Today's Dosage of Bill's Pills   (Updated each weekday)
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Friday, Jun 21

A Delta flight from Indianapolis to Paris was diverted to Detroit to deplane a passenger who had
smacked a flight attendant.
 ***  He was last overheard telling an FBI agent, “Honest, when she came by with
the cart I thought she said ‘Time for smacks.’ I thought well, maybe things are different here in first class.”

Thursday, Jun 20

Cuba Gooding Jr., whose film credits include “A Few Good Men,” has been accused of groping an
unknown woman in a New York City bar.
 ***  Mr. Gooding is hoping the subsequent legal actions won’t
interfere with the filming of his latest movie, “A Few Good Men and One Creepy One.”

Wednesday, Jun 19

Facebook recently shut down 2.28 billion fraudulent accounts.  ***   Using a highly complex sorting
algorithm, they took down any account that didn’t have selfies, grandchildren or a cat video.

Tuesday, Jun 18

OJ Simpson has been released from prison and he says he’s going to spend some time “getting
  ***  Yeah -- even meaner, even creepier and even dumber.

Monday, June 17

This past weekend Mass was celebrated at Notre Dame Cathedral for the first time since the fire, and
because of the risk from falling debris the congregation and the priests all wore protective hard
  ***  And, as usual, the altar boys all wore their protective underwear.  

Friday, Jun 14

The mayor of Bruges, Belgium is trying to control the influx of tourists and he said, “We don't want it
to become a complete Disneyland here.”
 ***  On the other hand, he did put up all those signs that say, “You
must be THIS tall to visit Bruges.”

Thursday, Jun 13

Burger King is condemning the actions of an employee after a customer’s video showed him cleaning
a table with a floor mop.
 ***  Well, at least he didn’t use the toilet bowl brush.

Wednesday, Jun 12

According to an environmental advocacy group, traces of weed killer have been found in many
brands of cereal.
  ***   Well, that certainly explains why I’ve never seen dandelions in my Cheerios.

Tuesday, Jun 11

An oak tree that was planted on the South Lawn of the White House last year by French President
Macron and American President Trump has died.
  ***   Maybe they took the international friendship theme
too far when they watered it with French wine and fertilized it with Big Macs.

Monday, Jun 10

A recent study by the British Heart Association found that people can drink as much as 25 cups of
coffee a day without damaging their heart.  ***
 With that much caffeine most of their injuries will come from
starting fights in the line at Starbucks.

Friday, Jun 7

Beverly Hills has become the first U.S. city to ban the sale of tobacco products, and Mayor John
Mirisch proclaimed, “This reflects the values of our community.”
  ***   He said the people of Beverly Hills
believe money is better spent on facelifts, tummy tucks and tanning salons.

Thursday, Jun 6

Contrary to earlier reports, Kim Jong Un apparently showed some restraint and did not execute the
man who led the failed denuclearization talks with President Trump.
 ***   He only executed the guy
responsible for the cold coffee and stale croissants.

Wednesday, Jun 5

Ireland is changing its divorce laws because the current process is overly restrictive and unfair.  ***  
For example, to file the necessary paperwork, men actually have to leave the pub.

Tuesday, Jun 4

The Coach & Horses pub in London has just been granted a nudist license, so now the staff and
customers can all be naked.
 ***  Men should probably not order their whiskey “on the rocks.”

Monday, Jun 3

A United Nations human rights investigator says Julian Assange has been suffering from
psychological torture.   ***
 Dozens of visits from Pamela Anderson and she never wore her swimsuit from

Friday, May 31

In England, court documents have revealed how the wife of a jailed banker managed to run up
charges of $20 million dollars at Harrods.
  ***  First of all, she didn’t use coupons.

Thursday, May 30

During a recent news conference, Congressman Jerry Nadler, Chairman of the House Judiciary
Committee, appeared to faint.
 ***  He just heard that a republican had actually complied with one of his

Wednesday, May 29

In northern France, a 102 year old woman is suspected of killing her 92 year old neighbor.  ***  
Previously, her way of dealing with enemies was just to outlive them.

Tuesday, May 28

Lawyer Michael Avenatti has been charged with defrauding Stormy Daniels of $300,000 and committing
“identity theft.”
 ***  Of course, that whole stolen identity thing fell apart when he did his first pole dance.

Friday, May 24

Grumpy the Cat has died.   ***   Had 9 lives, wanted 10.

Thursday, May 23

It was recently revealed that actor Luke Perry had been buried in an eco-friendly “mushroom suit.”  
***  Seems strange, but I guess it’s just a matter of personal taste. Frankly, I’d prefer pepperoni.

Wednesday, May 22

Agriculture experts say President Trump’s tariffs on Chinese products is helping U.S. garlic farmers,
who had difficulty competing with cheaper garlic from China.  
***  China, however, has threatened to
retaliate by withholding all shipments of breath mints.

Tuesday, May 21

Facebook officials recently revealed a serious security flaw in the “WhatsApp” platform.  ***  They said
that due to a loophole in the software, it’s possible for the site to be used by seniors.

Monday, May 20

According to an extensive study by the Reputation Institute, the retailer that has established the best
reputation is Barnes & Noble.
 ***  Actually, Barnes & Noble didn’t “write the book” on developing a good
reputation, but they probably sold it.
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