dreams that inspire his
"Meditations on First Philosophy."  
 ***  And all it took was a double dose of Nyquil.

On this date in history:  Nov 10, 1864 – Kingston, Georgia is burned during Sherman's
March to the Sea.
 ***   Sherman’s orders to his men were clear:  March relentlessly toward the
sea, burn anything that stands in your way, and don’t EVER stop and ask for directions.

On this date in history:  Nov 10, 1954 – John Stapp travels 632 mph in a rocket sled.  ***  
He really flew by all the other little kids on the slope.


Thursday, Nov 9

University of Cambridge scientists have found that sheep can recognize human faces.  
***  Ah yes, who could ever forget their first date?

In conservative Saudi Arabia, eleven Saudi princes accused of corruption are being held
at the Ritz-Carlton Riyadh, where they’re confined to the ballroom.  
 ***   Then every
evening a dance band comes in and they’re required to waltz, tango and foxtrot.

On this date in history:  Nov 9, 1865 – General Robert E. Lee surrenders to General
Ulysses S. Grant at Appomattox.
 ***   Grant refused Lee’s request that they go for best two out
of three.

On this date in history:  Nov 9, 1927 – The Giant Panda is discovered in China.   ***   Many
years later, however, that was overshadowed when tourists discovered Panda Express.

On this date in history:  Nov 9, 1965 – Several U.S. states and parts of Canada are hit by a
series of blackouts lasting up to 13 hours in the “Northeast Blackout of 1965.”
 ***  Today,
the government declares a state of emergency for any power outage that lasts longer than cell
phones can hold their charge.   


Wednesday, Nov 8

President Trump's planned trip to Korea’s DMZ was canceled because of fog.  ***  He
reportedly looked out the window and said, “Hey, I can’t golf in that crap.”

Actor Chuck Norris is suing several medical professionals, claiming that his wife was
poisoned when doctors injected her with Gadolinium to enhance her MRI image.
***  Mr.
Norris said everyone knows that if you want to enhance an image you should hire a PR firm.

On this date in history:  Nov 8, 1789 – In Bourbon, Kentucky, Elijah Craig makes the first
batch of bourbon whiskey, distilled from corn.
 ***   Unfortunately, his mother said that didn’t
count as “eating your vegetables.”

On this date in history:  Nov 8, 1895 – German physicist Wilhelm Roentgen produces and
detects electromagnetic radiation in a wavelength range now known as “X-rays.”
  ***  
However, the discovery didn’t find any practical applications until it was used to provide exceptional
vision powers for Superman.

On this date in history:  Nov 8, 1966 – Movie actor Ronald Reagan is elected governor of
California.
***  In 1970 he was re-elected for a second term, or, as they call it in California, a
sequel.


Tuesday, Nov 7

There are reports that Walt Disney Company is going to buy 21st Century Fox.  *** They
plan to change the name to 21st Century Mouse.

President Trump broke with the tradition of his predecessors and did not bow when he
met Japan’s 83 year old emperor.
 ***  A White House spokesman explained that Mr. Trump only
bows for ice cream, professional golfers and the NRA.

On this date in history:  Nov 7, 1492 – The “Ensisheim Meteorite” strikes a wheat field
outside the French village of Ensisheim.
  ***  And that was the beginning of shredded wheat.

On this date in history:  Nov 7, 1918 – United Press erroneously reports that the WW I
armistice had been signed.
 ***  And that was the beginning of fake news.

On this date in history:  Nov 7, 1933 – Pennsylvania voters overturn the blue laws and
permit Sunday sports.
 ***   At first it was just on a trial basis to see if they’d be struck down by
lightning.


Monday, Nov 6

Blac Chyna apparently has herself a new boyfriend, rapper Playboi Carti.   ***   Ah, true
love—there’s nothing like a relationship based on a shared inability to spell.

The name of the Twitter employee who shut down President Trump’s Twitter account for
11 minutes has not yet been revealed.   ***
  In order to protect his privacy, company officials
are referring to him only as “hero.”

On this date in history:  Nov 6, 1528 – Shipwrecked Spanish conquistador Alvar de Vaca
becomes the first known European to set foot in Texas.
 ***   All helmet, no cattle.

On this date in history:  Nov 6, 1879 – Canada celebrates its first Thanksgiving Day.  ***  
They held theirs in early November so they could give all the leftover cranberry sauce to America.

On this date in history:  Nov 6, 1918 – The Republic of Poland is proclaimed.  ***  So, how
many…oh, never mind.


Friday, Nov 3

At this year’s British Bonfire Night, the infamous celebrity to be burned in effigy is
disgraced Hollywood mogul Harvey Weinstein.
 *** Upon hearing the news, Mr. Weinstein said
the burning was cruel and humiliating…but he might be interested in the movie rights.

Production of “House of Cards” has been suspended due to all the recent sexual abuse
allegations against Kevin Spacey.
 ***  However, producers say they are looking forward to their
new spinoff series, “House of Subpoenas.”  

