|Today's Dosage of Bill's Pills (Updated each weekday)
Monday, Aug 3
In a mission contracted to SpaceX, two NASA astronauts returning from
the space station made a splashdown-type landing in the Gulf of Mexico,
where they were immediately met by rescue boats and crews that helped
them exit their capsule. *** To further reduce costs, SpaceX announced that
in future splashdowns the astronauts will remain in their capsule and rely on
ocean currents to eventually carry them to the Florida coast, at which point
rescue crews will quickly wade out and get them.
Friday, Jul 31
Miami business owner David Hines was arrested when federal officials
discovered he had used part of his PPP loan to buy a $300,000
Lamborghini. *** The fraudulent expenditure was pretty well hidden, but a
sharp-eyed auditor got suspicious when saw a receipt for gold neck chains.
Thursday, Jul 30
To help protect toll collectors from Covid, workers at the Mackinac Bridge
(access to Michigan’s Upper Peninsula) are asking motorists to wear a
facemask when paying their toll. *** They said they’re mostly concerned about
first timers, who tend to spray a bit when they find out they have to pay.
Wednesday, Jul 29
Mike Tyson, 54, has announced that he’ll be climbing into the ring to fight
an exhibition bout against boxer Roy Jones Jr. in Carson, California. ***
As soon as the promoter finishes installing the grab bars.
Tuesday, Jul 28
To recover from bankruptcy, Hertz needs to raise cash, reduce expenses
and downsize, and plans to sell almost 200,000 cars from its rental fleet.
*** Each car will come with complete maintenance records, free floor mats, and
a 55 gallon drum of Hertz air freshener
Monday, Jul 27
The Hallmark Channel has scheduled classic Christmas movies from July
10th to August 1st , and the network’s website says “Celebrate Christmas
in July.” *** Wait a minute…Do they know something we don’t know?
Friday, Jul 24
As mentioned in yesterday’s “Pill,” MSU has designated one of the campus
dorms as an emergency residence for any students who test positive for
Covid, which, I’m sure, would be a traumatic situation for the affected
students and their families. *** I certainly know how my parents would have
“Mom, Dad, everything will be OK but I just want you to know that they’re moving
me to the Covid dorm.”
“Oh no, that’s terrible!” “Yes, that’s been our greatest fear!”
“Don’t worry, I’ll be fine. It’s only until I’m no longer contagious and can’t spread
“Oh. Thank goodness that’s all it is. We thought you said ‘Co-ed dorm.’ ”
(The only unknown: How long after hanging up the phone they would suddenly
realize that co-eds can get Covid, too.)
Thursday, Jul 23
To prevent the spread of Covid-19 in the dorms, Michigan State University
has announced that any student testing positive for the virus will be
immediately re-assigned to a specially designated residence. *** Ann
Wednesday, Jul 22
To help reduce the spread of coronavirus, some health officials have
suggested not singing or chanting in church. *** They also ask that we
avoid words that start with “explosive” sounds like “P” and “T,” especially in
sentences that have an exclamation point at the end.
Tuesday, Jul 21
Michael Cohen is suing Attorney General William Barr, claiming that his
return to prison was to prevent him from working on his “tell-all” book
about President Trump and was a clear case of “retaliation.” *** Or rather,
Monday, Jul 20
Tony Shalhoub recently produced a short video in which his TV character,
Adrian Monk (the germophobic, fastidious, obsessive-compulsive
detective), tries to deal with the threat of Covid infection. *** There had
been talk of a full length movie version of “Monk.” I believe the title would be “The
Man in the Ironed Mask.”
Friday, Jul 17
As health officials confirm that PPE (Personal Protective Equipment) can
help mitigate the spread of coronavirus, we are all learning that some items
can be disruptive, inconvenient and uncomfortable. *** The other day I
saw a reference to Leonardo DiCaprio’s 1998 movie, “The Man in the Iron Mask,”
and my first thought was, “Wow—I bet his ears really hurt.”
Thursday, Jul 16
Because of Covid concerns, the upcoming Republican National Convention
in Jacksonville, Florida might be held outdoors. *** When democrat Al Gore
heard this he said, “Dammit! If Covid hit in when I was nominated back in 1999, I
could have been surrounded by TREES!
Wednesday, Jul 15
Britney Spears’ mother, Lynne Spears, has asked the Los Angeles Country
Court to increase her involvement in the conservatorship that was
established to manage the sizeable financial assets of the troubled Ms.
Spears. *** In a surprising gesture of goodwill, the singer’s lawyer has granted
Lynne Spears complete authority over everything to the right of the decimal point.
Tuesday, Jul 14
Lori Loughlin and Mossimo Giannulli, who are still facing charges of fraud
and bribery, just sold their Bel Air mansion for $18 million. *** Wow—
that’s a lot of money; based on the evidence against them, $18 million is enough
to get 72 kids accepted at Stanford.
Monday, Jul 13
The Kansas City Chiefs negotiated a $503 million deal with quarterback
Patrick Mahomes, but to make sure he stays healthy his contract prohibits
him from participating in other sports or dangerous activities. *** And, in a
related move, contracts for the team’s offensive linemen now have a “Covid
clause” which states they must not only protect Mr. Mahomes from getting
sacked, but they also have to keep the defensive players at least 6 feet away.
Friday, Jul 10
Dr. Leana Wen, a public health professor at George Washington University,
said a new wave of Covid-19 could coincide with the upcoming flu season,
and the nation would face a “double whammy.” *** However, Dr. Wen was
unable to explain why Covid alone had never been classified as a single whammy.
Thursday, Jul 9
In this challenging, confusing, topsy-turvy world, sometimes I don’t know
which way is up. *** But, I’m making progress—yesterday I fell down and said,
“OK, it’s not that way,”
Wednesday, Jul 8
Police in the Netherlands arrested six men before they were able to use a
torture chamber that had been set up in a sound-proof shipping container
and was equipped with a reclining chair to strap in their victims, various
sharp instruments *** and a large screen TV programmed with an endless
loop of Hallmark Christmas Movies.
Tuesday, Jul 7
To reduce the spread of coronavirus, some experts are telling people they
shouldn’t sing in church. *** Heck, they’ve been telling me that all my life.
Monday, Jul 6
Former security experts are concerned that the President’s failure to read
some of the morning briefings could endanger international relations. ***
As Confucius once said, “Man who not look at briefs in morning often spend rest
of day on no-fly list.”
|High Impact Humor
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|Bill has been the Master of Ceremonies and
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(Click "Performing" to see video clips.)