Today's Dosage of Bill's Pills   (Updated each weekday)
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Friday, Aug 16

After announcing their separation, Liam Hemsworth and Miley Cyrus began exchanging accusations of
infidelity, drug use and excessive partying, although their official statement noted that they remain
“dedicated parents to all of their animals.”  
 ***   Yeah, well, they’re not setting a very good example.

Thursday, Aug 15

After escalating the confrontations with police and causing flights to be canceled for two days,
protestors at the Hong Kong airport have issued a public apology.
 ***  They said they were very sorry for
trampling the chrysanthemums.

Wednesday, Aug 14

New England Patriots QB Tom Brady is testing a helmet that has been re-designed to provide greater
protection.  ***
 He needs to make sure he still looks good in the instant replays and close-ups.

Tuesday, Aug 13

A driver for Peter Pan Bus Lines is in trouble for allegedly locking a passenger inside the luggage
compartment on a trip from New York to Boston.
***  This was a direct violation of the Peter Pan regulations,
which prohibit any action that takes away a person’s shadow.

Monday, Aug 12

In a British survey, 89% of Millennials said their lives have no purpose.  *** Well, other than taking

Friday, Aug 9

After years of study, scientists have concluded that animal bones found in New Zealand are from a
giant parrot that lived 20 million years ago and was over 3 feet tall.  
***  In those days, if Polly wanted a
cracker, you darn well better give her one.

Thursday, Aug 8

A South Korean cult leader was arrested after convincing her followers to pay $25,000 so they could
travel to Fiji, where they would “live for eternity.”
 ***  Yeah, immortality would be nice…if it wasn’t so darn

Wednesday, Aug 7

President Trump has spoken out against video games that feature excessive violence.  ***  He said
every game should allow players to avoid violent combat scenarios by going to “Settings” and clicking on “Bone

Tuesday, Aug 6

A Word-of-the-Day recently featured by Word Genius was “senescence,” which means “the aging
 ***   To further explain it, here’s the word used in a sentence: “Senescence sucks.”

Monday, Aug 5

The founders of Ben and Jerry’s Ice Cream have created a new flavor, “Bernie’s Back,” to honor
Bernie Sanders.
  ***  It tastes pretty good, but you have to share it with everyone who doesn’t have any ice

Friday, Aug 2

To promote their new line of denim clothing, Kendall and Kylie Jenner appear in a Macy’s ad wearing
only jeans and nothing else.
 ***   I believe their message is this: If you buy our bottoms, you can’t afford a top.

Thursday, Aug 1

A Delta pilot was removed as his flight was about to depart because of signs that he was drunk.  ***   In
accordance with federal regulations, authorities overlooked his slurred speech and rambling commentary, but had
to step in when he started to forget the punchlines to all his jokes.

Wednesday, Jul 31

In Lake Worth, Florida, a man parked his electric Tesla on a stranger’s lawn without permission and
plugged in the car overnight to re-charge.
 ***   Having dealt with Tesla owners before, police asked
residents to be on the lookout for someone looking excessively smug.

Tuesday, Jul 30

British police made several arrests after a violent brawl broke out on the cruise ship Britannia.  ***  A
cruise line spokesman apologized for the disruption and said proper Brits would have resolved their differences
with a lively game of shuffleboard.

Monday, Jul 29

North Korea has just released a photo of Kim Jong Un posing near a new submarine.   ***  It’s apparently
an amazing leap in technology—the picture was taken at the DMZ with the periscope sticking up through the dirt.

Friday, Jul 26

In an interview on “Good Morning America,” former Disney star Bella Thorne announced that she is
“pansexual.”  ***
 I’m not sure exactly what that means, but PLEASE…keep her out of the kitchen!

Thursday, Jul 25

A man in Lagos, Nigeria terrified passengers when he jumped on the wing of a jet as it taxied for take-
off and then tried to enter the cabin.
  ***  He was immediately arrested and banned from watching re-runs of
“The Twilight Zone.”

Wednesday, Jul 24

Iran posted a video of its soldiers rappelling from a helicopter onto the deck of a British tanker, which
is an effective method of taking control of a ship.
 ***  They say it’s also a good way to get to the front of the
buffet line.

Tuesday, Jul 23

For the upcoming sequel of “Top Gun,” producers removed the Taiwanese flag from Tom Cruise’s
iconic bomber jacket, presumably to appease Chinese investors.
 ***  In another sign of Chinese influence,
his call sign has been changed to “Mavelick.”  

Monday, Jul 22

Jennifer Lopez stars as a professional stripper in the upcoming movie “Hustlers,” about a group of
strippers who con wealthy scoundrels out of their money.
  ***   It’s a bit more interesting than the original
concept, “Scammers,” in which she would have just stayed home in her jammies and phoned old people.

Wednesday, Jul 17

Whoopi Goldberg revealed that she needs a personal driver because health issues have caused her
eyesight to deteriorate.
  ***    I’ve never watched the show, but is that why she has co-hosts on “The View”?     

Tuesday, Jul 16

H. Ross Perot has died at the age of 89; as a presidential candidate he famously said “that giant
sucking sound” is American jobs leaving the country.
  ***   Now the giant sucking sound is Mr. Perot trying
to take all his money with him.

Monday, Jul 15

In Guthrie, Oklahoma, police pulled over two people driving a stolen car with an open bottle of
whiskey, a rattlesnake and radioactive uranium.
 ***  The amazing thing is that most men could come up with
a story to make all of that sound perfectly reasonable…but would struggle to explain lipstick on their collar.
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