| High Impact Humor Joke Archives (Jokes posted on the home page during the past 30 days) |
Friday, Apr 20 A man in the Detroit suburb of Westland caused a 5-car pile-up, then stripped naked and started dancing in the middle of the street. *** Just another Michigan audition for “America’s Got Talent.” The White House is walking back accusations that outspoken Nikky Haley was “confused” when she announced more Russian sanctions, and now they’re saying the President’s last-minute change was mistakenly not communicated to her. *** As the old saying goes, “There’s many a slip ‘twixt the Trump and the Lip.” On this date in history: April 20, 1505 - Jews are expelled from Orange Burgundy. *** There weren’t too many complaints because they thought it was a lousy color anyway. On this date in history: April 20, 1872 – The San Francisco Bar Association is organized. *** Although it was a little embarrassing when all the city’s bartenders showed up. On this date in history: April 20, 1981 – The final episode of the TV show "Soap" is broadcast. *** It was replaced by a spin-off series, “Rinse.” Thursday, Apr 19 After a judge’s ruling in California, Starbucks there will need to post warnings about the health dangers of drinking coffee. *** Meanwhile, after the arrest of two men waiting in a Pennsylvania Starbucks, shops in that state will need to post warnings about the dangers of not drinking coffee. President Trump said he will walk out of any meeting with North Korean leader Kim Jung Un if the talks are not fruitful. *** Or if they don’t have Diet Coke, Big Macs and ice cream. On this date in history: April 19, 1770 – Captain James Cook lands in Australia for the first time. *** After seeing a platypus, a kangaroo and a boomerang, he immediately decided to stop drinking. On this date in history: April 19, 1919 – The French assembly passes legislation for an 8 hour work day. *** That was for themselves; all the citizens had to continue with the standard 12. On this date in history: April 19, 1934 – Shirley Temple appears in her first movie, "Stand Up and Cheer." *** It was ever so entertaining. Wednesday, Apr 18 Studies at UCLA have found that excessive time spent sitting can physically affect certain regions of the brain. *** Researchers say these results seem to support common accusations about where some people’s heads are located. The staff of “Good Morning America” is reportedly happy that Lara Spencer is being cut back from five days a week to only three, because she’s abrasive and “yells at people.” *** They’re thankful for the two days where they won’t have to wear earplugs. On this date in history: Apr 18, 1663 – Osman declares war on Austria. *** Since no one today ever heard of Osman, it’s a safe bet that Austria won that one. On this date in history: Apr 18, 1968 – London Bridge is sold to a U.S. company and later erected over Lake Havasu in Arizona. *** Efforts to bring over the Thames River were not as successful. On this date in history: Apr 18, 1988 – Barbra Streisand records "Warm All Over." *** I believe it was a love song about global warming Tuesday, Apr 17 Fox News’ Sean Hannity, who was identified as the third client of pay-off lawyer Michael Cohen, said he only used Mr. Cohen for real estate deals. *** For example, keeping someone quiet by offering them a house. The company that makes Necco Wafers is going out of business. *** Ah yes, the candy that made all us little Catholic kids expect that communion wafers would be fruit flavored. On this date in history: April 17, 1521 – Martin Luther is excommunicated from the Roman Catholic Church. *** Not only is he barred from receiving the sacraments, but he is also banned from bingo nights, fish fries and the annual church picnic. On this date in history: April 17, 1272 – Zita, an Italian maid, dies at age 59, and later becomes a saint. *** So, we’re pretty sure she never worked for the Schwarzenegger family. On this date in history: April 17, 1824 – Russia abandons all North American claims south of 54º 40' N. *** However, they are now rumored to be reconsidering. Monday, Apr 16 Arnold Schwarzenegger is reportedly recovering nicely from his recent emergency open heart surgery. *** In fact, he has already been asking for a television, reading material and maid service. Donald Trump has just granted a pardon to Scooter Libby. *** And his wife, Motorcycle Mama. On this date in history: April 16, 1917 – Lenin returns to Russia to start the Bolshevik Revolution. *** He reportedly gave a short speech and then presided over a very nice ribbon cutting. On this date in history: April 16, 1922 – Annie Oakley sets a record by breaking 100 clay targets in a row. *** She dropped the box. On this date in history: April 16, 1986 – To dispel rumors that he's dead, Moammar Qadhafi appears on TV. *** Yeah, every once in a while Larry King does the same thing. Friday, Apr 13 Yesterday was National Grilled Cheese Day. *** In honor of the occasion, a congressional committee grilled the big cheese at Facebook. At the White House Easter festivities, Donald Trump Jr. mocked Hillary Clinton’s labeling of Trump supporters by wearing a lapel pin that said “Deplorable.” *** Apparently, you