|Today's Dosage of Bill's Pills (Updated each weekday)
Monday, Nov 11
The USDA has issued a nationwide recall of 2 million pounds of chicken. *** In other words, all the
politicians who won’t criticize the president.
Friday, Nov 8
Smugglers from Mexico have used inexpensive power saws to repeatedly cut through the newest
portion of the border wall, which President Trump had touted as the “Rolls-Royce version.” ***
Apparently that’s the version where you just relax while your chauffeur does the cutting.
Thursday, Nov 7
There was momentary chaos at Amsterdam’s Schiphol Airport after a pilot mistakenly triggered a plane’
s hijacking alarm. *** Apparently the alarm button is too close to the switch that activates the hidden cameras
in the lavatories.
Wednesday, Nov 6
An American art forger, Tony Tetro, is claiming he forged three paintings—a Monet, a Picasso and a
Dali—that are currently on display at Prince Charles’ estate. *** Investigators say the paintings appear
genuine but they’re not sure Prince Charles is for real.
Tuesday, Nov 5
As she approaches her 30th birthday, Emma Watson says she’s completely happy still being single,
although she calls it “self-partnered.” *** She says there are many advantages to her lifestyle, including
half-price rates at couples therapy.
Monday, Nov 4
The king of Thailand dismissed two palace officials who were responsible for overseeing the royal
palace bedrooms because of adultery and unspecified violent conduct. *** But mostly because the
bedspread had wrinkles and the pillows weren’t fluffed.
Friday, Nov 1
The Ronald Regan Presidential Library in Simi Valley was evacuated as the California wildfires got
dangerously close. *** Authorities said they were concerned about the extreme flammability of jelly beans.
Thursday, Oct 31
Kanye West says he is “working for God” and his “job is spreading the Gospel.” *** Ah, a textbook
example of how low unemployment results in a shortage of qualified candidates.
Wednesday, Oct 30
Shigeru Miyamoto, the creator of video games such as Donkey Kong, Mario Bros., and The Legend of
Zelda, will be given the “Person of Cultural Merit” award by the Japanese Government. *** Historians
say it is the first time the award has been given to someone who has never been on a date and still lives in their
Tuesday, Oct 29
At 61 years old, Madonna is dating a 24 year old guy who is one of her back up dancers. *** They’re
called that because when Madonna falls down, they help her get back up.
Monday, Oct 28
A woman who was ejected from the Cannery casino in Las Vegas came back with her Winnebago
motor home and drove through the front entrance, intentionally running over a custodian (who is now
recovering). *** Apparently she wanted to make a clean getaway.
Friday, Oct 25
The Chemistry Club at Wayne State University has built the world’s largest periodic table, measuring
almost 600 feet wide. *** And that doesn’t even include the chairs.
Thursday, Oct 24
Kim Jong Un says he plans to tear down facilities built by South Korea at a joint resort project in North
Korea because they are “shabby and unpleasant looking.” *** The South Korean government disagreed,
saying the buildings are actually quite attractive…and they said the upper floors will provide a terrific view of
Wednesday, Oct 23
Four American Airlines flight attendants arriving at the Miami airport with $22,000 in cash were
arrested for suspected money laundering. *** Authorities are investigating their claim that at airport prices
that barely covers their Cinnabon habit and souvenir T-shirts for all the relatives.
Tuesday, Oct 22
A family of moose was recently seen casually walking at a shopping mall in Jackson, Wyoming, but
residents of the area said that was not unusual. *** However, they said normally the moose don’t shop
until the day-after-Thanksgiving sales.
Monday, Oct 21
Kanye West told wife Kim Kardashian that a corset-style dress she wore to a recent event was “too
sexy” and was hurting his “spiritual journey.” *** In other words, “It makes you look fat.”
Friday, Oct 18
After an analysis of attractive facial proportions as determined by famous artists, cosmetic surgeon
Dr. Julian De Silva announced that Bella Hadid is the most beautiful woman in the world. *** However,
he was interrupted by a colleague, Dr. Kanye West, who declared, “Imma let you finish, but Beyonce is one of the
most beautiful women of all time.”
Thursday, Oct 17
The Paris Zoo is now displaying a strange organism which had befuddled scientists who determined it
has 720 sexes but no brain. *** Sounds like something on “The Kardashians.”
Wednesday, Oct 16
After stranding passengers in the air for several hours last week, Walt Disney World’s Skyliner
gondola has now been re-opened, but with some operational changes. *** Also, they’ve added a sign
showing Mickey Mouse with outstretched arms saying, “To go on this ride, your bladder must be THIS big.”
Tuesday, Oct 15
The chief bodyguard for Pope Francis resigned yesterday as authorities investigated the leak of a
confidential Vatican document. *** The document was apparently top secret; it was kept in a vault and was
reportedly written in an obscure ancient secret code known only as “Latin.”
Monday, Oct 14
A Taiwanese tourist was arrested for wearing a very revealing string bikini at a Philippines resort;
management had told her not to wear it but she said it was “a form of art." *** And now she claims the
authorities were trying to frame her.
Friday, Oct 11
The 2019 Nobel Prize in Literature has been awarded to Peter Handke for “an influential work that with
linguistic ingenuity has explored the periphery and the specificity of human experience." *** In other
words, no pictures.
Thursday, Oct 10
Harley-Davidson announced it will begin manufacturing an electric motorcycle. *** For customers who
miss the roar of a gasoline engine, dealers will install a huge baseball card in the spokes.
Monday, Oct 7
McDonald’s has announced plans to make drive-thru lines considerably shorter. *** All customers will
be required to drive smaller cars.
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|Bill has been the Master of Ceremonies and
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(Click "Performing" to see video clips.)