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Tuesday, Jan 5 After confirming rumors that actress Tanya Roberts—a “Bond Girl” in one of the 007 films—had died, the next day publicist Mike Pingel announced that she was still alive. *** In related news, MGM Studios wishes to announce that the role of “Bond Girl” has just been filled for the upcoming remake of “You Only Live Twice.” Monday, Jan 4 Happy New Year! In Britain, a transplant surgeon used an argon beam instrument to brand his initials on a liver before implanting it in a patient. *** Hospital administrators were appalled, and concerned about similar actions in the future, especially when they learned that the surgeon had upgraded the instrument’s software with spellcheck. Thursday, Dec 17 I just came across an online review of a rare car manufactured by Earl Muntz’s short-lived car company in the early 50’s. *** But I’ll admit that I was worried when I first saw the title of the article, “1953 Muntz” -- I thought it was a new projection of how much longer the pandemic would last. Wednesday, Dec 16 While filming his latest “Mission Impossible” action movie in London, Tom Cruise berated and threatened to fire cast members who had violated Covid-19 precautions. *** Later, the star of “Mission Impossible 7” admitted that he was upset and jealous because Covid had already released its 19th sequel. Tuesday, Dec 15 A Russian investigative news organization is claiming that recent photos and videos showing Vladimir Putin at work weren’t taken in Moscow, but in a duplicate office he built at his vacation spot on the shore of the Black Sea. *** They based their conclusion on the sound of crashing waves in the background, the bottle of sunscreen on the shelf, and the little mai tai umbrella in his coffee mug. Monday, Dec 14 Russia’s “Doomsday Plane,” the one that Putin and other top officials would use as a command center in a nuclear war, was reportedly broken into and several pieces of hi-tech electronic equipment were stolen. *** Also, the plane’s windows were smashed, the fuselage was covered with graffiti, the wheels were missing and the plane was sitting on cinderblocks. Thursday, Dec 10 Boston police arrested a man who had broken into Tom Brady’s unoccupied mansion and fell asleep on a couch in the basement, apparently in Brady’s hi-tech video screening room. *** Officers radioed in that the intruder had been apprehended and they’d all be arriving at the station in just a few minutes…unless the televised football game goes into overtime. (Officers are now looking for a volunteer to break in on Super Bowl Sunday…preferably before kick-off.) Wednesday, Dec 9 Health officials in the White House are concerned about Covid transmission in rooms that are so crowded that people cannot practice social distancing. *** Especially in the Oval Office—where people are apparently even bumping into each other because they’re always saying, “I beg your pardon.” Tuesday, Dec 8 After being attacked by a shark in Australia’s D’Estrees Bay and bleeding from multiple lacerations on his back and legs, a 29 year old man fended off the shark, swam to shore, and then walked 300 yards to get medical attention. *** Dude, that Australian Triathlon is tough! Monday, Dec 7 After George Clooney revealed that he’s been trimming his own hair for 22 years using the Flowbee device, the manufacturer was immediately flooded with thousands of orders. *** All the buyers just had one question: “Can I use my new Flowbee right away, or do I need to wait for all the cuts on the back of my neck to heal?” Friday, Dec 4 President-elect Biden reportedly twisted an ankle last weekend. *** Gee, most politicians just twist arms. Thursday, Dec 3 In North Bend, Washington, a state patrolman pulled over car because its headlights were too dim and found that the driver had replaced his damaged headlights with flashlights duct-taped to the front of his car. *** (Select your preferred punchline, or write your own): 1. “Oh look, dear, he’s bringing us a spare headlight.” 2. “Or, maybe it’s his...Good evening, officer. Do you need some duct tape?” 3. When asked why he taped flashlights to his bumper, the driver said it was because the candles kept blowing out. 4. According to his driver’s license, the driver’s name was “Ray O. Vac” 5. So, apparently the Dollar Store has begun selling automotive parts. 6. One good thing about those Dollar Store headlights: “One size fits all.” 7. Patrolman speaking into mic: “Uh, Dispatch, a correction on my last report about “dim headlights”; cross out “headlights” and write “driver.” 8. Despite the officer’s concerns, the driver’s wife said she didn’t mind crawling out onto hood to switch from high beam low beam (especially since her husband was kind enough to replace the hood ornament with a grab bar). 9. She also said she was glad to go out and make the turn signals blink, although she had to remember to then hang on tight. 