On this date in history:  Nov 3, 1813 – The Indian village at Talladega, Alabama is
destroyed by U.S. troops under the command of General Coffee.
 ***  I think it’s safe to say
the Indians did not look forward to Coffee in the morning.  

On this date in history:  Nov 3, 1917 – First class mail postage is raised to 3 cents.  ***   
Some people will point out that 3 cents was a lot of money back in those days.  Actually, that’s not
true.  3 cents was never a lot of money.

On this date in history:  Nov 3, 1930 – The Bank of Italy becomes the Bank of America.  ***   
Wait a minute—shouldn’t they have thought about that at the beginning?


Thursday, Nov 2

74 year old Mick Jagger now has a 23 year old girlfriend.  ***   How disgusting—he’s old
enough to be her ancestor.  

TV viewers in Britain are furious that a judge on “The Great British Bake-Off”
inadvertently tweeted the name of the winner before the show aired.
 ***  Meanwhile,
Scotland Yard is investigating claims that the Russians had meddled in the selection process.

On this date in history:  Nov 2, 1675 – In “King Philip's War,” the Plymouth, Rhode Island,
Massachusetts Bay and Connecticut colonies attack the Great Swamp Fort  
 ***   The fort
was originally built by politicians to protect the swamp from people wanting to drain it.

On this date in history:  Nov 2, 1972 – Government of the Republic of Ireland introduces a
bill to remove the special position of the Catholic Church from the Irish Constitution.
 ***  
In a shocking move, the legislature declared that any religious group can hold a bingo night.

On this date in history:  Nov 2, 2000 – The first crew arrives at the International Space
Station.
 ***   That was quite an honor for them; as the first residents, they got to pick the
appliances, the carpeting and the drapes.


Wednesday, Nov 1

On Halloween, TV host Wendy Williams fainted while wearing a Statue of Liberty
costume.
 ***  She got frightened when she was suddenly approached by mobs of huddled
masses yearning to breathe free.

Delta plans to hire 1,000 new flight attendants.  ***  Candidates will be tested on their ability to
always remain friendly, take charge in emergency situations and yank passengers out of
overbooked seats.

On this date in history:  Nov 1, 1834 – First documented reference to the Mississippi
riverboat card game known as poker.  
 ***   I believe it was mentioned in a woman’s divorce
papers.

On this date in history:  Nov 1, 1915 – Parris Island is officially designated a Marine Corps
recruit depot.
 ***   Clueless recruits prepared for their trip to Parris Island by learning French.

On this date in history:  Nov 1, 1959 – Jacques Plante becomes the first goaltender to
wear a mask during an NHL game.
 ***   But it didn’t work—everyone still knew who he was.


Tuesday, Oct 31

Frustrated by differences in their travel schedules, Selena Gomez has broken up with
Abel Tesfaye, the singer and songwriter known as “The Weekend.”  
 ***   Mr. Tesfaye was
stunned, and claimed he was always there for Selena, 24/2.

Former president George H.W. Bush has apologized for touching women on their
backsides and joking, “I’m David Cop-a-feel.”
  ***  Well, I guess that finally explains that
embarrassing international incident at Buckingham Palace.

On this date in history:  Oct 31, 1541 – Michelangelo finishes painting The Last
Judgement in the Sistine Chapel.  ***  
 Oh.  I thought The Last Judgement was the season
finale of “People’s Court.”

On this date in history:  Oct 31, 1964 – Barbra Streisand's "People" album goes #1 for 5
weeks.
 ***  However, sales dropped off significantly when a scientific study showed that people
who need people aren’t really the luckiest people in the world.

On this date in history:  Oct 31, 1992 – The Roman Catholic Church reinstates Galileo
Galilei after 359 years.
 ***  However, his descendants were required to make up the 18,668
Sunday envelope offerings he had missed.


Monday, Oct 30

Michael Moore’s play, “The Terms of my Surrender,” has closed on Broadway, but Mr.
Moore said producing it was “the most artistically gratifying experience of my life.”
 ***  
He said he especially liked the unlimited access to the snack bar.

A recent article on Livestrong.com gives 9 signs that your relationship is in trouble.  ***  
Sign #1:  Your partner is reading the same article.

On this date in history:  Oct 30, 1945 – The U.S. government announces the end of shoe
rationing.
 ***  During the war, Americans were limited to wearing only one per foot.

On this date in history:  Oct 30, 1954 – Pro basketball begins using the 24-second shot
clock.
***  If a player doesn’t shoot within 24 seconds, a loud buzzer sounds to wake up the fans.

On this date in history:  Oct 30, 1989 – The Smith Dairy in Orrville, Ohio makes the world’s
largest milk shake (1,575 gallons).
  ***   Actually, it was never quite finished—they’re still waiting
for an earthquake to come along and shake it.


Friday, Oct 27

Haribo, a German candy company, has promised an internal investigation after a TV
documentary revealed abusive labor practices.
 ***    In one unbelievable example, a black &
white video clip showed two frantic women struggling to keep up with all the chocolates coming
down a speeding conveyor belt.   

