Today's Dosage of Bill's Pills   (Updated each weekday)
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Friday, Jun 5

The Somerset Collection, a trendy, upscale shopping mall in Troy,
Michigan, recently re-opened when Covid-related restrictions were lifted,
only to close again for a couple days in anticipation of local protests.
  ***   
A Somerset spokesperson said the organization proudly supports the right of free
speech, as long as the demonstrators remain peaceful, respect the mandated
curfew, and adhere to a practical yet reasonably fashionable dress code.


Thursday, Jun 4

After suffering a complete loss of revenue during the Covid-related
shutdown and still facing competition from movies on Internet and cable,
AMC Theatres announced it might be forced to go out of business.
***  On
a positive note, however, AMC locations were immediately swamped with calls
from seniors offering to buy one of those “really comfy recliners” (especially if
AMC throws in a bucket of buttered popcorn and free refills).


Wednesday, Jun 3

The protests in Detroit were relatively peaceful Tuesday night, except for
several arrests for curfew violation during a confrontation between police
and demonstrators on Gratiot Avenue.
 ***  In an effort to identify and
apprehend outside agitators, police were instructed to point to a street sign and
arrest anyone who didn’t know how to pronounce “Gratiot.”


Tuesday, June 2

In a dramatic change of policy, Rodong Sinmun, the official newspaper of
North Korea, announced it will no longer idolize the mystical powers of Kim
Jong-un or claim that the regime's leaders can magically bend time and
space.
 ***   However, government hard-liners immediately took control of the
paper and the headlines read, “Former Editor Disappeared Tomorrow.”


Monday, Jun 1

I bought a cool face mask from the Detroit Institute of Arts that has an
image of the Diego Rivera mural showing auto workers assembling a
chassis, and it’s very impressive.
 ***  You know, folks used to mock me for
wearing a face mask, but when I wore this one yesterday they all pointed at me,
and they must have been real car guys because one of them even said, “Hey
guys, look at that axle!”


Friday, May 29

Amusement parks in Japan are re-opening this week, but to minimize the
spread of coronavirus roller coaster riders will be asked to refrain from
shouting or screaming.
 ***  To enforce this policy, the scariest rides will have
one seat occupied by a former librarian.


Thursday, May 28

In his Memorial Day speech, President Trump gave tribute to the courage
and sacrifice of American servicemen, saying, “They climbed atop enemy
tanks, jumped out of burning airplanes, and leaped on live grenades.”
  ***  
Previous day, White House speech writer: “OK, I need three combat actions that
would not be possible for someone with bone spurs.”   


Wednesday, May 27

Hertz declared bankruptcy last week, but intends to stay in business.   ***  
To regain a firm financial footing, the company is laying off 16,000 employees,
cutting operational costs in numerous other areas, and, for the first time ever,
corporate executives will join front line workers in looking for loose change
between the seat cushions.


Tuesday, May 26

Parts of Australia are being hit by the worst storm in ten years, although
weather forecasters are not expecting it to reach Category 5.
 ***  Those
Australians are tough, practical people—they rate storms by how many shrimps
are blown off the barbie.


Monday, May 25

Convicted lawyer Michael Cohen’s release from the federal prison in
Otisville last week has raised a storm of controversy.
 ***  In fact, back when
the possibility of his release was just a rumor, the prison warden received dozens
of frantic calls asking for confirmation: “Say, I hear you might have a single room
available?”


Friday, May 22

The FDA has warned the public not to mistake the type of chloroquine used
to clean fish tanks as a possible Covid-19 treatment.
 ***   And no, that little
thing blowing bubbles at the bottom of the tank cannot be used as a ventilator.


Thursday, May 21

I bought a new Honda lawnmower back in 2003, and now, in spite of all the
wear and tear, I still use that same trusty machine to mow the lawn.
  ***  
My doctor can’t believe it.


Wednesday, May 20

Burger King is airing an ad which announces its new delivery service,
encourages compliance with “stay-at-home” directives, and coins the
phrase “couch potatriate,” all in a nod to Winston Churchill’s memorable
WWII statement to people on the home front,  “They also serve who only
stand and wait.”
 *** I believe the Burger King version is “They also serve who
only recline and gain weight.”


Tuesday, May 19

Trucking company owner Maurice “Mo” Fayne, who appears on the reality
show “Love & Hip Hop: Atlanta,” has been arrested for using his $1.5
million small business loan to buy a Rolls-Royce, jewelry and other
luxuries.
 ***   Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin said that was an egregious
misuse of funds from the Payroll Protection Program, and Mr. Fayne should have
paid for all those personal items with his $1,200 stimulus check.


Monday, May 18

The Detroit Institute of Arts is closed due to COVID concerns, but its gift
shop is still selling items online and has added a line of facemasks with
images of famous works of art.
 ***   My wife selected Claude Monet’s
“Rounded Flower Bed,” and now she can literally put her Monet where her mouth
is.  


Friday, May 15

In this week’s Senate hearings, epidemiologists testified that some of their
scientific findings and warnings are being dismissed by people in power.
  
***   They also complained that whenever they go to the cafeteria someone
steals their lunch money.


Thursday, May 14

Vatican officials say COVID-related restrictions are stifling sources of
income and having a negative impact on the Church’s coffers.
 ***  In a
compassionate gesture, a White House spokesperson offered sympathy, and
suggested that the coffers be put in quarantine.


