High Impact Humor -- Bill's Pills

Example:  March 13, 2006

    Bill's Pills "DJ Edition" is issued every weekday, and is e-mailed to subscribers prior to midnight of the
    previous evening, EDT.  Each issue contains at least 15 jokes on current events that have taken
    place in the past 24 hours.

1.  In the city of Salvador, Brazil, local prostitutes now have their own radio station.  The
head of the project says, “We are not going to apologize for prostitution, but we are going
to struggle for the dignity of the profession.”

    Obviously, by becoming DJ’s, they are working toward dignity in very small steps.

2.  A 20 year old man riding a Yamaha R6 motorcycle was recently arrested in Louisiana for
going 155 miles per hour.

    Gee, if Peter Fonda and Dennis Hopper had ridden that fast, the “Easy Rider” movie would
    have been a 20 minute short.

3.  In Piedmont, Alabama, people cleaning a house found two live grenades in the closet.  
They were apparently left there by the house’s former owners, who died in 2003.

    Well, now we know what those former owners meant when they said, “When we grow old and
    feeble, don’t pull the plug—just pull the pin.”

4.  In Australia, police arrested a man for driving backward for 25 miles on the highway
between Sydney and Melbourne.  He said reverse was the only gear that worked in his car.

    I guess he must have lived in the outback – or the outbackwards.

5.  In Tokyo, a man who broke into the apartment of a 78 year old woman and stole $125
from her sent the woman a letter of apology and enclosed the stolen money, but police
used the note to track him down and arrest him. The authorities did not disclose exactly
how the note led to his arrest.

    Maybe the woman just recognized her son’s handwriting.

6.  The government of Nigeria is warning citizens that there is no need to panic during the
upcoming eclipse of the sun.  They are trying to avoid a repeat of the riots that occurred
during the 2001 eclipse, when people believed that the mid-day darkness was caused by
evil people in their society.

    Well, that’s completely foolish.   I believe TV evangelist Pat Robertson said that it’s simply
    because God just doesn’t like Africa.

7.  In Berlin, Germany, police arrested a man who took on the identity of his brother who
died 26 years ago, and had been collecting his pension benefits ever since that time.

    The story prompted Neil Diamond to record an old hit in a slightly updated version:  “He Ain’t
    Dead Yet, He’s My Brother.”

8.  In Charleston, South Carolina, officials are installing bag dispensers in 15 public parks
to encourage people to clean up after their pets.  According the city’s Department of
Health and Environmental Control, “the dogs and cats in Charleston are capable of
producing 10,000 pounds of waste every day.”

    Each?  (That’s going to take a mighty big bag.)

    Suddenly, the concept of “bag lady” seems particularly revolting.

9.  In McMinnville, Oregon, a woman who was sitting in the center of the front seat of their
1988 Chrysler Fifth Avenue so she would be close to her husband as he drove, was fined
$97 because the center position has a lap belt, but not a shoulder harness.  The woman
investigated the law, and contended that she had done nothing illegal.  An officer with the
sheriff’s department voided the fine after he also did some research.

    But his research revealed that the woman had not violated any traffic safety laws because a
    1988 Chrysler Fifth Avenue is simply incapable of reaching a dangerous speed.

10.  A 21 year old pregnant woman in St. Louis, Missouri, used e-Bay to auction off
advertising space on her belly.  The winning bid of $1,000 was submitted by an internet

    On the other hand, that would have been a pretty dramatic advertising spot for a maker of birth
    control pills.

11.  Across the United States, regional finals are being held for the nation-wide “Rock,
Paper, Scissors” contest which will be held in Las Vegas on April 9th.

    However, the contest organizers are facing a major crisis.  It has just been pointed out that the
    entire premise of the game is flawed.  Although a rock can crush scissors, and scissors can cut
    paper, it is technically impossible for a piece of paper to smother a rock.

12.  Wolves in Northern Michigan are starting to attack and eat each other, and wildlife
biologists there say that it is because of the dwindling numbers of moose, their traditional

    Actually, I think it’s because the wolves have been reading too much about the behavior of the
    automotive suppliers.


13.  In St. Paul, Minnesota, a 3 year old boy accidentally fired a 9mm handgun and shot his
mother in the knee.

    I guess you could say he learned to shoot at his mother’s knee.

    Thank goodness the kid was still young and short.  Just think of the sensitive areas that would
    have been hit if he was the height of a 12 year old.

14.  A 73 year old Japanese Buddhist priest was charged with paying a 15 year old girl for
sex, which he blamed on the stress of his job.  In Japan, teenage prostitution is known as
“compensated dating.”

    Except when it’s done in a religious environment.  Then it’s “compensated tithing.”

15.  The newest James Bond movie, “Casino Royale,” takes place back at the beginning of
Agent 007’s career, when he first got his license to kill.

    But it doesn’t go real far back—you know, to where James was a virgin.

(Material displayed here is property of HIGH IMPACT HUMOR.  Do not use without authorization.)