High Impact Humor

Joke Archives
(Jokes posted on the home page during the past 30 days)
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Monday, Jul 16

The Emmy nominations have been released and “Roseanne” has been nominated for
“Best Editing.”
 ***  That was a surprise—normally that award isn’t given for cutting out the lead
character.

Thomas Markle says that his daughter, Meghan, is having trouble adjusting and is
“terrified” at being part of the royal family.
  ***   Meanwhile, Harry is reportedly terrified at
being related to the Markles.

On this date in history:  Jul 16, 1439 – Kissing is banned in England.   ***   Authorities were
concerned that rotten teeth could be contagious.  

On this date in history:  Jul 16, 1790 – Congress establishes the “District of Columbia.”  
***  However, most people still refer to it by its more common name, “The Swamp.”

On this date in history:  Jul 16, 1926 – National Geographic takes the first natural color
undersea photos.
  ***   They were impressive, but most readers still preferred the shots of naked
jungle women.


Friday, Jul 13

According to a recent study, people in South Dakota sleep longer than those in any other
state, and NPR suggests it might be because “they tend to have better health overall
and generally have lower population densities.”  
 ***   And because they generally have
nothing to wake up for.

Stormy Daniels was arrested during an Ohio strip club performance in which she
allegedly pulled patrons’ faces into her chest.
 ***   In fact, the men involved said they were
close enough to read the tiny tattoo that said, “Trump was here.”

On this date in history:  Jul 13, 1568 – Alexander Nowell, Dean of St Paul's Cathedral in
London, perfects a way to bottle beer.
 ***   Apparently he had gotten tired of tapping a keg at
every church picnic.

On this date in history:  Jul 13, 1787 – Congress establishes the Northwest Territory.   ***  
It took them one day to establish it and ten days to name it.

On this date in history:  Jul 13, 1836 – After 9,957 unnumbered patents in the U.S., patent
#1 is granted to John Ruggles for locomotive wheels.
  ***  Apparently Mr. Ruggles wasn’t
listening when people said, “Hey, let’s not re-invent the wheel.”


Thursday, Jul 12

At a Buckingham Palace ceremony marking the 100 year anniversary of the Royal Air
Force, 3 year old Princess Charlotte was seen sticking her tongue out at the crowd.  
 ***   
A palace spokesman apologized and explained that she was just practicing for President Trump’s
visit.   

The oldest known message in a bottle has washed up on an Australian beach; it had
been written aboard a ship in 1886.
 ***  I believe the message started with these words: “You’
ve got mail.”

On this date in history:  Jul 12, 1774 – The citizens of Carlisle, Pennsylvania pass a
declaration of independence.  ***  
They didn’t really care about freedoms, but they loved
fireworks.

On this date in history:  Jul 12, 1874 – The Ontario Agricultural College is founded.    ***   
Or, as they preferred to say, planted.

On this date in history:  Jul 12, 1949 – Baseball owners agree to erect warning tracks
along the fences to protect outfielders chasing fly balls.
 ***  Previously, there were just tiny
signs on the fences saying, “If you can read this, you’re too close.”


Wednesday, Jul 11

Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke was informed that he may have violated the Hatch Act by
wearing socks with the slogan “Make America Great Again.”
  ***   Mr. Zinke apologized and
immediately took off all of his White House-issued underwear.

In preparation for his trial, former Trump campaign manager Paul Manafort has been
moved to a jail closer to the courthouse.
 ***   Prosecutors, however, said it would be more
convenient to put him in a jail closer to the gallows.

On this date in history:  Jul 11, 1864 – Confederate forces led by General J. Early begin
the invasion of Washington D.C.
 ***  I believe their battle cry was, “Drain the swamp!  Drain the
swamp!”

On this date in history:  Jul 11, 1952 – General Dwight Eisenhower is nominated as the
Republican presidential candidate and their slogan is “We like Ike.”
 ***  Gee, I had no idea
they even had Facebook back then.

On this date in history:  Jul 11, 1969 – The Rolling Stones release "Honky Tonk Woman."   
***   And she was glad to leave.


