|Today's Dosage of Bill's Pills (Updated each weekday)
Friday, Feb 28
According to the “Journal of Studies on Alcohol and Drugs,” a woman recently ingested an amount of
LSD equivalent to 550 recreational doses and she not only survived, but found that her lifelong foot
pain was dramatically reduced. *** However, after taking the drug she did behave a bit erratically and is now
trying to figure out what to do with over 2,000 tie-dyed T-shirts.
Thursday, Feb 27
Shares of Tupperware Inc. tumbled 43% and hit a record low after the company announced it is
investigating reports of accounting irregularities. *** Hmmmm, sounds like someone’s been burping the
Wednesday, Feb 26
The Russo & Steele auction company has just canceled its classic car auction scheduled for Florida’s
Amelia Island next month, and a company spokesman explained that the site is “too marshy and there
are problems with snakes.” *** Hey guys, so is Washington D.C., but somehow people there still manage to
sell things to the highest bidder.
Tuesday, Feb 25
According to the “Journal of the American Medical Association,” in a 2006 survey 0.4% of seniors over
65 said they had used marijuana products in the past 12 months, while in a 2018 survey that number
jumped to 4.2%. *** Researchers said the data confirms a very surprising trend: Seniors are becoming more
and more honest.
Monday, Feb 24
Sharon Osborne recently changed her hair color and several reporters commented that she is “not
recognizable with bright white hair.” *** Of course, she’d be totally unrecognizable if she was seen with a
Friday, Feb 21
A ten-year University of Missouri study of nearly 6,000 people showed that those who played golf lived
significantly longer. *** After those findings were announced, thousands of ecstatic Trump supporters were
dancing in the streets, shouting, “Hooray! Hooray! He’s gonna live FOREVER!”
Thursday, Feb 20
In an MSNBC interview, former White House communications director Anthony Scaramucci claimed
that President Trump thinks he’s a king. *** White House officials vigorously denied that accusation,
although they did admit that Mr. Trump recently panicked when he overheard a TV weather reporter saying, “We
expect the rain to end soon.”
Wednesday, Feb 19
A few days ago, 10,000 men In Okayama, Japan stripped down for the annual Hadaka Matsuri, or
“Naked Festival.” *** Or, to paraphrase Hans Christian Anderson, “The Empire Has No Clothes.”
Tuesday, Feb 18
In a Walmart parking lot in Peachtree City, Georgia, a man tripped up a fleeing thief by shoving a
grocery cart into his path. *** According to several witnesses, the thief had almost gotten away by the time
the hero finally found a cart without a rattling wheel.
Monday, Feb 17
In announcing Kellogg’s launch of its “Incogmeato” brand of plant-based burgers, bratwurst and
Italian sausage, a company official said, “These products were designed to look, cook and smell just
like beef.” *** And to emphasize the similarity to real beef, the first commercial will feature Tony the Tiger
saying, “They’re GRRRREASY!”
Friday, Feb 14
A British writer, Ellen Scott, recently coined the term “Valentighting,” which she says is “the
heartbreaking act of dumping someone right before Valentine’s Day because you’re too much of a
tightwad to buy them a gift.” *** How sad (sniff, sniff)…think of all the beautiful relationships that could have
been saved if only the guy had found a really good coupon.
Thursday, Feb 13
To help identify and delete “fake news,” Facebook announced it will be using news agency Reuters to
fact-check posted content. *** In a sternly-worded message, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg warned that
seniors claiming to have the world’s most beautiful grandchildren better have proof.
Wednesday, Feb 12
Queen Elizabeth recently gave Prince William, the Duke of Cornwall, the additional title of “Lord High
Commissioner to the General Assembly of the Church of Scotland.” *** She also told the royal staff to
order extra-large name tags for the next Buckingham Palace meet-and-greet.
Tuesday, Feb 11
Cindy Crawford’s son, Presley Gerber, just got a new face tattoo under his right eye, the word
“MISUNDERSTOOD.” *** Actually, that word was suggested by his publicist, who thought it would be better than
Presley’s original choice, “LYING DOG-FACED PONY SOLDIER.”
Monday, Feb 10
A family is suing American Airlines after they were kicked off a recent flight following passenger
complaints of offensive body odor. *** Meanwhile, Homeland Security announced it is reconsidering its plan
to expand the TSA Pre-Check program with TSA Pre-Sniff.
Friday, Feb 7
New federal data shows a dramatic increase in the number of students who are homeless. *** Sadly,
researchers conducting the survey had to tell students that “home” is not the place you go to by clicking on the
little icon in the shape of a house.
Thursday, Feb 6
Immediately after Prince Harry and Meghan stepped down from their royal duties, Queen Elizabeth
took away their royal titles. *** In the past, that sort of thing required an official proclamation, but now she was
able to just go to their Facebook page and click on “Unroyal.”
Wednesday, Feb 5
John Roth, the mayor of Mahwah, New Jersey, has admitted to getting drunk at a staff party and then
taking off his trousers and crawling into an employee's bed. *** Or, as they call it in New Jersey,
Tuesday, Feb 4
According to a recently filed lawsuit, the discredited self-help group Nxivm didn’t just lure clients into
a “sex cult,” but also forced them into some sort of “pyramid scheme.” *** Gee, I bet that made the sex
part somewhat difficult.
Monday, Feb 3
In South Africa, investigators discovered that the passenger who attacked three British Airways flight
attendants and shattered glassware after being denied six Bloody Marys had been on her way to a
rehab clinic. *** The pilot later apologized and said if he had known that’s where she was headed he would
have dropped her off.
Friday, Jan 31
According to a federal report issued yesterday, life expectancy in the U.S. has increased for the first
time in four years. *** Unfortunately, the government added a footnote to clarify that “life expectancy” isn’t
WHAT you can expect to get out of life, just WHEN.
Thursday, Jan 30
In its latest update, the Oxford English Dictionary has added 29 common Nigerian words and
expressions, such as "next tomorrow," which means the day after tomorrow. *** For example: “I promise
to ship you the gold bars next tomorrow.”
Wednesday, Jan 29
To encourage motorists to reduce their speed in work zones, Pennsylvania officials have begun a
"pre-enforcement" period and are using hi-tech electronics to monitor speeding in those areas. ***
And to make sure drivers see that they’re approaching a work zone, the system will automatically send them a text.
Tuesday, Jan 28
Senate Democrats say information from a manuscript shows that John Bolton should immediately be
called to testify, but the Republicans are divided on what to do. *** Half of them want to wait for the book
and the other half want to wait for the movie.
Monday, Jan 27
Fran Drescher—the former “Nanny” star—says she is not actively dating but does have a “friend with
benefits.” *** If she still has that screechy, whiny, annoying Nanny voice, then I’m guessing her gentleman
friend a) was deaf when he met her, or b) soon became deaf, or c) now wishes he was deaf.
|High Impact Humor
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|Bill has been the Master of Ceremonies and
performed his stand-up comedy at numerous comedy
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(Click "Performing" to see video clips.)