|Today's Dosage of Bill's Pills (Updated each weekday)
Bill’s Pills will be on hiatus this week and next week (the weeks of Oct 26
and Nov 2). Daily joke posting will resume Monday, Nov 9. Take care, stay
Friday, Oct 23
A North Carolina man was charged with attempted fraud after applying for
$6 million in Paycheck Protection Program loans using fictitious names
from the medieval drama "Game of Thrones" *** Federal authorities rejected
his application and told him he missed the filing deadline by about 1,000 years.
Thursday, Oct 22
A fashion magazine’s series on seasonal fashion trends includes an article
on “14 New Fall Styles.” *** Call me old school, but I still prefer the classic
style, where I’m walking along and my feet just kinda slip out from under me.
Wednesday, Oct 21
The San Diego Zoo’s gorilla exhibit has been temporarily closed to repair
the viewing window which was cracked when a few gorillas got riled up and
began running around the enclosure, and one gorilla aggressively slammed
another one into the glass. *** The police are now asking for the public’s help
in identifying the visitor who showed the gorillas a professional hockey game on
his cell phone.
Monday, Oct 19
Icon, the maker NordicTrack and other fitness machines, is suing
competitor Peloton, claiming the design of Peloton’s new stationary bike
infringes on several Icon patents. *** Icon claims it invented the general
concept of a bicycle that wouldn’t actually go anywhere even if you did use it, as
well as specific design features such as timer-activated fans to periodically blow
off the dust and handlebars that double as clothes racks.
Friday, Oct 16
Actress Margaret Nolan, whose gold-painted body was the backdrop for
the opening credits of “Goldfinger,” has passed away at the age of 76.
*** Today’s riddle: How is a gold-plated “Bond Girl” like a blow-up doll? They
both become more valuable with inflation.
Thursday, Oct 15
Wells Fargo recently fired more than 100 employees for misrepresenting
themselves to obtain money from a relief fund for small businesses. ***
In a fraudulent attempt to capitalize on the Wells Fargo brand, the employees had
identified their jobs as “stationmaster,” “stagecoach driver,” and “that guy who
sits by the driver and carries a shotgun.”
Tuesday, Oct 13
The German government has warned the King of Thailand, who frequently
travels to Bavaria for extended stays, to stop trying to rule his country
remotely from German soil. *** The monarch’s arrangement came to light
when a Thai citizen noticed that the king’s most confusing edicts always seemed
to coincide with Oktoberfest.
Monday, Oct 12
Wesley Barnes, the American who faced a prison sentence in Thailand for
posting a negative review of the Sea View resort, has apologized for his
blunt online comments and, in exchange, the resort has dropped its
complaint. *** In a negotiated compromise regarding future reviews,
authorities said Mr. Barnes would be allowed to include an occasional negative
comment, and Mr. Barnes promised to use bold font, all caps, and multiple
exclamation points only for the positive stuff.
Friday, Oct 9
Dollar General, the very profitable chain of bargain stores, announced
plans for 32 up-scale stores named “Popshelf.” *** The company assured
investors that it would continue to maintain low overheads, source products from
the lowest cost suppliers, and never pay someone to come up with a good name
for its stores.
Thursday, Oct 8
McDonald’s has added three pastries to its menu—blueberry muffins, apple
fritters and cinnamon rolls—after surveys indicated a growing market for
baked goods. *** On the other hand, previous product failures, such as Hula
Burgers, Onion McNuggets and McHotDogs, showed there was no market for
ideas that were only half-baked.
Wednesday, Oct 7
British Vogue magazine has given the “Official Sandal of 2020” award to
the trendy Birkenstock, which has been recommended by podiatrists for its
compliant soles and extra arch support. *** And, for Kim Kardashian, extra
support in the heels.
Tuesday, Oct 6
Kim Richardson, a 63 year old Texas woman, has been sentenced to 54 months
in prison for shoplifting millions of dollars in merchandise over the past 19 years.
*** Ms. Richardson is surprisingly upbeat, and with her shoplifting skills expects
to leave there with an entirely new wardrobe, a complete set of matching
dinnerware and enough books to fill a small library.
Monday, Oct 5
To better accommodate and large numbers of shoppers during peak
periods, Walmart is changing its store layouts and signage, and is studying
airports for best practices. *** Additionally, a company spokesperson
announced that all new shopping carts will have two wheels and a retractable
Friday, Oct 2
Three employees at New York’s Grand Central Terminal were suspended
after it was discovered that they had converted an unused underground
room into a fully equipped “man cave.” *** Beer fridge? Check. Microwave
oven? Check. Futon couch? Check. Large screen TV? Check. Ten steps away
from a subway boarding platform with travel connections to anywhere in the
Thursday, Oct 1
A woman who gave birth onboard an airplane enroute to an Anchorage
hospital has named her son Sky. *** He’s a lucky dude; one hour later and he
would have been named Baggage Claim.
Wednesday, Sep 30
Marines training at Camp Lejeune have been told to stop running in the
dark after three reports of coyote attacks. *** After a thorough investigation,
a camp spokesperson said they had no idea that “Oohrah” was so similar to a
coyote mating call.
Tuesday, Sep 29
Ford has issued a recall for certain 2020 Mustangs because the bracket
that holds the brake pedal may fracture during panic stops. *** All Ford
dealerships are equipped to replace the broken brackets and clean the driver’s
Monday, Sep 28
Wesley Barnes, a U.S. citizen working in Thailand, was arrested for posting
a negative review of the Sea View Resort on TripAdvisor and could face up
to two years in prison. *** In hopes of getting a reduced sentence, Mr.
Barnes has promised to write glowing reviews about the all-inclusive offerings of
Thai prisons, their low-maintenance landscaping, and the best food ever served
with plastic utensils.
Friday, Sep 25
Cardinal Angelo Becciu, the head of the Congregation for the Causes of
Saints (the Vatican’s “saint-making” office) has resigned after being
indirectly implicated in a financial scandal. *** Church authorities became
suspicious of a crime and cover-up when the Cardinal’s nominees for sainthood
included Louie the Loanshark and two Vatican auditors.
Thursday, Sep 24
As is the holiday tradition in our community, workers have begun draping
more than one million Christmas lights over all the storefronts on Main
Street. *** Doing that in September might seem a bit early, but if the lights don’t
turn on when they throw the switch, it could take months to find which bulb had
Wednesday, Sep 23
In the wake of the college admission scandals erupting last year, a
California state investigation found that UC Berkeley also improperly
admitted dozens of underqualified, often wealthy students. *** A
university spokesperson declined to comment on the findings, but said the head
of the admissions office would issue a formal statement as soon as he returns
from cruising the Caribbean in his new yacht.
Tuesday, Sep 22
Giuseppe Fanara, a Sicilian mafia boss serving a life sentence at Italy’s
Rebibbia prison, got in a fight with a guard and bit off the man’s finger. ***
You know, I think those Sicilian mobsters take the term “a knuckle sandwich” a
bit too literally.
Monday, Sep 21
Michigan’s Marijuana Regulatory Agency is recalling batches that failed
safety tests because of excessive amounts of yeast and mold. ***
Additionally, the agency cautioned consumers that due to disturbing conditions
across the United States even the most potent strains are unlikely to provide
anything close to desired level of euphoria.
|High Impact Humor
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(Click "Performing" to see video clips.)