Today's Dosage of Bill's Pills   (Updated each weekday)
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Monday, Jul 22

Jennifer Lopez stars as a professional stripper in the upcoming movie “Hustlers,” about a group of
strippers who con wealthy scoundrels out of their money.
  ***   It’s a bit more interesting than the original
concept, “Scammers,” in which she would have just stayed home in her jammies and phoned old people.


Wednesday, Jul 17

Whoopi Goldberg revealed that she needs a personal driver because health issues have caused her
eyesight to deteriorate.
  ***    I’ve never watched the show, but is that why she has co-hosts on “The View”?     


Tuesday, Jul 16

H. Ross Perot has died at the age of 89; as a presidential candidate he famously said “that giant
sucking sound” is American jobs leaving the country.
  ***   Now the giant sucking sound is Mr. Perot trying
to take all his money with him.


Monday, Jul 15

In Guthrie, Oklahoma, police pulled over two people driving a stolen car with an open bottle of
whiskey, a rattlesnake and radioactive uranium.
 ***  The amazing thing is that most men could come up with
a story to make all of that sound perfectly reasonable…but would struggle to explain lipstick on their collar.


Friday, Jul 12

Warner Bros. Animation is producing a sequel to “The Flintstones,” but it’s an adult version.   ***  
According to insiders, the film will show the real reason why the town was named “Bedrock.”


Thursday, Jul 11

Drivers on an Atlanta freeway stopped to grab $175,000 that had blown out of an open door on an
armored truck.
 ***   Drivers here in Michigan wouldn’t do that--we’d never interfere with anything that would help
fill the potholes.


Wednesday, Jul 10

Serena Williams has been handed a $10,000 fine for damaging a Wimbledon court by pounding it with
her racket.
 ***  Perhaps she can pay it with a refund from her anger management classes.


Tuesday, Jul 9

Police were called to Disneyland after a family brawl with punching and hair pulling broke out.    ***   
Several children were charged with violating the sign which said, “You must be THIS tall to fight.”


Monday, Jul 8

Nearly 100 people driving to the Denver airport followed directions from Google Maps and ended up
stuck in the middle of a muddy field.
  ***   Experts say it was the worst route selection since Thelma and
Louise.


Friday, Jul 5

A brief burst of radio waves picked up by a radio telescope array in Australia was traced to a galaxy 3.6
billion light years away.
 ***  By analyzing the transmission, astronomers were able to learn that it was a
beautiful morning on the planet Xzophrymbia, traffic was backed up on most of the freeways and the number one
song has a very catchy beat.


Wednesday, Jul 3

The Lifetime television network is planning a movie about the NXIVM cult led by Keith Raniere, who
brainwashed his female followers into a depraved lifestyle that included abandoning their families,
providing sex on demand  ***
 and spending all their free time watching Lifetime Movies.  


Tuesday, Jul 2

After missing in a California forest for an entire week, a 73 year old hiker was found alive and in good
health.   ***  
 Authorities said he would have wandered even further into the wilderness if he hadn’t stopped for all
those afternoon naps.   


Monday, Jul 1

An IKEA store in England is selling homes for which the buyers only need to pay whatever they can
afford.
  ***   However, the assembly instructions cost an arm and a leg.


Friday, Jun 28

A waitress in a Chicago cocktail lounge reportedly spit on Eric Trump.  ***  Actually, that’s just the Midwest
version of a golden shower.


Thursday, Jun 27

To prevent a small automotive firm from copying an iconic design, an Italian court ruled that the
Ferrari 250 GTO is legally a work of art.  
***   The Italian judges also declared that all German cars are crap,
British cars aren’t much better and French cars don’t even count.


Wednesday, Jun 26

The U.S. has reportedly carried out a cyberattack against Iran’s military control network.  ***   In a cruel
and heartless response, Iran has threatened to target America’s seniors by hacking into our computer games and
removing one card from all the solitaire decks.


Tuesday, Jun 25

Romance novelist Judith Krantz has died at the age of 91. She is survived by two sons, a daughter-in-
law…
 ***  …and over 100 imaginary lovers.


Monday, Jun 24

In Pismo Beach, California, a 13 year old girl walking along the water was attacked and bitten by a sea
lion
.  *** Unfortunately, she has started having nightmares, but on the other hand, she can now clap her hands
while balancing a ball on her nose.

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TM
Bill has been the Master of Ceremonies and
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can also mix his humor with a factual, anecdote-filled
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