Today's Dosage of Bill's Pills   (Updated each weekday)
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Friday, Feb 22

Major League Baseball has renamed the “Disabled List” and it is now the “Injured List.”   ***   They also
added several sub-categories, including the “Tummy Ache List,” the “Ouchie List” and the “Hurts-Like-Hell” list.  

Thursday, Feb 21

Actor Jussie Smollett, who had claimed to be a victim of a racist attack, has been arrested and
charged with filing a false police report, which carries a maximum sentence of three years in jail.
Authorities who reviewed Mr. Smollett’s report said he could also face several additional months of incarceration
for errors in spelling, grammar and punctuation.

Wednesday, Feb 20

According to a recent ranking based on environment, health and other factors, the worst place to
grow old is in the state of West Virginia.
 ***   Actually, the worst place to grow old is in your state of mind (but
West Virginia is a close second).

Tuesday, Feb 19

In an interview with TMZ, O.J. Simpson said Roger Stone should “man up and quit crying.”  ***  He also
said Mr. Stone should make his hands swell up so the gloves don’t fit.

Monday, Feb 18

A Delta flight made an emergency landing in Reno after the plane hit turbulence which was so severe
that the drink cart overturned and five passengers were seriously injured.
 ***  They got hurt fighting
over all the little liquor bottles.

Friday, Feb 15

A human foot has mysteriously washed up on Canada’s western shore, and authorities say this has
happened several times before.
 ***   In fact, many Canadians became alarmed when a recent surf report
mentioned three-foot waves.

Thursday, Feb 14

Although President Obama had previously installed a “golf simulator” in the White House, President
Trump has just spent $50,000 of his own money to replace it with a more sophisticated system.  
Mr. Trump’s set-up is so realistic he has to drive his golf cart between shots.

Wednesday, Feb 13

In a recent interview, 74 year old Michael Douglas said he’s finding a lot of benefits to getting older.   
***  On the other hand, he said maybe it’s just because he’s handsome, famous and incredibly wealthy.

Tuesday, Feb 12

After her flight arrived late in Houston and she ran to make her connecting flight to Los Angeles, “Big
Bang Theory” star Mayim Bialik had the boarding door shut in her face, possibly because she was
carrying a small suitcase.
 *** Or, maybe it’s because she was clutching that suitcase and frantically running
toward the plane while trying to leverage her celebrity status by yelling “Big Bang!  Big Bang!”

Monday, Feb 11

Three weeks after rolling his Land Rover, 97 year old Prince Philip announced it’s time to stop
***  He said his decision wasn’t prompted by the accident, but rather, because it’s becoming almost
impossible to remember where he put the car keys.

Friday, Feb 8

As President Trump prepared for his annual physical, the deputy press secretary revealed that Mr.
Trump was previously given a diet plan, but “the President admits he has not followed it religiously.”  
***   He also said the President’s idea of following a diet plan religiously is to eat fries and Big Macs in a church.

Thursday, Feb 7

Since many women were wearing white as a sign of solidarity during the President’s State of the
Union Address, some viewers wondered why Elizabeth Warren wore a blue outfit.
  ***  I believe it was a
sign of protest after the Secret Service told her she couldn’t bring in a “ceremonial tomahawk.”

Wednesday, Feb 6

Viewers watching the State of the Union address wondered why Melania Trump had one glove on and
one glove off during the event.
  ***    Well, perhaps she’s like me—I mean, that’s what I do when it’s cold but I
need to pick my nose.

Tuesday, Feb 5

Tyson Foods is recalling 36,000 pounds of chicken nuggets because of contamination with bits of rubber.  ***.  
Initially, they thought the latest batch just came from unusually bouncy chickens.

Monday, Feb 4

In Indonesia, a teenage boy and a girl were sentenced to 98 days in jail and then flogged for
affectionately cuddling.
 ***.  Their lawyer denied the charges and pointed out that teenagers would never do
anything that required putting down their cell phones.

Friday, Feb 1

In a recent interview on the Christian Broadcasting Network, Sarah Sanders claimed that God “wanted
Donald Trump to become president.”
***  She went on to say that God could have influenced the election by
just stuffing the ballot boxes, but for some reason decided to work through the Russians.

Thursday, Jan 31

Pop star Ariana Grande got a Japanese tattoo to celebrate her new hit song, “7 Rings,” but the
botched symbol actually translates as “barbecue grill.”
*** To make the best of a bad situation, Ms. Grande
is now looking for a tattoo artist who can draw a really nice hibachi.

Wednesday, Jan 30

Walmart announced it will soon be paying its drivers an average of $90,000 a year.  ***  And that doesn’t
even include the standard employee benefits of free flip-flops and generous discounts on tank tops.

Tuesday, Jan 29

The FDA says there’s a shortage of medicine to treat high blood pressure because of a recent recall.   
***  And because of a recent surge in orders from the White House.

Monday, Jan 28

A postal worker in Kansas City, Missouri escaped injury when his mail truck suddenly exploded.   ***   
Postal Service officials apologized and said the Priority Mail tracking system could not give the locations of
individual fragments.

Friday, Jan 25

According to a study at the University of Iowa, a daily serving of fried chicken will increase your risk of
any early death by 13%.
 ***  Of course, that percentage is a lot higher if you’re the chicken.

Thursday, Jan 24

In a new biography of Eva Braun, the author claims Ms. Braun never had sex with Hitler because of
pain due to a rare gynecological condition.
 ***   Apparently when dealing with a Fuehrer you have to come
up with something better than just a headache.

Wednesday, Jan 23

After having an accident with his SUV, 97 year old Prince Philip of England is scheduled to take a
“driver awareness” class.
 ***  Lesson #1: “If there’s a steering wheel is in front of you, you’re probably the

Tuesday, Jan 22

In Texas, a woman has been banned from the Wichita Falls Walmart after she spent several hours
driving an electric cart around the parking lot while drinking wine from a Pringles can.
  ***  Or, as
several Walmart shoppers described it, “fashionable travel mug.”  

Monday, Jan 21

In the obituary for an 87 year old Louisville woman, her family added the comment, “Her passing was
hastened by her continued frustration with the Trump administration.”
 ***  After intense criticism, the
family later admitted that the Trump administration did not actually hasten her death—it just made her look
forward to it.
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