Today's Dosage of Bill's Pills   (Updated each weekday)
(Material displayed here is property of HIGH IMPACT HUMOR.  Do not use without authorization.)

Friday, Mar 22

After Prince Charles had vacationed in Barbados, his lawyers complained about the paparazzi
invading his privacy and taking unflattering photos, such as shots of him in a swimsuit  
 ***   or with
Camilla.


Thursday, Mar 21

Because of an increased need to rescue poorly prepared hikers, the Italian villages of Cinque Terra
are now fining tourists for wearing flip-flops on area trails.
 ***   Officials said people with ill-suited footwear
wasn’t a big problem until WalMart began offering bus tours.


Wednesday, Mar 20

In a CNN town hall, presidential candidate Elizabeth Warren said she wants to get rid of the Electoral
College.
  ***  President Trump tweeted his disagreement and said, “Hey, just because they had that big
admission scam…”


Tuesday, Mar 19

The recent college admissions scam involved several top schools, including Stanford, Yale and UCLA,
but there seems to be no evidence that it offered admissions to Harvard.
 ***   This prompted Harvard’s
president to comment, “Hey, what are we – chopped liver?”


Monday, Mar 18

President Trump told Fox News to put Jeanine Pirro back on the air after she had been suspended for
her Islamophobic comments.
 ***  A Fox executive immediately scolded the President, saying, “Hey, you can’t
tell us how to run our network…just because we tell you how to run your country.”


Friday, Mar 15

In a possible mob war, Francesco “Franky Boy” Cali, the head of the Gambino crime family, was
gunned down outside his Staten Island home by a gunman who reportedly shot him 10 times and then
escaped in a blue pick-up truck.
  ***   OMG, what is up with the mob these days? I mean, really – a pick-up
truck?


Thursday, Mar 14

After four years of declining sales, Harley-Davidson is hoping to find success in the market for
electric motorcycles.
  ***   And all the Hell’s Angels bikers are getting their tattoos changed to read “Born to
Raise Hell -- and Environmental Awareness.”


Wednesday, Mar 13

Actress Elizabeth Olsen says she wants to keep her pubic life separate from her older sisters, 32 year
old twins Ashley and Mary-Kate.
  ***   However, she said she loves her two siblings and hopes to one day be
able to tell them apart.


Tuesday, Mar 12

Several rap stars testified before the Supreme Court to defend fellow rapper Jamal Knox, saying his
angry lyrics about police are not a true threat of violence.  
***   They explained that some days it’s just so
hard to find nice words that rhyme.


Monday, Mar 11

Dale Massad, the 68 year old mayor of Port Richey, Florida, is facing new charges after firing a gun at
two deputies who were serving him a warrant.
 ***  Fortunately, the incident took place in the afternoon, so,
under Florida law, he’s eligible for a reduced sentence as part of the early bird special.


Friday, Mar 8

In Florida, two sisters—61 and 63 years old—have just been accused of murdering their 85 year old
father four years ago.  
 ***   Investigators believe the women became angry when dad cut their allowance after
they stayed out past their curfew.


Thursday, Mar 7

Nearly 30 people became ill and one woman died after eating at a Michelin-starred restaurant in
Spain.
 ***   When you think about it, selecting a restaurant based on ratings by a company that makes tires is
like asking McDonald’s to recommend a good radial.


Wednesday, Mar 6

The FDA has just approved Spravado, an anti-depressant nasal spray which is recommended for use
when other drugs are ineffective.
  ***   Or whenever winter just seems to go on forever.


Tuesday, Mar 5

Volvo just announced that all its cars will be electronically limited to a top speed of 112 mph.  ***   You
might want to try using that as an excuse the next time you’re late for work.


Monday,Mar 4

In Oakland, California, a TV news crew was robbed at gunpoint while covering a teachers’ strike.  ***  
The gunmen ran off when several teachers attacked them with threats of after-school detention, loss of library
privileges and low marks in citizenship.


Friday, Mar 1

An examination of the mountain lion killed by a Colorado trail runner with his bare hands showed that
the young lion was a three or four month old “kitten.”
 ***  Experts said runners facing similar dangers can
generally protect themselves with a laser pointer and a ball of yarn.


Thursday, Feb 28

In the Robert Kraft case, authorities first suspected that the Orchids of Asia spa was housing
prostitutes when health inspectors noticed the refrigerator was stuffed with food, beverages and
condiments.
 ***  Duh, I can’t imagine their clients using cold condiments.


Wednesday, Feb 27

President Trump has been accused of kissing a campaign worker in 2016.  ***  I believe it was computer
hacker named Yuri.


Tuesday, Feb 26

New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft has been accused of paying for sex at a place called
“Orchids of Asia.”   ***
 Wow, you go in to get a corsage for the prom and the next thing you know you’re
completely naked, flat on your back and being seduced by a florist.


Monday, Feb 25

Stanley Donen, the filmmaker who directed the classic movie “Singin’ in the Rain,” has died at the age
of 94.  
 ***   I’m guessing pneumonia.


Friday, Feb 22

Major League Baseball has renamed the “Disabled List” and it is now the “Injured List.”   ***   They also
added several sub-categories, including the “Tummy Ache List,” the “Ouchie List” and the “Hurts-Like-Hell” list.  


Thursday, Feb 21

Actor Jussie Smollett, who had claimed to be a victim of a racist attack, has been arrested and
charged with filing a false police report, which carries a maximum sentence of three years in jail.
 ***  
Authorities who reviewed Mr. Smollett’s report said he could also face several additional months of incarceration
for errors in spelling, grammar and punctuation.


Wednesday, Feb 20

According to a recent ranking based on environment, health and other factors, the worst place to
grow old is in the state of West Virginia.
 ***   Actually, the worst place to grow old is in your state of mind (but
West Virginia is a close second).


Tuesday, Feb 19

In an interview with TMZ, O.J. Simpson said Roger Stone should “man up and quit crying.”  ***  He also
said Mr. Stone should make his hands swell up so the gloves don’t fit.


Monday, Feb 18

A Delta flight made an emergency landing in Reno after the plane hit turbulence which was so severe
that the drink cart overturned and five passengers were seriously injured.
 ***  They got hurt fighting
over all the little liquor bottles.
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