Tuesday, Jul 10

Demos Parneros, the CEO of Barnes & Noble, has been fired for “violating company
policy.”
  ***  He was caught reading an e-book.

Justin Bieber and Haily Baldwin are engaged.   ***  I’m pretty sure Haily will take her husband’s
last name, because Justin gets cold shivers whenever he hears anything with the word “bald.”

On this date in history:  July 10, 1892 – The first concrete paved street is built in
Bellefountaine, Ohio.  
 ***   It was matched by concrete sidewalks, concrete curbing and concrete
potholes.

On this date in history:  July 10, 1919 – President Wilson personally delivers the Treaty of
Versailles to the Senate.
  ***  I guess that’s what they had to do before FedEx.

On this date in history:  July 10, 1929 – The U.S. issues redesigned, smaller-sized paper
currency.
 ***  Strip club dancers had complained that the larger bills were just too uncomfortable.


Monday, Jul 9

Khloe Kardashian says she is considering having a third child because her sisters
seemed “hotter” after having had three kids.
  ***   Or three husbands.

Amazon plans to capitalize on the Toys R Us bankruptcy by issuing a toy catalog just
before Christmas.
 ***  The new promotion will be tagged “Vultures R Us.”

On this date in history:  Jul 9, 1540 – King Henry VIII’s 6 month marriage to Anne of Cleves
is annulled.
  ***   He told church officials, “As God is my witness, I thought she said ‘Anne of
Cleavage’.”

On this date in history:  Jul 9, 1872 – John Blondel of Thomaston, Maine receives a
patent for a donut cutter.  
 ***  He was also given a ticker tape parade by the local police force.

On this date in history:  Jul 9, 1910 – Walter Brookins becomes the first to pilot an
airplane to an altitude of one mile.
 ***  He was alone, but became the founding member of the
Mile High Club, Solo Division.


Friday, Jul 6

The second half of a Kentucky warehouse has now collapsed, sending the remainder of
the 18,000 barrels of bourbon crashing to the ground, and officials have been assessing
the environmental impact.
 ***   They are predicting a sharp increase in global mourning.    

Facebook has apologized after its censorship protocol blocked an excerpt from the
Declaration of Independence, and some people feel it was due to the phrase “Indian
savages.”
  ***   The Facebook algorithm apparently assumed it was a slam on people staffing a
help desk.  

On this date in history:  Jul 6, 1699 – Captain William Kidd is arrested in Boston.   ***   His
lawyer pleaded for mercy, saying, “Hey, he’s just a Kidd.”

On this date in history:  Jul 6, 1785 – Congress establishes the U.S. currency system
based on the dollar bill and decimal coinage.
 ***  It’s apparently a faith-based system, with an
emphasis on “In God We Trust” and “Change You Can Believe In.”

On this date in history:  Jul 6, 1989 – U.S. marshals and FCC agents seize pirate radio
station WHOT in Brooklyn.
  ***  They confiscated two Jolly Roger flags, several eye patches and
a parrot.


Thursday, Jul 5

President Trump gave Twitter readers a laugh when he bragged about his writing skills
and wrote, “Fake News constantly likes to pour over my tweets looking for a mistake.”
  
***   Of course, “pore” is what you do over a document – “pour” is what you do to a cup of
covfefe.    

A California woman is recovering after being gored by a bison in Yellowstone National
Park.
  ***  Park rangers say the animal just snapped after one too many stupid tourist jokes about
Buffalo Wild Wings.  

On this date in history:  Jul 5, 1865 – William Booth establishes the Salvation Army in
London.
 ***  However, city officials refuse to establish a draft to fill the ranks.

On this date in history:  Jul 5, 1937 – Joe DiMaggio hits his first grand slam homerun.   
***   Mrs. Robinson went wild.

On this date in history:  Jul 5, 1968 – John Lennon sells his psychedelic painted Rolls-
Royce.
 ***  Although he did have difficulty convincing the buyer that it was an original factory color.


