|Today's Dosage of Bill's Pills (Updated each weekday)
Tuesday, Oct 16
The U.S. Postal Service is proposing an increase of five cents for a first class stamp. *** OK, so now
we’re back to the original definition of “going postal.”
Monday, Oct 15
President Trump is scheduled to participate in a live interview on Fox News tonight. *** However, it’s
expected to be very scripted: Prior to the session, Mr. Trump will give Fox a list of all the questions to ask…and
Fox will give him a list of all the answers.
Friday, Oct 12
In an interview with “Men’s Health” magazine, Arnold Schwarzenegger admitted there were several
times when he “stepped over the line” in his treatment of women. *** He said it probably wasn’t proper to
hold maid interviews in the bedroom.
Thursday, Oct 11
McDonald’s announced it will be eliminating all artificial ingredients in its hamburgers. *** As a result,
the Quarter Pounder will now be the Eighth Pounder, the Big Mac will now be a Small Mac, and the Cheeseburger
will just be…the Burger.
Wednesday, Oct 10
Police in the UK recently freed a 58 year old man who had been held captive for 40 years in a garden
shed with only a bed, a chair, a hot plate, a scrap of carpet and a TV. *** How sad—it was just one beer
fridge short of a man cave.
Tuesday, Oct 9
The FDA has just revoked its approval of seven food additives because of their adverse effects on
humans. *** In the interest of public safety, they banned everything that was fed to the senate committee
handling the Brett Kavanaugh hearings.
Monday, Oct 8
In Hartland, Michigan, a high school cheerleader was caught handing out marijuana-filled brownies in
order to get voted prom queen. *** In a related story, Brett Kavanaugh was sworn in as a Supreme Court
justice and he expressed his gratitude to President Trump, Betty Crocker and an old prep school buddy known
only as “Weed.”
Friday, Oct 5
Over the past six years, more than 250 people around the world have died from taking selfies in
dangerous poses. *** The last words they ever heard were their spouses shouting, “You’re fine, dear—just
another step back.”
Thursday, Oct 4
According to a recent study, the unhappiest state in the country is West Virginia, which has the
highest rate of adult depression. *** In fact, things are so bad that Happy Hour has never lasted more than 5
Wednesday, Oct 3
At 2:18 this afternoon everyone in the U.S. will receive a test alert message from the president on
their cell phones. *** When a real emergency occurs, the president’s message will state the nature of the crisis
and will describe how the Democrats caused it, how the fake news lied about it and how he’s going to fix it all by
Tuesday, Oct 2
Education Secretary Betsy DeVos just invested $1 million in a company that makes gunsights, and
people are complaining that it makes for “bad optics.” *** Ms. DeVos strongly disagreed and said, “No,
they actually make great optics.”
Monday, Oct 1
The Boy Scouts of America has recalled its official neckerchief slides because of excessive levels of
lead. *** Officials began to suspect a high lead content when the scouts seemed to be spending a lot of time
looking at their shoes.
Friday, Sep 28
General Motors is recalling 240,000 vehicles because of a problem with the rear brakes. *** However,
a company spokesman assured owners that the front end of the car will stop just fine.
Thursday, Sep 27
Mexican federal authorities have taken over control of the Acapulco police department. *** A
government spokesman said the local force did an outstanding job of eliminating corruption, fighting crime and
ousting the drug cartels, but it just couldn’t handle college kids on spring break.
Wednesday, Sep 26
A Jet Airways flight in India had to return to Mumbai after several passengers suffered from nose and
ear bleeds. *** Technically, however, the new high-power earbuds were a success.
Tuesday, Sep 25
When Hurricane Florence hit North Carolina, over three million chickens died. *** Or as Colonel
Sanders called it, “Friday.”
Monday, Sep 24
Tonight is the start of Season 27 of “Dancing with the Stars,” and the celebrity lineup includes “Dukes
of Hazzard” star John Schneider. *** In a change from the usual celebrity-professional pairings, Mr.
Schneider will be dancing with Boss Hogg.
Friday, Sep 21
A 7-Eleven clerk in Ferndale, Michigan has been arrested and charged with embezzlement. *** Acting
on an anonymous tip, police raided her home and found a veritable fortune in stolen Slurpees.
Thursday, Sep 20
Secretary of State Mike Pompeo is apparently a stickler for proper punctuation and he had his staff
send out two memos to State Department employees instructing them on the correct use of commas.
*** Russia’s election meddling is one thing, but who would have thought that our own Secretary of State would be
Wednesday, Sep 19
Justin Bieber and Hailey Baldwin got their marriage license in Los Angeles last week. *** Marriage
license applications are bit different in L.A. To expedite future paperwork, couples also need to submit a
preliminary list of all their irreconcilable differences.
Tuesday, Sep 18
In the high winds of Hurricane Florence, a North Carolina family that had to be rescued after refusing
to evacuate explained, “We thought we’d be safe in brick house.” *** Folks, it’s never a good idea to
base your survival strategy on a story you read in a children’s book.
Monday, Sep 17
In New Mexico, authorities recently evacuated the Sunspot Solar Observatory near Roswell, the site
of a rumored space alien landing. *** There was no explanation for the evacuation; a spokesman said you
just don’t question an order from the mothership.
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