Today's Dosage of Bill's Pills   (Updated each weekday)
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Monday, Jul 13

The Kansas City Chiefs negotiated a $503 million deal with quarterback
Patrick Mahomes, but to make sure he stays healthy his contract prohibits
him from participating in other sports or dangerous activities.   ***
 And, in a
related move, contracts for the team’s offensive linemen now have a “Covid
clause” which states they must not only protect Mr. Mahomes from getting
sacked, but they also have to keep the defensive players at least 6 feet away.

Friday, Jul 10

Dr. Leana Wen, a public health professor at George Washington University,
said a new wave of Covid-19 could coincide with the upcoming flu season,
and the nation would face a “double whammy.”
 ***  However, Dr. Wen was
unable to explain why Covid alone had never been classified as a single whammy.

Thursday, Jul 9

In this challenging, confusing, topsy-turvy world, sometimes I don’t know
which way is up.
 ***  But, I’m making progress—yesterday I fell down and said,
“OK, it’s not that way,”

Wednesday, Jul 8

Police in the Netherlands arrested six men before they were able to use a
torture chamber that had been set up in a sound-proof shipping container
and was equipped with a reclining chair to strap in their victims, various
sharp instruments  
 ***  and a large screen TV programmed with an endless
loop of Hallmark Christmas Movies.

Tuesday, Jul 7

To reduce the spread of coronavirus, some experts are telling people they
shouldn’t sing in church.
 ***  Heck, they’ve been telling me that all my life.

Monday, Jul 6

Former security experts are concerned that the President’s failure to read
some of the morning briefings could endanger international relations.
As Confucius once said, “Man who not look at briefs in morning often spend rest
of day on no-fly list.”

Friday, Jul 3

To provide Covid-free, stay-in-your-car entertainment, Walmart just
announced that 160 of its stores will convert their parking lots into drive-in
***  Actually, I thought they already were.

Thursday, Jul 2

In response to an increasing level of public concern,  even President
Trump’s own advisers have begun wearing face masks.
 ***    Now, in the
daily security briefings, they can make a negative comment and the President  
can’t tell who said it.

Wednesday, Jul 1

Vatican officials announced that the late Carlo Acutis, who had been a
teenage Italian computer whiz, is progressing on the path to sainthood and
could eventually be designated as the patron saint of the internet.
Which is pretty much how we all feel about anyone who recovers data from our
crashed hard drive.

Tuesday, Jun 30

I’ve been using this “stay home” time to organize things and make the
house a bit more “senior-friendly.”
 ***  For example, in the refrigerator I
installed a little hook for the car keys.

Monday, Jun 29

Actor Dennis Quaid, 66, married Laura Savoie, 27, earlier this month and in
an interview with People magazine he said their age difference just isn’t an
 ***  Although he is a little concerned that Ms. Savoie made him get “DNR”
tattooed on his forehead.

Friday, Jun 26

Unable to recover from the loss of income during the Covid-related
shutdown, the Chuck E. Cheese pizza-and-arcade chain has declared
bankruptcy, but is hoping to restructdure and stay in business.
 ***  Closure
off the 266 locations would be devastating news for millions of kids, and for
companies that sell ear plugs.

Thursday, Jun 25

In a recent podcast interview, Miley Cyrus announced that she has been
sober for the past six months, and says the best part of sobriety is
“waking up 100%” every morning and feeling great.
 ***  She also revealed
that she’s writing a song about her years of excessive drinking. It’s called “Achy
Breaky Head.”

Wednesday, Jun 24

A representative for Heather Locklear has confirmed that the 58-year-old
actress is engaged to Chris Heisser, her “high school sweetheart.”
Unfortunately, because of Covid-related event cancelations, they won’t be able to
combine the wedding ceremony with his graduation party.

Tuesday, Jun 23

This past weekend the director of the Harvard Global Health Institute,
Ashish Jha, warned that Covid-related precautions and restrictions may be
needed for 12 more months.
   ***   Of course, this “new normal” also means
new opportunities. For example, U-Haul will be applying its truck-rental business
model to a new subsidiary that will rent out Covid related medical equipment and
supplies. It’s called “U-Heal.”  

Monday, Jun 22

Last week, world-famous 100-year-old tortoise “Diego” – of the species
Chelonoidis hoodensis -- returned to his native Galapagos archipelago.
Fifty years ago, Diego was moved from the San Diego Zoo to nearby Santa
Cruz Island for a special breeding program in which he saved his species
from extinction by siring over 800 offspring.
 ***  And yet…yesterday
(Father's Day)…(sniffle)…not a single card.

Friday, Jun 19

In the Los Angeles suburb of Sierra Madre, a woman napping in her back
yard was attacked by a bear, but reportedly fought it off with her laptop
 ***  Apparently she aimed the built-in camera at the wild animal, and
as soon as its image appeared on her screen she hit “Delete.”

Thursday, Jun 18

To avoid coronavirus, Russian President Vladimir Putin is not only working
from home, but he also installed a special entry passage in which visitors
walk through a fine mist of disinfectant.
 ***  Scientists have not yet confirmed
the effectiveness of the mist in killing the virus, but Mr. Putin’s tailor says it does a
great job of taking out wrinkles.

Wednesday, Jun 17

Relations between North and South Korea continue to deteriorate, and on
Tuesday North Korea used explosive devices to demolish a building that
had been used to improve communications between the two sides.
Apparently, because of limited access to the Internet, that’s the North Korean
version of clicking “Unfriend.”

Tuesday, Jun 16

As Americans continue to be concerned about the nation’s food supply,
there has been renewed interest in the 1930’s recipe for “depression
cake,” which can be made without milk, butter or eggs, and is surprising
 ***  And these days it’s usually served with a scoop of “anxiety ice cream.”

Monday, Jun 15

Yesterday was National Bourbon Day, and I celebrated it all day long.  ***  I
don’t know when National Aspirin Day is, but I started celebrating it first thing this

Friday, Jun 12

During a Zoom virtual meeting of town officials in Surfside, Florida,
commissioner Eliana Salzhouer became furious after repeatedly being put
on “mute” by mayor Charles Burket, and she angrily held up the middle
fingers on both hands.
 ***   Town residents watching the meeting online were
shocked at what they were seeing and immediately demanded to know where
she had had her nails done.

Thursday, Jun 11

Actress Kirsten Dunst and her family recently returned from New Zealand,
and she described one bright spot in the subsequent quarantine involving
her 2-year old son: "Yesterday we let him be naked all day and he'd pee
outside in the grass; he was so happy he could pee like a dog.”
 ***  Gee, if
that makes the kid happy, he’ll be ecstatic when he learns to spell and can write
his name in the snow.

Wednesday, Jun 10

North and South Korea have had a routine of calling each other twice a day
to maintain lines of communication, but on Monday, for the first time in 21
months, they didn’t talk.
 ***  Apparently Verizon cancelled their service after
concluding that tensions between the two countries were so high that they no
longer qualified for the Friends and Family Plan.    

Tuesday, Jun 9

The pilot of a U.S. helicopter patrolling over Detroit contacted Windsor
police to report someone aiming a laser beam at him from the Canadian
side of the Detroit River, and the fleeing suspect was quickly located and
apprehended, thanks to international cooperation, good police work…  
…and the fact that the idiot forgot to turn off his laser.

Monday, Jun 8

Governor Whitmer has announced that Michigan barbershops and hair
salons can re-open on June 15th.
  ***   State law enforcement agencies are
now bracing for an anticipated increase in crimes as people no longer fear posing
for a mug shot without a decent haircut.   
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