Tuesday, Jul 3

A recent article on AOL.com listed “19 Unusual Uses for Vaseline.”  ***   Including three that
had nothing to do with sex.  

Notorious gangster Retoine Faid escaped from a French prison by getting plucked from
an open courtyard by a helicopter.
 ***  However, before dropping him off the pilot made him
spend two hours broadcasting rush hour traffic reports.

On this date in history:  Jul 3, 1754 – In the “French & Indian War,” George Washington
surrenders Fort Necessity.
 ***   He decided it wasn’t really needed.

On this date in history:  Jul 3, 1978 – The Supreme Court rules that the FCC could fine a
radio station for broadcasting George Carlin's "Seven Filthy Words."
 ***  However, the
court ruled that only four of the words were actually filthy, while two were just naughty and one of
them they didn’t understand.

On this date in history:  Jul 3, 1986 – President Reagan presides over the relighting of
the renovated Statue of Liberty.
  ***  And soon President Trump will preside over the unveiling
of the edits to statue’s inscription.


Monday, Jul 2

NBC has cancelled the comedy series “Champions.”   ***   They also dropped plans for the
spinoff, “Runner Ups.”

After Ford announced plans to renovate the old Detroit train station, someone returned
its clock that had been stolen, and now dozens of people are offering to return stolen
light fixtures, ticket windows, decorative ornaments...
  ***  … two locomotives, three boxcars
and a caboose.

On this date in history:  July 2, 1890 – The Sherman Antitrust Act prohibits industrial
monopolies.
  ***  Businessmen wanting to build financial empires were told to go play the board
game.

On this date in history:  July 2, 1959 – "Plan 9 From Outer Space," directed by Ed Wood
and considered the worse film ever made, premieres.  
 ***   The first 8 plans weren’t so hot,
either.

On this date in history:  July 2, 1976 – North and South Vietnam are formally reunified.   
***   Of course, that was easy, not like trying to reunify North and South Dakota or North and South
Carolina.


Friday, June 29

In Kentucky, hundreds of fish died after a warehouse collapsed and bourbon spilled into
a nearby waterway.  
 ***  The fish were initially ecstatic and took comfort in that old fish adage,
“You can’t put bourbon on a hook.”

President Trump said First Lady Melania’s absence last month was for a surgical
procedure on her kidney, not a facelift.
 ***  Then he said her kidney is now looking great and
wrinkle-free.

On this date in history:  Jun 29, 1613 – Shakespeare's Globe Theater burns down.   ***  
Afterwards, it was so sad to see Juliet wandering through the ashes, calling out for Romeo.

On this date in history:  Jun 29, 1936 – Pope Pius XI issues his encyclical, "On Motion
Pictures."
 ***  He offered his own opinions, but also quoted frequently from St. Siskel and St.
Ebert.

On this date in history:  Jun 29, 1989 – Susan Lucci loses the Daytime Emmy for the 10th
straight year.
  ***   However, the actress was given the award for “Best Impersonation of a
Graceful Loser.”


Thursday, Jun 28

A recall notice has just been issued for the 2009-2013 Ferrari California because of an
airbag safety issue.
 ***  If the airbag deploys, it can get tangled up in the driver’s gold chains.

Homeland Security agents raided Super China Buffet restaurants in two Detroit suburbs
in a search for criminal activity.
  ***   Authorities became suspicious when they noticed the
fortune cookies predicted much future happiness and gave the phone number of an escort service.

On this date in history:  Jun 28, 1919 – Missourian Harry S. Truman marries Elizabeth
Wallace in the town of Independence.
 ***   Which is an ironic place for a marriage to start.

On this date in history:  Jun 28, 1928 – Friedrich Schmiedl attempts rocket mail in Austria,
but is unsuccessful.  ***
 Actually, the results were mixed – the rocket delivered the mail, but
killed the recipient.

On this date in history:  Jun 28, 1940 – "Quiz Kids" premiers on radio.  ***  The show had a
very strange format – kids were given questions but weren’t allowed to ask Siri the answer.


