Today's Dosage of Bill's Pills   (Updated each weekday)
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Friday, May 24

Grumpy the Cat has died.   ***   Had 9 lives, wanted 10.

Thursday, May 23

It was recently revealed that actor Luke Perry had been buried in an eco-friendly “mushroom suit.”  
***  Seems strange, but I guess it’s just a matter of personal taste. Frankly, I’d prefer pepperoni.

Wednesday, May 22

Agriculture experts say President Trump’s tariffs on Chinese products is helping U.S. garlic farmers,
who had difficulty competing with cheaper garlic from China.  
***  China, however, has threatened to
retaliate by withholding all shipments of breath mints.

Tuesday, May 21

Facebook officials recently revealed a serious security flaw in the “WhatsApp” platform.  ***  They said
that due to a loophole in the software, it’s possible for the site to be used by seniors.

Monday, May 20

According to an extensive study by the Reputation Institute, the retailer that has established the best
reputation is Barnes & Noble.
 ***  Actually, Barnes & Noble didn’t “write the book” on developing a good
reputation, but they probably sold it.

Friday, May 17

Hershey’s announced it will be embossing 25 different emojis in the rectangular forms on its
chocolate bars.
  ***  There’s the chocoholic emoji, the chubby emoji, the rotting teeth emoji…

Thursday, May 16

Brad Pitt is apparently moving on after his divorce from the controlling Angelina Jolie and he says he
is now “absolutely smitten” with MIT professor Neri Oxman.
 ***  He also said he checked with Angelina and
she said it was OK.

Wednesday, May 15

Former congressman Anthony Weiner has completed his prison and halfway house incarceration for
indecent acts and has been released.
 ***  Or as he calls it, unzipped.

Tuesday, May 14

Singer Meat Loaf fell off a stage while performing in Texas and broke his collarbone.  ***  People at the
scene Googled how to make him better and are now treating him with a variety of seasonings, a mushroom
topping and copious amounts of gravy.

Monday, May 13

Mukesh Ambani, the richest man in India, just bought British retailer Hamleys, which has 167 toy
***  Only the truly wealthy wear T-shirts that say, “He who dies with the most toy stores wins.”

Friday, May 10

Because of an outbreak of measles, the Scientology cruise ship “Freewinds” was quarantined for
several days in St. Lucia.   
***   It was terrible; passengers had to stay onboard and were forced to spend the
entire week watching a Tom Cruise movie marathon.

Thursday, May 9

In a recent interview, 88 year old Warren Buffet, who’s worth $87 billion, said he drinks five cans of
Coca-Cola every day, eats Chicken McNuggets at least three times a week and loves Dairy Queen for
  ***  Of course, it’s easier to have that kind of diet when you can get a quadruple by-pass and pay cash.

Wednesday, May 8

Meghan and Harry just had a baby boy, and experts say he is 7th in line to the British throne.      ***   
That’s nice, but he’s only 38th in line for the most prestigious pre-school.

Tuesday, May 7

In a protest against campus fraternities, students at Swarthmore College have gone on a hunger
  ***  Sing along: “Cass was a sophomore, planned to go to Swarthmore, but she changed her mind one
day-y-y-y…”   Probably because she heard about their hunger strikes.

Monday, May 6

Yesterday was the big Cinco de Mayo holiday in Mexico.   ***  And, in a spirit of international friendship, U.S.
border patrol agents chasing illegal immigrants gave all of them a ten minute head start.

Friday, May 3

For the second time in 30 days, charges of domestic violence have been levied against Rick Shroder,
the former child actor who got his start in the sitcom “Silver Spoons.”
 ***  He is now facing jail time and
plans to star in a new reality show, “Plastic Spoons.”

Thursday, May 2

Now that Julian Assange has been kicked out of Ecuador’s embassy for bad behavior, a London court
has sentenced him to 50 weeks in jail for skipping out on bail back in 2012.
 ***  Mr. Assange said he’ll go
to jail willingly if he’s allowed to bring along his cat, his skateboard and his huge collection of Pamela Anderson

Wednesday, May 1

Scientists in Norway have captured a small beluga whale wearing a Russian-made harness, and they
suspect it had been trained for some sort of Russian military operation.
 ***  In the United States,
however, Democrats are claiming it was one of several such whales used to influence the 2016 election.

Tuesday, Apr 30

South Korea is opening several hiking trails along the Demilitarized Zone, which has become a
thriving habitat for wildlife, including some endangered species.
 ***   Actually, anything living near the
DMZ is an endangered species.

Monday, Apr 29

Because of security and privacy concerns, Apple is reportedly dropping several apps that parents
have been using to monitor and control their children’s iPhone and iPad usage.  
***  Now the kids are
happy and the parents are pouting, whining and throwing tantrums.

Friday, Apr 26

The 25th James Bond film is about to start production, with Daniel Craig again starring as Bond and
the villain played by “Bohemian Rhapsody” star Rami Malek.
 ***  Mr. Malek’s character will torment Agent
007 throughout the film with unrelenting threats of “We will, we will…rock you.”

Thursday, Apr 25

Joe Biden has finally decided that he will run for president in 2020.   ***  Like any 76 year old guy, he first
had to make sure the campaign wouldn’t interfere with any scheduled surgeries, milestone class reunions or
upcoming Matlock marathons.

Wednesday, Apr 24

Punctuation experts are criticizing the Mueller report because it was printed with two spaces after
each sentence, instead of the current practice of only one.  
***  Actually, some people believe every
sentence from the Mueller report should be followed by several years of parole.

Tuesday, Apr 23

Democratic presidential candidate Elizabeth Warren is proposing a plan that would eliminate student
debt for people with a low or medium household income.
  ***   And wealthy families would be fully
reimbursed for money paid as part of an admissions scam.

Monday, Apr 22

WalMart is expanding its use of robots, and 360 stores will be using them to count inventory and
clean floors.   ***   
They could even do some shopping, but so far they’re refusing to wear flip-flops.   
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