10. And that’s what happens when retirees have seen all the Matlock re-runs and start watching MacGyver. Wednesday, Dec 2 In shopping online for the best deals on Cyber Monday, it was surprising to see that large, flat screen TVs offered by the leading electronics stores were also available through Walmart. *** Frankly, I liked Walmart’s deal better—not only was it $2 cheaper, but it also included a large bag of Cheetos, a six-pack of cold beer and a free pair of flip flops. Tuesday, Dec 1 In England, a colony of beavers recently built the first dam in Exmoor in 400 years. *** Apparently construction didn’t take long once the beavers got started, but it took them four centuries to get the building permit. Monday, Nov 30 Former Honduran president Manuel Zelaya was detained at a Honduras airport after he was found to be carrying a bag with $18,000 in cash. *** Later, during interrogation, he confessed that he needs the money to support his addiction, and the price of those airport Cinnabon rolls just keeps going up. Wednesday, Nov 25 As Covid concerns continue through the holiday season, people are becoming more creative in finding ways to reduce the spread of the virus. *** For example, Butterball turkeys now come with a 3-foot length of string attached to each end of the wishbone. Tuesday, Nov 24 Organized crime is apparently alive and well in Philadelphia, where federal racketeering, loansharking and illegal gambling charges were recently filed against 15 members of La Costa Nostra, including 60 year old Joseph “Joey Electric” Servidio and 73 year old Anthony “Tony Meatballs” Gifoli. *** However, experts say mob life is losing much of its appeal for young criminals who see increasing evidence that all the good nicknames have already been taken. Monday, Nov 23 Apparently moose like to lick road salt off cars, and with winter approaching Canadian authorities are concerned about the potential consequences. *** For example, if you have to drag around a moose that got its tongue frozen to your rear bumper, your gas mileage is gonna be terrible. Friday, Nov 20 In China, seniors are protesting the government’s plans to maintain a large workforce and delay pension expenses by raising the retirement age, which is currently set at 60 years old. *** In a hard-fought compromise, officials have agreed that--in lieu of formal retirement--workers over age 60 will be permitted to start the day whenever they feel like it, take long afternoon naps, scratch wherever it itches, and complain about nearly everything. Thursday, Nov 19 Carl Lentz, the pastor of Hillsong mega-church, was fired by the church’s founder, Brian Houston, because of "moral failures." Pastor Lentz had been a spiritual adviser to many celebrities, including pop star Justin Bieber *** Or, as Pastor Houston calls him, “Exhibit A.” Wednesday, Nov 18 Rudy Giuliani is reportedly demanding $20,000 per day to continue handling President Trump’s legal work and representing the president in court. *** Democrats are scrambling to come up with the money. Tuesday, Nov 17 In Haines City, Florida, James Blight, 26, was arrested for stealing a bulldozer, knocking down a fence, and destroying political campaign signs on residential lawns. *** Thousands of Florida residents immediately offered to post bail for Mr. Blight and asked if he could provide the same service for their neighbor’s plastic pink flamingos. Monday, Nov 16 At the USA Mullet Championships, a third grader from Celeste, Texas, took first place in the kids category, where the short-in-front and long-in-back styles included the “curly mullet,” the “freedom flapper” and the “Tennessee top hat.” *** However, the first-time entrants in the adult category all had the same style: ”I-trimmed-the-front-by-myself-but-didn’t-trust-my-wife- with-sharp-scissors.” Friday, Nov 13 McDonald’s has announced plans to provide quicker drive-thru service. *** Corporate officials didn't realize the lines were moving too slowly until local managers started renting porta-johns. Thursday, Nov 12 While some people object to disclosing their phone number for contact tracing, old timers point out that decades ago everyone’s phone number was in the white pages. *** And telemarketers could be identified by the black ring around the tip of their index finger. Tuesday, Nov 10 The U.S. Postal Service recently announced a new zip code for Atlanta. *** Oh, it’s moving? |
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operated by Bill Mihalic, a professional comedy writer with a background in the corporate offices of the Detroit auto industry. Bill's material has frequently been used by Jay Leno on the Tonight Show, Kevin Ferguson's "Nightshift" TV show, Tom Ryan on WOMC and the New York Times "Laugh Lines." He has supplied humorous speeches for featured speakers at Detroit area events as well as comedy sketches and song parodies for theaters in Branson, Missouri. |
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| Bill has been the Master of Ceremonies and performed his stand-up comedy at numerous comedy clubs, fundraisers and special events. His signature humor is about the trials and tribulations of aging. Bill can also mix his humor with a factual, anecdote-filled presentation on "The Serious Business of Comedy." (Click "Performing" to see video clips.) |