can’ t wear that pin until you earn it. On this date in history: Apr 13, 1741 – Dutch citizens stage a protest over the bad quality of bread. *** In hindsight, “tulip bread” was a bad idea from the start. On this date in history: Apr 13, 1860 – The first Pony Express run arrives in Sacramento. *** Unfortunately, it was supposed to go to San Francisco. On this date in history: Apr 13, 1959 – The Vatican forbids Roman Catholics from voting for communists. *** It was apparent the Church was getting too involved when authorities started collecting ballots in wicker baskets with long handles. Thursday, Apr 12 In Idaho Falls, Idaho, a flock of fifty geese fell from the sky after being struck by lightning. *** I guess everyone has a limit to how much of that squawking they can stand. Airbus is designing a plane with sleeping berths in the cargo hold. *** To get onboard, passengers will be thrown onto a conveyer belt. On this date in history: Apr 12, 1858 – The first U.S. billiards championship is held in Detroit. *** However, organizers regretted their choice of venue when the event was delayed after someone stole all the balls. On this date in history: Apr 12, 1934 – The highest velocity wind ever recorded on Mount Washington in New Hampshire hits 231 mph. *** Previously, wind strength at the top of the mountain was determined by throwing a small man into the air and seeing what state he landed in. On this date in history: Apr 12, 1954 – Joe Turner releases "Shake, Rattle & Roll." *** And it’s still better than any exercise video. Wednesday, Apr 11 According to Mark Zuckerberg’s prep notes for the senate Facebook hearing, if he got attacked he was to answer, “Respectfully, I reject that; it’s not who we are.” *** Then he would hold up an emoji with a sad face and a tear. Mr. Zuckerberg, who is 5’ 7”, sat on a 4-inch cushion during his 5-hour testimony. *** I guess you have to do stuff like that when your Facebook profile says you’re 6’ 2”. On this date in history: April 11, 1984 – Challenger astronauts complete the first in-space satellite repair. *** The repair work was fairly quick, once they found the duct tape. On this date in history: April 11, 1907 – New York Giant Roger Bresnahan becomes the first catcher to wear shin guards. *** It was to protect his legs from the batter’s chewing tobacco. On this date in history: April 11, 1991 – NYC's “Museum of Broadcasting” becomes "Museum of Television & Radio." *** And soon it will be changed to “Museum of Live Streaming & Downloads.” Tuesday, Apr 10 EPA head Scott Pruitt has defended his security expenditures by saying he has received threats of violence for rolling back numerous environmental protections, but the agency has no evidence of any such threats. *** Except for a few occasions when he was bitch- slapped by Mother Nature. The oldest person in the world, Violet Moss Brown, has died in Jamaica at the age of 117. She reportedly enjoyed the Bible, avoided rum and ate cows’ feet. *** Well, that would explain all the short cows. On this date in history: Apr 10, 1825 – The first hotel in Hawaii opens its doors. *** Travelocity gave it its highest rating: 5 Pineapples. On this date in history: Apr 10, 1841 – The “New York Tribune" begins publishing under editor Horace Greeley. *** Mr. Greely later inspired many men when he famously advised, “Go West, young man,” thus leaving him alone in the East with all the women. On this date in history: Apr 10, 1942 – Cigarettes are rationed in Holland. *** For the remainder of WWII, Dutch cigarettes smelled an awful lot like tulips. Monday, Apr 9 An app created by Nike and the meditation website Headspace offers runners encouragement on unlocking strength and peace from within. *** After some unfortunate incidents with earlier versions, the app was upgraded to also include the philosophy of looking both ways before crossing the street. Apple CEO Tim Cook says if he were “king for a day” he would eliminate Wall Street’s focus on quarterly financial results. *** But, he also said he wouldn’t want to be king for any longer than a day because he couldn’t stand the pay cut. On this date in history: Apr 9, 1865 – Robert E. Lee surrenders to Ulysses S. Grant at Appomattox. *** Despite pleas from their agents, they both agreed there would be no re-match. On this date in history: Apr 9, 1878 – First Lady Lucy Hayes begins the egg rolling tradition on the White House lawn. *** Things like that can happen when you stagger home drunk at night and wake up in the back yard. On this date in history: Apr 9, 1909 – The first group outbreak of the charismatic “gift of tongues” takes place in Los Angeles. *** In later years, the sudden onset of incoherent speech would become very common at meetings of the Bob Dylan Society. Friday, Apr 6 Matt Lauer has finally vacated the Hamptons home he shared with his estranged wife and children. He had been concerned about how it might look if he moved out. *** I believe the answer is: “Better.” This week a huge fire broke out on Scotland’s Isle of Rum. *** Firefighters, led by a Captain Morgan, have been fighting the blaze with ice and several truckloads of Coke. On this date in history: Apr 6, 1516 – A. Willaert