Today's Dosage of Bill's Pills   (Updated each weekday)
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Friday, Jan 18

Members of an Australian airline flight crew have been charged with smuggling millions of dollars in
heroin and methamphetamines.
  ***   Authorities had become suspicious after passengers complained there
was never any room left in the overhead bins.


Thursday, Jan 17

A Paris restaurant that opened in 2017 to serve people in the nude is now closing due to a lack of
customers.
  ***   With apologies to 1992 presidential candidate Ross Perot, that giant sucking sound you hear is
actually naked people getting up from vinyl seats.


Wednesday, Jan 16

According to a recent study at Princeton, Facebook posts of fake news are shared seven times more
often by people over 65.
  ***   The university researchers said they were shocked by the results; they had no
idea that seniors actually knew how to share a post.


Tuesday, Jan 15

Kroger announced it is recalling most of its shrimp products.  ***  They sell special food for short people?


Monday, Jan 14

The patriarch of the Russian Orthodox Church says smart phones are paving the way for the
Antichrist.
  ***   Wow—These days there’s an app for everything.


Friday, Jan 11

The National Center for Health Statistics announced the bad news that U.S. birth rates are now too
low to sustain current population levels, and they said the country’s lowest birth rate is in
Washington D.C.
  ***  The good news is that that’s the one place where we don’t want people to reproduce.


Thursday, Jan 10

Because men in Saudi Arabia can divorce their wives without telling them, the courts there have
begun informing women of their divorces by texting them.
 ***  And, to provide support to the newly
divorced women, the texts also include the relevant legal documents, words of sympathy and a link to a good
dating app.


Wednesday, Jan 9

Several departing passengers at the Baltimore airport were injured when using the boarding jetway.   
***   Gate officials apologized, but said no one would have been hurt if there had actually been a plane waiting at
the other end.


Tuesday, Jan 8

Yesterday, in response to charges of sexual assault, Kevin Spacey made his first appearance in a
courtroom in Nantucket.
  ***   Legal experts say it was the first time formal charges had ever been read in the
form of a limerick.


Monday, Jan 7

Online dating observers say yesterday was the busiest day of the year for cyber-dating because
people are lonely from holiday break-ups, they’ve made a New Year’s resolution to find someone new,
and they really want to connect before Valentine’s Day.
 ***  The singles who struck out yesterday were the
ones who made the mistake of putting all that in their profile.


Friday, Jan 4

After Texas’s longhorn steer mascot charged Georgia’s bulldog mascot at the Sugar Bowl, PETA urged
colleges to stop using live mascots at football games.
 ***  To further promote public safety, PETA is also
recommending that offensive linemen be kept on a leash.


Thursday, Jan 3

In 2018, Comcast dropped its bid for 21st Century Fox, which would have included Fox News.  ***  We
have now learned that Comcast executives felt it would be too much of a burden to run a media empire and a
country.


Wednesday, Jan 2

The Census Bureau has just released figures showing that Michigan’s population has jumped to
almost 10 million people.
  ***   Of course, it would have been closer to 2 million if they took the survey in winter.


Friday, Dec 28

A Michigan woman survived a roll-over accident on I-75 after losing control when her German
shepherd jumped on the dash to bark at the windshield wipers.
 ***  So, the car is upside down and
smoking, the woman is distraught, all the emergency vehicles have arrived, and the dog is thinking, “I knew those
things were trouble.”


Thursday, Dec 27

Stocks could lose 20% of their value in 2019, according to Todd Horwitz, a financial advisor with Bubba
Trading.  ***  
 Generally, Bubba Trading recommends investing your money in old pick-up trucks, huntin’ dogs
and a very large supply of beer.


Wednesday, Dec 26

Scientists in Germany recently found traces of a Jurassic Period sea mammal known as “ichthyosaur,”
but they said the only remaining material is the creature’s blubber, which has survived for 180 million
years.
  ***   Which kind of explains why it’s so hard to diet.     


Tuesday, Dec 25

I wish all of you a Very Merry Christmas!

(and that’s no joke)


Monday, Dec 22

Arizona Governor Doug Ducey announced that even though there is a partial government shutdown,
the Grand Canyon “will remain open.”
 ***  Duh, I think it would be kinda tough to close it.


Friday, Dec 21

Kansas City Chiefs quarterback Patrick Mahomes has signed a major endorsement contract with
Hunt’s Ketchup.   ***
  Several other companies tried to do a deal with Mr. Mahomes, but the ketchup maker was
the only one who could give him a fair shake.


Thursday, Dec 20

In a recent interview, Rolling Stones guitarist Ronnie Wood said, “We’re in our 70’s, but we’re still
rocking like we’re 40 year olds.”
  ***   That’s amazing—I didn’t think any of the Stones could remember that
far back.


Wednesday, Dec 19

In order to reduce chaos at the gate, Delta Airlines is changing the way passengers board planes.  ***   
Starting immediately, they’ll be required to board sober.


Tuesday, Dec 18

Because of Pancho Villa’s crimes against Americans, the Tucson, Arizona community has been divided
about what to do with a statue of the Mexican revolutionary riding a horse.  
***  In a compromise solution,
the statue will be somewhat modified and the plaque will now read, “Pancho Villa’s Horse.”  


Monday, Dec 17

Lou Ferrigno, who played “The Incredible Hulk,” was hospitalized after a reaction to a pneumonia
shot.  
 ***  Unfortunately, all the doctors ran away when he started to turn green.
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