|High Impact Humor -- Contract Comedy Writing
Example: Auction Humor
HIGH IMPACT HUMOR recently received a unique request from a celebrity client who was hosting a
charity auction at a well-known country club. At the last minute he came up with the idea of
announcing a few gag items as part of the auction offerings, and he contacted HIGH IMPACT HUMOR
for some material. (And to make the assignment interesting, he made the request less than 24 hours
before the start of the auction.)
The material below was provided by HIGH IMPACT HUMOR overnight, and much of it was used by our
client. It drew a lot of laughs from the audience and helped contribute to a successful evening.
GAG ITEMS FOR CHARITY AUCTION
1. One “Ironclad Excuse” that will allow you to sneak out of this event early and get home in time for
tonight’s Pistons’ game without losing face.
2. A potato chip with the image of Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick on it. Not surprisingly, it also happens to be the
largest potato chip in the world. Buy it now, before we put it on e-Bay! (Later in the auction you can say, “I’
m sorry to announce that the Kwame Kilpatrick potato chip is no longer available—[insert name] just ate it.”)
3. A front row seat for the fireworks on the Detroit River on the Fourth of July. If they’re cancelled because
of budgetary and security concerns, you will be given a front row seat for the fireworks at the next City
4. A hard hat to protect you if you walk near all those demolition and construction sites downtown. (And if
you want to pretend that you are a construction worker, there’s a device on the hard hat that will say
construction worker things like, “Hey, chickee baby...hey chickee chickee baby.”)
5. Here’s a hot item for all you executives in the automotive supplier industry: A reserved spot in the
parking garage next door to the Michigan bankruptcy court. (For those of you who are well into the
bankruptcy process, we will be auctioning off a free bus pass.)
6. We are offering several items that, frankly, might not be worth very much but we ask you to open your
hearts and your wallets:
remember—it’s for a good cause.) (Later in the evening we’ll be taking up a collection to send Ben
Wallace to Free Throw Camp.)
6b. Enrollment in the Rasheed Wallace Anger Management Class.
6c.. One unused Rip Hamilton “secret weapon” face mask. This particular one was intended to
confuse the hell out of the other team because it was painted to look like Chauncy Billups. (He also
has one painted to look like Ben Wallace that he uses whenever he wants to draw a foul.)
6d. One free surgery by the very same doctor who did Larry Brown’s hip replacement, ...
6e. Complete DVD collection of the 2004-2005 season Red Wings games. (Remember, it’s for a
7. I guess we might be a little late for this one: Admittance to the Michael Jackson trial and the opportunity
to testify that Michael never ever molested you. (...unless he did.)
8. Men only: A date with Brad Pitt’s soon-to-be ex-wife, Jennifer Aniston. However, you must sign a waiver
that if it ever develops into a serious relationship, you will never want to start a family.
9. Women only: A date with Tom Cruise. There are two restrictions: You must at least pretend to be
interested in Scientology, and you must be young enough to be his daughter.
10. A custom ring tone for your cell phone. Whenever you get an incoming call, you will hear Russell
Crowe yelling “Duck!”
11. A french fry that looks exactly like Lindsay Lohan after her recent diet. (On the other hand, I guess
every french fry looks like Lindsay Lohan after her recent diet). As a bonus, the winning bidder will also get
an entire potato that looks like “Fat Actress” Kirstie Alley. (On the other hand, I guess every potato looks
like Kirstie Alley.)
12. The “Swing ‘N Weed” – A custom-made sand wedge with a sharpened lower edge so you can cut weeds
and practice your golf swing at the same time.
13. The “Ballistic Bounce Counter” – It lets you practice and evaluate your golf swing in a small room by
counting the number of times the ball bounces off the walls. (Especially good for showing off in the country
club bar at night).
14. The “Barrel Golf Rulebook” -- A booklet that explains how, when you are stopped due to a freeway
construction site, you can hop out and rearrange the orange barrels for a quick game of miniature golf.
15. The “Fairway Curse-O-Matic” -- an electronic device that tracks the flight of the ball relative to the
fairway and automatically delivers the appropriate string of profanities if it’s a bad shot. (As a bonus, the
winning bidder will also receive the “Putting Curse-O-Matic” for the short game.)
16. The “Mulligan Head Separator” – A hand operated switch on your driver that separates the head from
the shaft with a small explosive charge. You can trigger it after an especially bad drive in hopes of getting
enough sympathy to ask for a mulligan.