is installed as Cardinal Ippolito’s official singer. *** Wait. Oh, OK—I thought it said “swinger.” On this date in history: Apr 6, 1925 – A British Air flight features the first film shown on an airplane. *** Actually, passengers in first class got the movie; the ones in coach just got the popcorn. On this date in history: Apr 6, 1930 – The Hostess Twinkie is invented by James Dewar, a bakery executive. *** Yeah, I kinda figured he wasn’t a health expert. Thursday, Apr 5 Effective today, Starbucks is bringing back Happy Hour, starting with 50% off espresso from 3:00 PM to closing time. *** In a related move, the company also announced that it has entered into a business partnership with Ambien. As the new spokesperson for a legal advice website, Lindsay Lohan reached out to President Trump to offer the services of her employer, Lawyer.com. *** The president thanked her for the kind offer but said he was getting all the expert advice he needs from his favorite source, Me.com. On this date in history: Apr 5, 1614 – Indian princess Pocahontas marries English colonist John Rolfe. *** They had registered for gifts at Bed, Bath and Be-wigwam. On this date in history: Apr 5, 1806 – Isaac Quintard patents apple cider. *** He then followed up with the invention of cinnamon donuts. On this date in history: Apr 5, 1939 – Membership in Hitler Youth becomes obligatory for German children. *** I believe it was also called the “1-H Club” Wednesday, Apr 4 A woman in Phoenix was arrested after waking up her son for Easter church services with a stun gun. *** She later apologized to authorities and said the only reason she even has the device is in case he falls asleep during the sermon. The 1965 Fender Telecaster played by Bob Dylan will be auctioned off at the Hard Rock Café in New York City next month. *** In honor of Mr. Dylan, the auctioneer has promised to be totally unintelligible. On this date in history: Apr 4, 1818 – Congress changes the U.S. flag to 13 red stripes and 13 white stripes, with 20 stars. *** The meaningful design reflected the fact that there were 13 original states and Congress got 20 paid holidays. On this date in history: Apr 4, 1828 – In Amsterdam, Casparus van Wooden patents chocolate milk powder. *** I believe he was also the Dutch guy who invented Wooden shoes. On this date in history: Apr 4, 1896 – Discovery of gold in the Yukon is announced. *** “Nothin’ up here folks. Nope. Just a bunch of trees, bears and snow. Y’all stay home now.” Tuesday, Apr 3 On Fox News, Kellyanne Conway strongly denied recent accusations that she is the biggest leaker in the White House. She said the president “knows who the leakers and the liars are.” *** In fact, most of them put it on their application form. In Rome, authorities had to seal off part of the St. Peters Cathedral after chunks of plaster fell down, endangering visitors. *** However, there were brisk sales of the new Vatican T-shirt, “I got plastered at St. Peters.” On this date in history: Apr 3, 1645 – The English parliament passes the “Self-Denying Ordinance,” which said that members of parliament could not also be members of the military. *** The next day they passed the “Self-Affirming Ordinance,” where they all looked in a mirror and said, “Because I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone—people like me!” On this date in history: Apr 3, 1964 – The U.S. and Panama agree to resume diplomatic relations. *** But first, the U.S. had to apologize for making fun of Panama hats. On this date in history: Apr 3, 1985 – In London, Vic Elliot pockets 15,780 pool balls in 24 hours. *** Must have been big pockets. Monday, April 2 Forty life-size wax figures of Amish people are for sale in Lancaster, Pennsylvania. *** They were rented out to Amish who wanted to drive their buggies in the carpool lane. (It actually worked great, until the weather turned warm…) Keith Villa, the man who created Blue Moon beer, is now developing a beer that’s made with THC, the active compound in marijuana. *** You just set the mug down in front of you and inhale. On this date in history: Apr 2, 1827 – Joseph Dixon begins manufacturing lead pencils. *** They were initially a tough sell, as people thought, “Wow, must be heavy.” On this date in history: Apr 2, 1954 – Plans to build Disneyland are announced. *** Walt Disney himself assured the public they could look forward to exciting rides, live cartoon characters and mind-boggling increases in ticket prices. On this date in history: Apr 2, 1978 – "Dallas" premieres on CBS as a 5 week mini-series. *** They soon extended it, as it took four seasons just to introduce all the characters who wanted to shoot JR. Friday, Mar 30 According to the L.A. Times, it now costs more to house a prisoner for one year than it does to send someone to Harvard. *** Prison officials haven’t released details of their new cost savings plan, but sources say that at future Harvard commencements a lot of caps and gowns are going to be orange. At a recent White House event, President Trump got a few laughs when he was asked what advice he’d give his 25 year old self and he replied, “Don’t run for president.” *** It was really funny because he said it in