Wednesday, Jun 27

The Secret Service will reportedly begin providing protection for press secretary Sarah
Sanders.
  ***   They’ll be carrying tactical weapons and defensive armament…and an emergency
supply of food for when she gets kicked out of restaurants.

Britain’s controversial free health service will be turning 70 years old.   ***   And most of its
patients won’t.

On this date in history:  Jun 27, 1950 – The U.S. sends 35 military advisers to South
Vietnam.
  ***   Unfortunately, their advice wasn’t so good.

On this date in history:  Jun 27, 1955 – Illinois enacts the first automobile seat belt
legislation.
  ***   In the interest of consumer well-being, the law required that all seat belt buckles
be comfortable to sit on.

On this date in history:  Jun 27, 1985 – New York City’s first hotel strike takes place.  ***   
Actually, none of the guests even noticed…unless their minibars ran dry.


Tuesday, Jun 26

Tournament golfer John Daly got upset and dropped out because he wasn’t allowed to
use a golf cart during the Senior Open.
 ***    Apparently he just wasn’t satisfied with the
complimentary tournament gift bag:  Orthopedic shoes, a walker and a free bottle of Advil.   

Speaking at the Nevada Republican Party Convention, President Trump said that he and
Kim Jong Un have “great chemistry.”
 ***  He said they’re also pretty good with nuclear physics.

On this date in history:  Jun 26, 1870 – In New Jersey, the first section of the Atlantic City
Boardwalk opens.
  ***  The first aid station was busy all day treating everyone for splinters.

On this date in history:  Jun 26, 1916 – The Cleveland Indians experiment with numbers
on their jerseys for one game.
 ***  It worked better the next time, when they gave each player a
different number.

On this date in history:  Jun 26, 1974 – Liz Taylor divorces Richard Burton, which was her
5th divorce.   
 ***   I believe that’s when she took a cue from the Cleveland Indians and started
putting numbers on all her husbands.


Monday, Jun 25

On Sunday, women in Saudi Arabia were allowed to drive on public roads for the first
time.
 ***  However, most of them still have to master some basic skills, such as driving in reverse,
parallel parking and refusing to stop and ask for directions.

An unexpected demand for beer has led to a shortage of the beverage at several of the
World Cup soccer matches.  
 ***   Authorities have traced the problem to a single visitor from the
United States—a Boston man named Norm.

On this date in history:  Jun 25, 1630 – Massachusetts Governor John Winthrop
introduces the fork into American dining.
  ***   It was a last minute replacement after the dish
ran away with the spoon.

On this date in history:  Jun 25, 1876 – General George Armstrong Custer and the 7th
Cavalry are wiped out by the Sioux and Cheyenne at Little Bighorn.
 ***   The Indians staged
a surprise attack while Custer’s troops were busy trying to figure out how a horn could be little and
big at the same time.

On this date in history:  Jun 25, 1977 – Roy Sullivan of Virginia is struck by lightning for
the 7th time.
 ***   That was quite rare; usually God doesn’t give that many warnings.


Friday, Jun 22

Koko, the gorilla who learned sign language, has died at the age of 46, and the Gorilla
Foundation issued a statement saying, “She was beloved and will be deeply missed.”
  
***  Rosanne Barr added her condolences and said that for some people Koko was like one of the
family.

The White House is considering combining the Department of Education and the
Department of Labor.
 ***   The move is expected to streamline arrangements for people to work
off their student loans.

On this date in history:  Jun 22, 1611 – Henry Hudson and his son are set adrift in Hudson
Bay by angry mutineers.
  ***  You know, some passengers just don’t read the fine print on those
all-inclusive cruise deals.

On this date in history:  Jun 22, 1874 – Dr. Andrew T. Sill establishes the science of
osteopathy.
  ***  And the people who study it are called ostronauts.

On this date in history:  Jun 22, 1970 – President Nixon signs the 26th amendment,
lowering the voting age to 18.
  ***  That means that 18 year olds CAN vote…and as soon as it’s
all put online maybe they WILL vote.


