|Today's Dosage of Bill's Pills (Updated each weekday)
Wednesday, Oct 23
Four American Airlines flight attendants arriving at the Miami airport with $22,000 in cash were
arrested for suspected money laundering. *** Authorities are investigating their claim that at airport prices
that barely covers their Cinnabon habit and souvenir T-shirts for all the relatives.
Tuesday, Oct 22
A family of moose was recently seen casually walking at a shopping mall in Jackson, Wyoming, but
residents of the area said that was not unusual. *** However, they said normally the moose don’t shop
until the day-after-Thanksgiving sales.
Monday, Oct 21
Kanye West told wife Kim Kardashian that a corset-style dress she wore to a recent event was “too
sexy” and was hurting his “spiritual journey.” *** In other words, “It makes you look fat.”
Friday, Oct 18
After an analysis of attractive facial proportions as determined by famous artists, cosmetic surgeon
Dr. Julian De Silva announced that Bella Hadid is the most beautiful woman in the world. *** However,
he was interrupted by a colleague, Dr. Kanye West, who declared, “Imma let you finish, but Beyonce is one of the
most beautiful women of all time.”
Thursday, Oct 17
The Paris Zoo is now displaying a strange organism which had befuddled scientists who determined it
has 720 sexes but no brain. *** Sounds like something on “The Kardashians.”
Wednesday, Oct 16
After stranding passengers in the air for several hours last week, Walt Disney World’s Skyliner
gondola has now been re-opened, but with some operational changes. *** Also, they’ve added a sign
showing Mickey Mouse with outstretched arms saying, “To go on this ride, your bladder must be THIS big.”
Tuesday, Oct 15
The chief bodyguard for Pope Francis resigned yesterday as authorities investigated the leak of a
confidential Vatican document. *** The document was apparently top secret; it was kept in a vault and was
reportedly written in an obscure ancient secret code known only as “Latin.”
Monday, Oct 14
A Taiwanese tourist was arrested for wearing a very revealing string bikini at a Philippines resort;
management had told her not to wear it but she said it was “a form of art." *** And now she claims the
authorities were trying to frame her.
Friday, Oct 11
The 2019 Nobel Prize in Literature has been awarded to Peter Handke for “an influential work that with
linguistic ingenuity has explored the periphery and the specificity of human experience." *** In other
words, no pictures.
Thursday, Oct 10
Harley-Davidson announced it will begin manufacturing an electric motorcycle. *** For customers who
miss the roar of a gasoline engine, dealers will install a huge baseball card in the spokes.
Monday, Oct 7
McDonald’s has announced plans to make drive-thru lines considerably shorter. *** All customers will
be required to drive smaller cars.
Friday, Oct 4
At 88 years old, Regis Philbin reportedly wants 72 year old Susan Lucci to join him on a nationwide
singing tour. *** At that age, performers prefer duets so at least one of them remembers the words.
Thursday, Oct 3
Justin Timberlake was tackled as he was entering a Fashion Week show in Paris. *** Wow—the French
really have no tolerance for wearing last year’s style.
Wednesday, Oct 2
Lamborghini, the manufacturer of flashy, exotic sports cars, announced it may soon develop an
electric supercar. *** However, the company has some safety concerns and is worried that the high-voltage
electrical systems might get shorted out by the driver’s gold chains.
Tuesday, Oct 1
Nissan is recalling one million cars because the back-up cameras may have stopped working. *** Until
the cameras are fixed, Nissan is urging owners to use alternate measures for rearward vision, such as strapping a
small child to the rear bumper.
Monday, Sep 30
The man who created the popular mixed-breed “Labradoodle” says it is one of his biggest regrets
because he meant it to be a guide dog, not a “fashion accessory.” *** He said if he just wanted to create
something fashionable to put on a leash it would have involved a Kardashian.
Friday, Sep 27
The seat selection screen on the Japan Air Lines reservation website identifies seats with babies so
passengers can avoid sitting near them. *** On airlines in the U.S., whining and crying can be avoided by
not sitting next to someone from the opposite political party.
Thursday, Sep 26
In the Pacific Ocean, the U.S. Coast Guard captured a small submarine that was filled with $165 million
worth of cocaine. *** Authorities became suspicious when they saw the vessel snorting white powder through
Wednesday, Sep 25
During a recent Arctic expedition, a small Russian navy landing craft was sunk by a mother walrus who
was protecting her cubs. *** Goo Goo Ga Joob!
Tuesday, Sep 24
In Muskegon, Michigan, a police officer was fired after Ku Klux Klan material was found in his home,
but he claims he just collects memorabilia associated with the “Dukes of Hazzard” TV show. ***
However, he stumbled when trying to explain why he never bought his wife a pair of Daisy Dukes.
Monday, Sep 23
A lot of people are confused by the title of Brad Pitt’s latest film, “Ad Astra.” *** I mean, who wants to
see a movie about Ed Asner with a cold?
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