|Today's Dosage of Bill's Pills (Updated each weekday)
Friday, Jan 17
The Everlane shoe company announced it is discontinuing Angelina Jolie’s favorite shoe, the Modern
Loafer. *** When asked if she’ll miss the Modern Loafer, Angelina said, “No, I’m glad I divorced him.”
Thursday, Jan 16
Chinese authorities are claiming that members of a banned religious minority have happily
“graduated” from the country’s oppressive prison camp system. *** Ah yes, there’s nothing like watching
students march up the aisle at a commencement ceremony and hearing “Pomp and Circumstance” over the
rattling of their shackles.
Wednesday, Jan 15
After Prince Harry and Meghan announced they were stepping back from their senior roles in the
British royalty, Madame Tussauds Wax Museum immediately removed their wax figures from the
“Royal Family” display. *** Queen Elizabeth said Harry’s figure should be returned to the display, but
suggested they could just replace Meghan with an inflatable doll. (She said Charles did that with Camilla and no
one ever noticed.)
Tuesday, Jan 14
Uber is working with Hyundai to develop an electric airplane for providing Uber services in the sky.
*** Wow, that’s an amazing upgrade! Now you can be intimidated, insulted and harassed by a pilot.
Monday, Jan 13
This year the Girl Scouts are offering a new cookie, “Lemon-Ups,” which are wafers stamped with
positive affirmations such as "I Am a Leader" and "I Am a Go-Getter." *** As well as “There goes my diet,”
“Why am I eating these?” and “I need more willpower.”
Friday, Jan 10
The picturesque Austrian village of Hallstatt, which inspired the setting of Disney’s “Frozen” movies,
is trying to manage the daily influx of 10,000 disruptive and annoying tourists by limiting the number of
tour busses, preventing visitors from interrupting church services… *** …and expelling anyone who
won’t stop singing “Let it Go.“
Thursday, Jan 9
The U.S. Army has issued a warning about fraudulent text messages that instruct the recipient to
report to the nearest Army recruiting branch "for immediate departure to Iran." *** Hey, I’d never fall for
that scam…but if they told me I’d be sent to Nigeria and paid in gold bars…
Wednesday, Jan 8
Yum Brands recently agreed to buy hamburger giant Habit Grill, which will join Yum’s current holdings
of Pizza Hut, Taco Bell and Kentucky Fried Chicken. *** As the final step in its corporate strategy, Yum now
plans to purchase a leading manufacturer of defibrillators.
Tuesday, Jan 7
Russian archaeologists recently unearthed the ancient tomb of four “Amazon warrior women” who
had lived around 500 B.C. *** Historians say Amazon warriors could be fierce fighters, but mostly they just
sold and delivered stuff.
Monday, Jan 6
Instead of playing taps, a U.S. Army base in South Korea accidentally sounded an alert siren that could
indicate incoming missiles. *** Afterwards, an Army spokesman apologized and said there was no harm done,
except for extra long lines at the base laundromat.
Friday, Jan 3
According to Politico, at a holiday celebration at Mar-a-Lago President Trump casually mingled with the
guests and was “just another guy in the buffet line.” *** And after the holidays his armored SUV was just
another car in line at the McDonalds drive-thru.
Thursday, Jan 2
As Pope Francis was greeting people in St. Peter’s Square on New Year’s Eve, a woman suddenly
yanked the pontiff toward her and he angrily gave her two quick slaps on the hand. *** That was a
shock—normally priests are taught to exercise restraint and only use that kind of slap when someone tries to
reach into the collection basket.
Wednesday, Jan 1
Happy New Year!
Tuesday, Dec 31
Queen Elizabeth has awarded Olivia Newton-John a “damehood” for “services to charity, cancer
research, and entertainment.” *** A ceremony to bestow the honor will be held as soon as Prince Charles is
ready to show off a few dance moves while singing, “I got chills…they’re multiplyin’…”
Monday, Dec 30
In a new tourism campaign, the government of the Netherlands points out that Holland is actually just
two of the country’s 12 provinces, so referring to the entire country as “Holland” is not accurate. ***
They said it’s like referring to the 50 American states as “United.”
Friday, Dec 27
To improve worker productivity, a British firm has designed a toilet with a 13-degree slope that makes
it painful to sit on for more than five minutes and discourages employees from spending too much
time in the bathroom. *** Previously, supervisors just shut off the vent fan.
Thursday, Dec 26
After making disparaging and suggestive on-air remarks about his co-workers, hockey analyst Jeremy
Roenick was suspended by NBC for “inappropriate comments.” *** Network officials later explained that
“inappropriate comments” would include anything negative about co-workers…or anything positive about the
Detroit Red Wings.
Wednesday, Dec 25
Tuesday, Dec 24
Detroit police are now searching for the driver of a red Camaro who blocked traffic on I-94 while
showing off and doing “donuts” in the middle of the freeway. *** Dozens of police were reportedly
disappointed after responding to the dispatcher’s announcement of “Donuts on I-94.”
Monday, Dec 23
This past weekend Michigan road crews worked to clean up a mysterious green substance that had
been oozing out of the ground and onto I-696 in Madison Heights. *** After a thorough analysis, the EPA
issued this report:
I do not like that yucky green.
I do not like what I have seen.
I do not like it on the road.
I do not like it in the cold.
I do not like it in this town.
I do not like it all around.
I do not like green ooze and slime.
I do not like it any time.
Friday, Dec 20
To make military dogs more effective at their tasks, the Army is planning to equip them with upgraded
cameras. *** They’ll also be given their own Facebook page and taught how to take selfies.
Thursday, Dec 19
After airing a commercial that showed two women exchanging wedding vows and kissing, the
Hallmark Channel was criticized by the group One Million Moms, which complained that the ad was
inconsistent with the network’s family friendly programming. *** And some viewers are concerned that
this sort of thing could lead to the ultimate betrayal: Hallmark Christmas Movies with unhappy endings.
Wednesday, Dec 18
Researchers in Italy have found that eating hot chili peppers four times a week can dramatically
reduce a person’s chances of having a heart attack or a stroke. *** Or getting a second date.
Tuesday, Dec 17
Students staying at the Hyatt Regency in Minneapolis found hidden cameras in their hotel rooms. ***
They reportedly became suspicious when a maid said she needed to deliver fresh towels, clean the room and
adjust the focus.
Monday, Dec 16
A woman in Australia found a 10-foot python wrapped around the branches of her Christmas tree. ***
Actually, she didn’t realize it was a snake until she plugged its tail into a socket.
|High Impact Humor
|HIGH IMPACT HUMOR can add a
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Lines." He has supplied humorous speeches for
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as comedy sketches and song parodies for
theaters in Branson, Missouri.
|Bill has been the Master of Ceremonies and
performed his stand-up comedy at numerous comedy
clubs, fundraisers and special events. His signature
humor is about the trials and tribulations of aging. Bill
can also mix his humor with a factual, anecdote-filled
presentation on "The Serious Business of Comedy."
(Click "Performing" to see video clips.)