Thursday, Jun 21

According to the Department of Health and Human Services, the “tent cities” holding
children of illegal immigrants are costing millions of dollars more than allowing the
children to stay with their parents.
 ***  However, President Trump has addressed that situation
with a new executive order -- it charges the kids a $10 per night camping fee.

Prosecutors in California may charge Sylvester Stallone after accusations of a sexual
assault in the 1990’s.
 ***  His defense lawyer, however, says Mr. Stallone has been a model
citizen and his only improper conduct is occasionally getting drunk and then annoying people by
randomly yelling, “Yo, Adrian!”

On this date in history:  Jun 21, 1834 – Cyrus McCormick patents the reaping machine.   
***   According to the Bible, however, it could only be used for crops that had also been planted by
a machine.

On this date in history:  Jun 21, 1893 – The first Ferris wheel premieres at Chicago's
Columbian Exposition.
 ***  And that was the first time people realized, “What goes around comes
around.”

On this date in history:  Jun 21, 1990 – Little Richard gets a star on the Hollywood Walk of
Fame.   
***   It was a little star.


Wednesday, Jun 20

An ER doctor in California was suspended after a video showed her doubting and
mocking a patient who claimed to be having an anxiety attack.
  ***   In all fairness to the
doctor, most patients don’t really have an anxiety attack until they see the bill.   

Duchess Kate is being criticized for allowing 4 year old Prince George to play with a toy
gun.
  ***  The critics point out that as royalty he should have other people do all the shooting for
him.

On this date in history:  Jun 20, 1782 – Congress approves the bald eagle as the symbol
of the United States.   ***
  Second choice was the relatively unknown hairy eagle.

On this date in history: Jun 20, 1867 – President Andrew Johnson announces the
purchase of Alaska, which included all the land, all the wildlife…
  ***   …and, unfortunately,
the entire Palin family.

On this date in history:  Jun 20, 1988 – “Price is Right” model Janice Pennington is
knocked out by a TV camera.  ***
  Before transporting her to the hospital, producers made her
guess how much her treatment would cost.


Tuesday, Jun 19

Russia has reportedly upgraded its ammunition bunker at Kaliningrad, which is designed
to protect its most powerful weapons, including nuclear warheads …
 ***  …and the video
clips of President Trump’s golden showers.

According to a survey by 24/7 Wall Street, New Jersey has the highest percentage
(almost 50%) of 18-34 year olds who live with their parents.
 ***  The other half have parents
who moved and didn’t leave a forwarding address.

On this date in history:  Jun 19, 1867 – The first Belmont Stakes horse race is run and the
winner is“Ruthless.”
  ***  Just like in politics.

On this date in history:  Jun 19, 1961 – The U.S. Supreme Court strikes down a provision
in Maryland's constitution which requires state office holders to believe in God.
  ***   
Apparently, however, they do need to believe in the Supreme Court.

On this date in history:  Jun 19, 1987  – Ben & Jerry’s announces a new ice cream in
honor of the Grateful Dead’s Jerry Garcia, called “Cherry Garcia.”
 ***  Actually, for Mr.
Garcia a better flavor would have been “LSD-licious.”


Monday, Jun 18

After 27 years, the “Jerry Springer Show” is being canceled.  ***  The network  informed Mr.
Springer by calling him in and throwing a chair at him.  

In Michigan’s Bloomfield Township, a woman was arrested for stealing cosmetics and
jewelry from a Rite-Aid.
  ***   On the positive side, she looked terrific in her mug shot.  

On this date in history:  Jun 18, 1945 – William Joyce is charged with treason for
broadcasting pro-Nazi propaganda during WWII using the radio name Lord Haw-Haw.
  ***  
They also brought charges against his country-bumpkin brother, Lord Hee-Haw).

On this date in history:  Jun 18, 1948 – The American Library Association adopts the
Library Bill of Rights.
 ***  “You have the right to remain silent…”

On this date in history:  Jun 18, 1991 – To determine the cause of his death, the body of
President Zachary Taylor is exhumed.
  ***  So, that’s the one time that somebody really did dig
up dirt on a former president.