|Today's Dosage of Bill's Pills (Updated each weekday)
Friday, Dec 6
North Korea has warned the United States that we should prepare for an unspecified “Christmas
gift.” *** Dang, I hate it when North Korea draws our name in “Secret Santa.”
Thursday, Dec 5
In a tense moment at yesterday’s NATO conference, President Trump said Canadian Prime Minister
Trudeau was “two-faced.” *** That was quite a nasty insult, because Mr. Trump has absolutely no respect for
people who are “two faced” … or, actually, anything less than five.
Wednesday, Dec 4
In a recent interview, Brad Pitt said emotional moments now often cause him to cry, but previously,
over the past 20 years, he had never cried. *** Hmmm, apparently Angelina wasn’t a very good
Tuesday, Dec 3
A recent study of pre-historic fossils found that for 70 million years snakes had rear legs. *** Sadly,
throughout their 70 million year evolution those poor reptiles had to put up with never ending “snake jokes” and
cruel taunts about “pushing on a rope.”
Monday, Dec 2
After serving nearly a year and half of his prison sentence, Bill Cosby has finally broken his silence.
*** It was reportedly right after the cafeteria introduced “Burrito Night.”
Friday, Nov 29
At Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, the winds subsided and all the big balloons were able to participate. ***
Officials had been especially concerned that strong winds could blow the diapers off the Trump balloon.
Wednesday, Nov 27
McDonald's employees in Chicago are suing the company over a store redesign that has made it
easier for angry customers to leap over the counter and attack them. *** And they say it didn’t help when
management revised the menu to list all the assault options and the jail time for each.
Tuesday, Nov 26
In Rochester, New York, an 82 year old body-building grandmother successfully fought off a man who
broke into her home. *** Coincidentally, that happened in the same neighborhood where police had
previously responded to reports of a badly beaten-up reindeer.
Monday, Nov 25
Kim Kardashian has posted an Instagram photo of herself in a glamorous but poorly fitting gown, with
the caption, "How good would this Versace dress have been if it fit." *** Well, Kim, perhaps that
particular fabric just wasn’t available in the necessary width.
Friday, Nov 22
Captain Dick Stevenson, the bar owner who invented the Sourtoe Cocktail, which is served with a
mummified human toe, has died, and he willed all his toes to the bar. *** Forget the disgusting drink; the
grossest thing is when the bartender pulls out the box of toes and plays “This little piggy went to market…”
Thursday, Nov 21
Doctors Beth Malow, Olivia Veatch and Kanika Bagai published an article in “JAMA Neurology”
recommending an end to daylight savings time. *** Carnac the Magnificent rips open the envelope and
reads, “Name three people with PhD’s who can’t figure out how to reset their clocks.”
Wednesday, Nov 20
A British study found that a growing number of elderly people in their 90’s are being hospitalized for
using cocaine. *** That’s unbelievable—it’s gotta be really tough to snort coke with a stiff neck, weak lungs and
excessive nose hairs.
Tuesday, Nov 19
The FDA has accused the Dollar Tree of selling unsafe drugs. *** They also pointed out that buying drugs
at the Dollar Tree is like going to Tuffy Muffler for an organ transplant.
Monday, Nov 18
Hillary Clinton claimed that “many, many, many” people are urging her to run for president again. ***
However, after intense questioning from CNN fact finders, she admitted that it might only be “many, many.”
Friday, Nov 15
In Russia, police apprehended a well-known college professor and found that his backpack contained
two severed arms. *** Well, you know how those academic types always like to go to faculty parties and rub
Thursday, Nov 14
Famed lawyer Alan Dershowitz, 81 years old, is counter-suing a woman who accused him of sexual
abuse, and he claims her accusations have caused him “anxiety, stress, mental anguish, and the
physical effects therefrom; medical conditions including but not limited to cardiac conditions; and
other ailments." *** On the other hand, he said it might just be old age.
Wednesday, Nov 13
Former president Jimmy Carter was hospitalized this week and doctors relieved pressure on his brain
with surgery. *** Some presidents, however, prefer to relieve pressure on their brain by not using it.
Tuesday, Nov 12
Madonna is being sued by a fan who is accusing her of scheduling her upcoming Miami concerts with
a start time that's too late. *** By about 30 years.
Monday, Nov 11
The USDA has issued a nationwide recall of 2 million pounds of chicken. *** In other words, all the
politicians who won’t criticize the president.
Friday, Nov 8
Smugglers from Mexico have used inexpensive power saws to repeatedly cut through the newest
portion of the border wall, which President Trump had touted as the “Rolls-Royce version.” ***
Apparently that’s the version where you just relax while your chauffeur does the cutting.
Thursday, Nov 7
There was momentary chaos at Amsterdam’s Schiphol Airport after a pilot mistakenly triggered a plane’
s hijacking alarm. *** Apparently the alarm button is too close to the switch that activates the hidden cameras
in the lavatories.
Wednesday, Nov 6
An American art forger, Tony Tetro, is claiming he forged three paintings—a Monet, a Picasso and a
Dali—that are currently on display at Prince Charles’ estate. *** Investigators say the paintings appear
genuine but they’re not sure Prince Charles is for real.
Tuesday, Nov 5
As she approaches her 30th birthday, Emma Watson says she’s completely happy still being single,
although she calls it “self-partnered.” *** She says there are many advantages to her lifestyle, including
half-price rates at couples therapy.
Monday, Nov 4
The king of Thailand dismissed two palace officials who were responsible for overseeing the royal
palace bedrooms because of adultery and unspecified violent conduct. *** But mostly because the
bedspread had wrinkles and the pillows weren’t fluffed.
|High Impact Humor
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|Bill has been the Master of Ceremonies and
performed his stand-up comedy at numerous comedy
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(Click "Performing" to see video clips.)