Russian. On this date in history: Mar 30, 1858 – Hyman Lipman of Philadelphia patents a “pencil with an attached eraser.” *** However, competitors were able to get around his patent by advertising “erasers with attached pencils.” On this date in history: Mar 30, 1865 – In Virginia, Union and Confederate soldiers fight the “Battle of 5 Forks.” *** I believe the results led to the now-famous adage: Don’t bring a fork to a gunfight. On this date in history: Mar 30, 1932 – Amelia Earhart becomes the first woman to fly solo cross the Atlantic. *** The amazing thing is that she went that long without someone to chat with. Thursday, Mar 29 Walmart has announced it will no longer display Cosmopolitan magazine at its checkout lines. *** Too many women were getting depressed after grabbing a Cosmo and taking one of the quizzes. The company that makes Snuggies, the blanket with sleeves, has been charged by the FTC with deceptive “buy one get one free” offers. *** The company has denied any wrong- doing and says it’s perfectly clear that “buy one get one free” just applies to the sleeves. On this date in history: Mar 29, 1798 – The Republic of Switzerland forms. *** It’s amazing the country has survived—their only weapon is the Swiss army knife and yet they’ve managed to fend off invaders with a lethal assortment of corkscrews, scissors and nail files. On this date in history: Mar 29, 1959 – "Some Like it Hot" with Marilyn Monroe and Jack Lemmon premieres. *** I believe it was a Republican documentary about climate change. On this date in history: Mar 29, 1986 – Beatle records officially go on sale in Russia. *** Their first hit single there was “I Want to Hold your Borscht.” Wednesday, Mar 28 The owner of a pet shelter in the U.K. says the reason people don’t want to adopt black cats is that they don’t photograph well in selfies. *** How sad to rule out a cat just because of how it will look in selfies! The only place where that should even be a factor is Match.com. A year and a half after splitting with Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt is reportedly spending more time out in public and has begun casual dating. *** In Hollywood, “casual dating”” is when you sleep with someone but don’t bother to ask them their name. On this date in history: Mar 28, 1774 – The British parliament tries to control Massachusetts with several restrictive measures known as the “Coercive Act.” *** Also known as the “May-the-Force-be-with-You Act.” On this date in history: Mar 28, 1794 – The Louvre with its priceless artwork opens to the public. *** Security guards were on the lookout for people who tried to bring in sharp objects, suspicious packages or children with crayons. On this date in history: Mar 28, 1974 – The rock group “Raspberries” breaks up. *** Yes, with a name like that it probably was hard to keep a straight face. Tuesday, Mar 27 The company that makes Snuggies, those weird blankets with sleeves, has been accused of deceptive TV offers which result in confused buyers paying much more than expected. *** So, it’s a double whammy for many elderly customers who end up looking foolish when they order their Snuggies…and then again when they wear them. Frank Avruch, who was the first nationally-syndicated Bozo the Clown, has just died at the age of 89. *** The funeral is expected to feature the casket and six pallbearers pouring out of a black Volkswagen. On this date in history: Mar 27, 1668 – English King Charles II gives Bombay to the East India Company. *** Afterwards he said, “No, no, no—I just said to give them the KEYS to the city.” On this date in history: Mar 27, 1860 – M. L. Byrn patents the corkscrew. *** Apparently he saw nothing wrong with handling sharp objects while drinking. On this date in history: Mar 27, 1931 – Charlie Chaplin receives France's distinguished Legion of Honor. *** The recognition is typically given to the French military, entertainers and anyone else who can make people laugh. Monday, Mar 26 An elderly Florida man is claiming his spine was fractured while boarding a United Airlines flight because flight attendants took away his wheelchair before he reached his seat. *** Actually, his back was OK until he started complaining and they tried to stuff him in the overhead bin. Organizers of England’s upscale Royal Ascot horse racing event have issued new attire guidelines which specify that men must wear socks and women cannot have off-the- shoulder dresses. *** So, I’m guessing they’re not big on the hot trend in formal wear-- tuxedos with sagging pants? On this date in history: Mar 26, 1845 – The first patent is awarded for “adhesive medicated plaster,” which later became the “Band-Aid.” *** The patent application said it was “a convenient and effective treatment for all types of ouchies.” On this date in history: Mar 26, 1934 – Driving tests are introduced in Britain. *** Apparently the British examiners didn’t deduct points for driving on the wrong side of the road. On this date in history: Mar 26, 1970 – Peter Yarrow (of Peter, Paul & Mary) pleads guilty to "taking immoral liberties" with a 14 year old girl. *** He also admitted that what he showed her wasn’t really “Puff the Magic Dragon.” |