The Cuban government denies that it has been harassing and harming U.S. embassy
employees with sonic devices that generate blaring, screeching, debilitating noises.
***  
Investigators found that it was just a neighbor watching “The View” at full volume.

On this date in history:  Oct 27, 312 – Constantine the Great is said to have received his
famous Vision of the Cross.  ***  
 He admitted it wasn’t a very clear vision, since the room was
filled with some sweet-smelling smoke at the time.

On this date in history:  Oct 27, 1913 – President Woodrow Wilson says the United States
will never attack another country.
 ***  Today, Vladimir Putin has a similar philosophy; he
annexes other countries, declares them to be part of Russia, and then attacks them.

On this date in history:  Oct 27, 1925 – Water skis are patented by Fred Waller.  ***  
Previously, people just tied themselves to a rope and had a boat drag them around the lake.


Thursday, Oct 26

The United Talent Agency has dropped former Fox News personality Bill O’Reilly as a
client.
 ***  An agency spokesman said that despite Mr. O’Reilly’s claims, buying your way out of
lawsuits is not actually a talent.

The U.S. Park Service is considering doubling admission fees to $70 to see the beauty of
the Grand Canyon, Yellowstone and 15 other national parks.
 ***   However, for only $10 you
can drive up to the entrance and have a park ranger describe it to you.

On this date in history:  Oct 26, 1492 – Lead pencils are used for the first time.  ***  It wasn’t
easy to develop a design that was durable, erasable and chewable.

On this date in history:  Oct 26, 1774 – The “Minute Men” are organized to provide
protection in the Colonies.   ***
 And the “Minute Maids” were organized to make everybody
orange juice.

On this date in history:  Oct 26, 1861 – The Pony Express ends.   ***   The horses refused to
face another season of carrying all those Christmas presents (and having reindeer get the credit).


Wednesday, Oct 25

Blac Chyna is suing the Kardashians for defamation of character, and her lawyer, Lisa
Bloom, accused the famous family of “slut-shaming.”
 ***  Ms. Bloom went on to vigorously
defend her client, pointing out that Chyna is proud to be a slut.

Grocery stores in Hawaii are seeing an upsurge in thefts of the canned meat Spam.   ***  
Prosecutors say if the thieves are apprehended they’ll be charged with second-degree Delete.

On this date in history:  Oct 25, 1521 – Emperor Charles V bans wooden buildings in
Amsterdam
 ***  Fathers grumble as they try to build kids’ tree houses with bricks.

On this date in history:  Oct 25, 1938 – The Archbishop of Dubuque denounces Swing
music as "a degenerated musical system, turned loose to gnaw away at the moral fiber of
young people, that leads down a primrose path to hell."
 ***  Obviously the Archbishop was
wrong—that’s the description of Rock & Roll.

On this date in history:  Oct 25, 1988 – Geraldo Rivera hosts a TV special, "Devil Worship:
Exposing Satan's Underground."
  ***  No, Mr. Trump, it wasn’t about the media.


Tuesday, Oct 24

A Long Island woman and her two adult children have been arrested and accused of
seven robberies, including two Family Dollar stores and a Dollar Tree.  
 ***   Bail was set at
$1 each or three for $2.

CNN is launching its new tag line, “Facts First,” with an ad showing an apple and a
narrator saying some people claim it’s a banana.
 ***  Then Anthony Weiner comes on and
says, “You want a banana?  I’ll show you a banana…”

On this date in history:  Oct 24, 1931 – Gangster Al Capone is sentenced to 11 years for
tax evasion.
 ***  He failed to convince the jury it was all due to a programming error in Turbo Tax.

On this date in history:  Oct 24, 1938 – Congress passes a law prohibiting child labor in
factories.
  ***   Lawmakers said young children should be allowed to go where they belong --  
working in the fields.

On this date in history:  Oct 24, 1939 – In Wilmington, Delaware, nylon stockings go on
sale for first time.  
***  At first, everyone wanted a pair, but eventually most of the men changed
their minds.


Monday, Oct 23

Despite not having any serious injuries, a skateboarder is planning to sue Dr. Phil after
being hit by his Mercedes.
 ***  In fact, the victim has already submitted a five-page deposition
describing how it made him feel.

Thieves in Columbus, Ohio broke into an exclusive Louis Vuitton store by driving
through the front door with a U-Haul van.
 ***   The store owner was distraught that it wasn’t a
Bentley or a Rolls.

On this date in history:  Oct 23, 4004 BC – Creation of the world begins, according to the
calculations of Archbishop James Ussher.
 ***   Unfortunately, even as a youngster, Jimmy
never was very good at math.

On this date in history:  Oct 23, 1694 – American colonial forces, led by Sir William Phipps,
fail to seize Quebec.  ***
 Actually, the town tried to surrender, but Mr. Phipps just didn’t
understand French.

On this date in history:  Oct 23, 1941 – Disney releases the feature cartoon "Dumbo."  ***  I
believe it was the studio’s first installment in its “Animals that Shouldn’t Fly” series.