| High Impact Humor -- Contract Comedy Writing Example: Auction Humor |
HIGH IMPACT HUMOR recently received a unique request from a celebrity client who was hosting a charity auction at a well-known country club. At the last minute he came up with the idea of announcing a few gag items as part of the auction offerings, and he contacted HIGH IMPACT HUMOR for some material. (And to make the assignment interesting, he made the request less than 24 hours before the start of the auction.) The material below was provided by HIGH IMPACT HUMOR overnight, and much of it was used by our client. It drew a lot of laughs from the audience and helped contribute to a successful evening. |
GAG ITEMS FOR CHARITY AUCTION LOCAL 1. One “Ironclad Excuse” that will allow you to sneak out of this event early and get home in time for tonight’s Pistons’ game without losing face. 2. A potato chip with the image of Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick on it. Not surprisingly, it also happens to be the largest potato chip in the world. Buy it now, before we put it on e-Bay! (Later in the auction you can say, “I’ m sorry to announce that the Kwame Kilpatrick potato chip is no longer available—[insert name] just ate it.”) 3. A front row seat for the fireworks on the Detroit River on the Fourth of July. If they’re cancelled because of budgetary and security concerns, you will be given a front row seat for the fireworks at the next City Council meeting. 4. A hard hat to protect you if you walk near all those demolition and construction sites downtown. (And if you want to pretend that you are a construction worker, there’s a device on the hard hat that will say construction worker things like, “Hey, chickee baby...hey chickee chickee baby.”) 5. Here’s a hot item for all you executives in the automotive supplier industry: A reserved spot in the parking garage next door to the Michigan bankruptcy court. (For those of you who are well into the bankruptcy process, we will be auctioning off a free bus pass.) 6. We are offering several items that, frankly, might not be worth very much but we ask you to open your hearts and your wallets:
remember—it’s for a good cause.) (Later in the evening we’ll be taking up a collection to send Ben Wallace to Free Throw Camp.) 6b. Enrollment in the Rasheed Wallace Anger Management Class. 6c.. One unused Rip Hamilton “secret weapon” face mask. This particular one was intended to confuse the hell out of the other team because it was painted to look like Chauncy Billups. (He also has one painted to look like Ben Wallace that he uses whenever he wants to draw a foul.) 6d. One free surgery by the very same doctor who did Larry Brown’s hip replacement, ... complications included! 6e. Complete DVD collection of the 2004-2005 season Red Wings games. (Remember, it’s for a good cause.) 7. I guess we might be a little late for this one: Admittance to the Michael Jackson trial and the opportunity to testify that Michael never ever molested you. (...unless he did.) 8. Men only: A date with Brad Pitt’s soon-to-be ex-wife, Jennifer Aniston. However, you must sign a waiver that if it ever develops into a serious relationship, you will never want to start a family. 9. Women only: A date with Tom Cruise. There are two restrictions: You must at least pretend to be interested in Scientology, and you must be young enough to be his daughter. 10. A custom ring tone for your cell phone. Whenever you get an incoming call, you will hear Russell Crowe yelling “Duck!” 11. A french fry that looks exactly like Lindsay Lohan after her recent diet. (On the other hand, I guess every french fry looks like Lindsay Lohan after her recent diet). As a bonus, the winning bidder will also get an entire potato that looks like “Fat Actress” Kirstie Alley. (On the other hand, I guess every potato looks like Kirstie Alley.) GOLF 12. The “Swing ‘N Weed” – A custom-made sand wedge with a sharpened lower edge so you can cut weeds and practice your golf swing at the same time. 13. The “Ballistic Bounce Counter” – It lets you practice and evaluate your golf swing in a small room by counting the number of times the ball bounces off the walls. (Especially good for showing off in the country club bar at night). 14. The “Barrel Golf Rulebook” -- A booklet that explains how, when you are stopped due to a freeway construction site, you can hop out and rearrange the orange barrels for a quick game of miniature golf. 15. The “Fairway Curse-O-Matic” -- an electronic device that tracks the flight of the ball relative to the fairway and automatically delivers the appropriate string of profanities if it’s a bad shot. (As a bonus, the winning bidder will also receive the “Putting Curse-O-Matic” for the short game.) 16. The “Mulligan Head Separator” – A hand operated switch on your driver that separates the head from the shaft with a small explosive charge. You can trigger it after an especially bad drive in hopes of getting enough sympathy to ask for a mulligan. END . |