Wednesday, May 13

Martha Stewart is adapting to mandatory “stay home” time and posted a
picture of her reorganized kitchen pantry, with 27 types of olive oil on the
top shelf, countless cooking ingredients on the middle shelves, and about
20 bottles of liquor at the bottom.
 ***  That’s great--now she can easily grab
another bottle of booze when she crawls to the pantry after finishing the first
one.  


Tuesday, May 12

According to the journal “Wound Management and Prevention,” medical
professionals often suffer discomfort and dangerous skin abrasions from
continually wearing face masks that are held on by elastic bands over the
ears.    ***  
And in England, there have been reports that a certain member of the
Royal Family wears that type, but requires the help of two Buckingham Palace
Guards to put it on.


Monday, May 11

The Polar Cave Ice Cream Parlour in Mashpee, Massachussets closed one
day after re-opening because customers refused to pre-order and instead
just showed up and yelled profanities at the staff when they weren’t
served.
 ***  Gee, I remember the days when “I scream, you scream, we all
scream for ice cream” was just a cute verse, not a social norm.


Friday, May 8

The list of federal prisoners to be released early because of COVID-19
reportedly includes Gary Sayers, the owner of a small Michigan
manufacturing plant that leaked dangerous chemicals onto I-696 last year
in the form of green ooze.
***  The EPA had become aware of the toxic
discharge through an anonymous tip on its community involvement hotline, “Slime
Stoppers.”


Thursday, May 7

Many therapists and human behavior experts are giving suggestions on
ways to cope and avoid stress during these times of home confinement.
 
***  Apparently  their ideas are working. Couples who were previously
complaining, disagreeing and arguing are now lovingly offering to trim each other’
s hair with chainsaws.  


Wednesday, May 6

A Utah highway patrolman pulled over an SUV that was being driven
erratically, and found that the driver was a 5 year old boy with $3 in his
pocket, who claimed he was going to California to buy a Lamborghini.
 ***  
The trooper, of course, became suspicious when he noticed that the kid wasn’t
wearing any gold chains.  


Tuesday, May 5

Officials in Venezuela say they have captured two American mercenaries
who led a beach invasion with the intent of overthrowing President
Maduro.
  ***  Witnesses suspected they were not regular military forces when
they stopped at a tiki shack to grab a few mai-tais before heading into town.


Monday, May 4

After being arrested for trying to “self isolate” on Disney’s Discovery
Island, a Florida man said he didn’t realize it was a restricted area, despite
all the “no trespassing” signs.
 ***   Apparently in that part of the world the
only access control sign that means anything is an image of Mickey Mouse
showing the height requirement.  


Friday, May 1

To minimize the spread of COVID-19, Georgia governor Brian Kemp
announced that residents who meet all other requirements for a drivers
license do not need to pass a “comprehensive on-the-road driving test.”  
***    Actually, I often get the impression it’s been that way in Michigan for
years.   


Thursday, Apr 30

Most health officials say that even after the worst of this crisis has passed,
we should all continue to practice social distancing.
  ***   Gee, Dear, I’d
love to stop and ask for directions, but…


Wednesday, Apr 29

As millions of Americans struggle to cope with a “stay home” lifestyle, the
Internet has been filled with stories and videos of people giving themselves
haircuts.
 ***    We plan to do that at our house, too, if we can find the scissors.
Before we were even two weeks into 24/7 home confinement my wife and I had
already decided it would be a good idea to hide all sharp objects.


Tuesday, Apr 28

After being criticized for wearing a face mask with the image of a
Confederate flag during a legislative vote, Michigan state senator Dale Zorn
told a reporter it was not a symbol of the Confederacy, but he knew it
would “raise some eyebrows.”
***  Upon hearing this, the CDC immediately
issued a warning, saying that if your face mask raises eyebrows, you’re wearing
it way too tight.   


Monday, Apr 27

Therapists say shared decision-making is important for couples coping
with 24/7 home confinement.
 ***  I agree. For example, my wife and I both
enjoy watching murder mysteries, but we take turns deciding which movie to
watch. She always picks one where the husband is murdered and then I pick one
where the wife is done in.


Friday, Apr 24

State and federal health officials are scrambling to provide guidance on all
the methods people are trying for cleaning their face masks, from washing
machines (recommended) to boiling water to microwave ovens (not
recommended).
 ***   But regardless of the method used, they are urging
everyone to take off the mask first.


Thursday, Apr 23

Virus experts say that even after the “Stay home” restrictions are lifted, life
just won’t be the same.  
 ***    In fact, at the self-checkout lane at the store
yesterday, the guy in front of me grabbed the hand-held barcode reader and tried
to take a temperature scan of his forehead.


Wednesday, Apr 22

Today is the 50th anniversary of the very first Earth Day, and it is still
inspiring major commitments to protect the environment.  For example, for
every bag of coffee you buy, Starbucks will plant one new coffee tree.
 ***  
Then, after the tree has grown a bit, the baristas carve your name on it, and
when the tree’s beans are ready for harvesting they shout it out.


Tuesday, Apr 21

Scientists in the UK say “medical detection dogs” might be able to detect
coronavirus in humans, and in one hour a single dog could sniff up to 750
people.  
 ***   However, those people would have to get down on all fours.


Monday, Apr 20

A kayaker stranded on a remote island off the shore of New York City for
12 hours was rescued by an NYPD helicopter crew that saw his “HELP”
sign on the beach.
 ***  The rescuers apologized for not responding sooner, but
said they have limited resources and needed to give a higher priority to “HELP”
signs that had an exclamation point at the end.
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